Remembering the Beginning of the End

On this date in 2006 was what I call, "The Beginning of the End."

I remember because October 13, 2006 was a Friday and a man died at Restaurant.

Anyway, so October 14th was a Saturday. I was at Sis's house and was sleeping in "my" room when I woke to hear sirens going down the street a few blocks away. I absent-mindedly thought, "I hope that is no one I know." Just then Sis burst into my room saying, "Get up! We have to go to the hospital!" I thought, "OH CRAP! Did BiL electrocute himself!?" (He's an electrician).

Anyway, Sis said that Mom's friend called from the Emergency Department to tell us that she had taken Mom there. Mom had blood in her urine (a symptom called "hematuria). Mom's Friend drove her to the hospital where they performed some tests and then referred her to a urologist.

Fast forward to the urology appointment a few weeks later. Mom was diagnosed with bladder cancer. It ended up being Grade (not stage) 4. Grade speaks to how fast and aggressive a cancer is while Stage speaks to how advanced it is. So, she had a weird Grade 4, probably stage 2 or 3 bladder cancer. The doctor took a scope and burned the tumors off at first. That's how he staged and graded it. The next course he tried was intravesical chemotherapy, which is different from systemic chemotherapy. Systemic is what you're probably thinking of where a person gets an IV for a while and then usually they feel sick and often lose their hair. Intravesical chemo is such that the doctor inserts a syringe into the person's bladder, puts the chemo in the bladder, and then it sloshes around for at least 20 minutes before it is eliminated. After the four treatments were done, a follow up appointment was scheduled.

Just after her chemo ended, I moved to Seminary. I had taken care of her in the best way that I could while I could, and felt called to a new venture. The chemo treatments hadn't been TOO hard on her...They certainly seemed easier than when she'd had breast cancer and had endured systemic chemotherapy. I had driven her to all her bladder appointments and had handed the baton to my siblings.

I probably hadn't been at Seminary for more than a week or so when YS called and said that Mom had more hematuria. I suggested she call the urologist to see what he thought. So, they went back, he burned off more tumors with the scope thing, and it was decided that "Big Surgery" was the only way to get rid of the cancer. So, we convinced Mom to have the surgery, and so it was scheduled.

She had her surgery on March 21st. The procedure is called a radical cystectomy, in which the surgeon did a complete hysterectomy and bladder removal. At that time, the doctor guided her ureter to a stoma on the outside of her body. That's how people without bladders eliminate waste...The ureter goes to the stoma which then empties into a bag that is attached to a person's side. The adhesive gets changed about once a week or so, and a person empties the bag as often as it starts to fill.

But the thing is...Mom had dementia even then. And when she woke up, she was never the same. Looking back, and having talked with some professionals, it seems like she may have had a stroke while under anesthesia. Post-Surgery Mom was drastically changed from Pre-Surgery Mom.

So, that's a long post to basically share a short sentiment-Dates are important for those who grieve. It's been a year and a half since Mom died, and yet I still grieve. I think about her every day, and especially on days like today that hold significance for me and for our family. This date marks "The Beginning of the End" for Mom's earthly pilgrimage. It marks the "jumping in point" for really having to face dementia head on. I'm still learning from this, but also still grieving. I hope that in another five years, I'll have more time and more peace with it all. Peace to you wherever you are in your own grief journeys.

Counting Down the Days

To what, you may ask? I am counting down the days until I go back to Seminary. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE my family, but like I've said before, I need adult interaction every single day. Sis and BiL and I do chat, but they're usually tired by the time they get home from their work, and then they want to play with their kids, (obviously! Who wouldn't want to play with them. They're adorable!) watch a little t.v. and go to bed by about 9:30. Me, on the other hand; well... I'm re-energized when they get home. Tonight, I walked my bike uptown to put air in the tires so I could go on a bike ride. Unfortunately, after I aired up the tires, I realized I couldn't pedal because the chain had rusted a bit and fallen off. I managed to get it back on so that it wouldn't click, click, click as I pedaled, and it goes along just fine. I just can't change gears. Oh well. It's not in the toughest gear and it's not in the wimpiest gear, so I'm okay with that. Sis didn't want to take the kids for a walk today, so I had to get out, and bike riding is what I did.

