Friday, October 28, 2005
I don't know what the deal is.
Today, I sit here wondering about my future. I don't really know why, but I'm feeling kind of stressed about it. Way back when I first started discerning my call to ministry, I felt kind of intimidated about all the things I'd have to learn, all the things I'd have to endure, and all the things I'd have to discover about myself in order to get to ministry. But, as time has progressed and I've gotten the opportunity to utilize some of my gifts and think about what the future holds, I've become less intimidated. However, after reading another blog, I have begun to feel intimidated again. I don't know why, and that is frustrating to me. Mark's Blog (the one I've been reading) says a lot of great things for him. The faculty has said great things about him and everything. But I guess I'm just afraid that in the future, if I ever get to seminary, they might not say great things about me. What if I'm just mediocre? What if I've been bad at this whole discernment process thus far? What if I'm going in a direction that God does NOT want me to go? That is what I fear the most, I suppose: Going in a direction God would rather I not go. It just seems that lately, I have not been a "good enough" person to be pursuing this vocation. I know that pastors are not perfect, but they're supposed to be examples of godly living to the community with patience, humility, gentleness, and a plethora of other spiritual gifts. For the most part, I'm pretty patient and all that good stuff, but I still struggle with one relationship in my life. That relationship makes me feel like an awful person because I just have come to the end of my rope. I don't know what to do about my future. I only know that I must trust God to lead me where He wants me to go, believing in His power and ability to sustain me through wherever this road I am on takes me. Please forgive my venting. I feel better now. Peace.