BiL and I also replaced the gauge/instrument cluster in my car, Neno. The speedometer has been messing up for a few months now. I would be driving along and the speedometer needle would start dancing all over the place. It didn't do it too terribly often; just enough to annoy me. It didn't even really give me much trouble on my trip last weekend. But, one of the last times it started not working, the tripometer/odometer didn't work either. Thankfully, I gave the underside of the wheel a good whack and it all corrected itself. But, I wanted to get it fixed, all the same, so Sis, BiL, and I ordered the part off of EBay, and we put it in tonight. I had no idea the top part of the dash just snaps off. It's really cool. It was only a 20 minute job, but if I'd taken it to a car repair shop, it probably would have cost me a couple hundred dollars. We got the gauge cluster (used) for less than 50 bucks, and I didn't have to pay for labor. Good work! Yeehaw. I can go back to the seminary with a fully functioning car (knock on wood).

As I prepare to go back, I also am thinking about things I have yet to do. I am leading worship/preaching on Sunday. I finished my sermon yesterday, I think, but I'm going to go over it to make sure it isn't ridiculously boring. I hate being boring when I preach. This sermon is a tad bit more academic than I'm used to preaching, but I don't think it'll be over the congregations heads at all. I'm kind of excited to preach it. Hopefully they hear a word of grace in the message.

I also plan on calling my good friend who was the cook at Restaurant while I was there. She's still there, despite the fact that she is 78 years old. She was disappointed back in the Spring when she couldn't come see my presentation from Israel/Palestine. So, I told her that if I ever got a laptop, I would bring it by and show her. So, now that I have a laptop, I can. I wanted to show her a couple of weeks ago, but I got sick, and then she had family come in from California, and then she went with them. I think she's back now, but that is why I need to call. I don't just want to pop in on her, although I'm confident she wouldn't mind. I love that woman, and she loves me. It's a good feeling.

I also need to go to the Supermax and visit Ma one more time before I head back to school. The home where she stays just sent Sis, who is the Power of Attorney, her Care Plan Guide. I read through it, and found most of the information pretty obvious to anyone who has seen her lately. However, there were some disheartening things in there regarding her mental status and another physical thing that we were told could be a potentiality back in December. It's still "only" a potentiality, but the fact it looms over her and us is just a bit saddening. I guess you never know when the end will come, and so I don't want to have regrets. I have had experiences where I have "lucked out" and gotten to see someone I loved right before they died unexpectedly, but I have also had experiences where I have not seen a person and so have lived with regrets. Since I don't know when the end will be for Ma, I want to make sure to visit her reasonably frequently so that I don't have those regrets.

And lastly, Sis and BiL are having a "send-off" dinner for me on Tuesday night. YS and YSB are coming, as well as BiL's sister and her boyfriend. My little ol' heart was warmed the other day when BiL's sister told me that she refers to me as her sister in law, because we're just like family, anyway. It's nice knowing they don't just consider me to be a person they have to put up with to see Sis, BiL, Howard, and Sunscreen. They like me, they really like me! Anyway, for dinner, BiL is going to make my absolute favorite meal ever, which is roast done medium rare, homemade mashed taters, and dark brown gravy. He's going to put the roast on the rotisserie in the grill, which is AWESOME. He offered to make me one of his famous prime ribs, but I would much rather have the roast. And, better yet, he's sending me along with the leftovers. Weehaw!

Anyway, so that's what I'm doing these next few days. I'm going back to Seminary on Wednesday. That is the day the new babysitter starts. The ex-babysitter is back from vacation in Florida, and they came to visit the boys. She said she misses them, which is a natural thing. But, she made her decision about not watching them anymore. Hopefully, Howard and Sunscreen grow to love the new babysitter like they did the old one. I want them to be happy. I love my boys so darn much.

Oh, and a quick aside. Tonight, I got Howard to say, "How YOU doin'?" It's so cute. It comes out more like, "How doin'?" but it's so cute. Sunscreen still isn't walking. He's about 14 1/2 months old, and Howard didn't start walking til he was 15months old. They're both smart; just slow to get going. Anyway, that is enough blubbering for me. Have a wonderful evening, and stay safe. 4 more days til I go back and see J, my room, and all that being back at school entails! I miss everyone! Peace out.

A Reflection

This past Saturday, as I was chatting with some seminary friends at another seminary friend's wedding reception, we got to chatting about the peculiarity of life. Basically, we were just remarking about how we got to meet/see all kinds of new people we would otherwise not have met because they live 1000 miles away from us, but because we went to this wedding, we "met" them. We also talked a little about how people's lives are so deep and rich and there is no way we could ever know all about them. For instance, one of the guests just got engaged last week, but didn't want to say anything for fear it would steal away from celebrating Bride and Groom's day.

As I reflected on that, I got to thinking about how EVERYONE has things that even good friends don't know about. There are milestones, happy and sad, that are faced all the time. There are personal struggles that are either painful or embarassing or whatever that they don't want to share. But there are also joys and happiness that sometimes people don't share for fear of minimalizing a friend's emotions.

It dovetails nicely with the saying, "Be kind to everyone you meet because they are all facing some sort of battle."

Every day is a new day. But, every new day comes after an old day that has affected how we live. Each day is not lived out in a vacuum, unless, of course, you are Drew Barrymore in "50 First Dates." Days have symbolic meaning in our culture. We measure the passage of time in days. We celebrate days: Christmas Day, New Year's Day, birthdays, Independence Day, etc. And we also reminisce about days that bring forth memories; some painful, some joyful, and some a mixture of many things.

On this day in 2002, I went to the movies and watched "Austin Powers: Goldmember" with my two step-nieces. When I returned from an early showing, Ma told me that her biopsy had come back with news of breast cancer. From that day forward, she dealt with surgery, chemo, radiation, the loss of all her hair, illness, pain, and a host of other effects of cancer.

And yet, as I look back on my own experience with this particular day in history, I know that others have far more painful memories associated with it. Conversely, I know that this is the birthday for many, many people, as well as the wedding anniversary, or any other celebration that we have under the sun.

We can live out each day, even days that bring us painful memories without shame because pain is just as valid an emotion as any other one. It's too bad that our culture tells us to shut up and get over it already. To all who remember "anniversaries," good or bad, I say, "Embrace your feelings. They are valid, and you are valid."

Something in My Inbox Today

So, I thought it kind of odd that after my dream last night, that this should come to my email inbox:

Mother

The young mother set her foot on the path of life.
"Is this the long way?" she asked.

And the guide said, "Yes, and the way is hard.
And you will be old before you reach the end of it.
But the end will be better than the beginning."

But the young mother was happy, and she would not believe that anything could be better than these years.

So she played with her children, she fed them and bathed them, and taught them how to tie their shoes and ride a bike and reminded them to feed the dog and do their homework and brush their teeth.

The sun shone on them and the young Mother cried,
"Nothing will ever be lovelier than this."

Then the nights came, and the storms,
and the path was sometimes dark,
and the children shook with fear and cold,
and the mother drew them close and covered them with her arms,
and the children said, "Mother, we are not afraid,
for you are near, and no harm can come."

And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and the children climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary. But at all times she said to the children, “A little patience and we are there."

So the children climbed,
and as they climbed they learned to weather the storms.
And with this, she gave them strength to face the world.
Year after year, she showed them compassion, understanding,
hope,
but most of all... unconditional love.
And when they reached the top they said,
"Mother, we would not have done it without you."

The days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years,
and the mother grew old and she became little and bent.
But her children were tall and strong, and walked with courage.
And the mother, when she lay down at night,
looked up at the stars and said, "This is a better day
than the last, for my children have learned so much and are now
passing these traits on to their children."

And when the way became rough for her, they lifted her,
and gave her their strength, just as she had given them hers.
One day they came to a hill, and beyond the hill,
they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide.

And mother said: "I have reached the end of my journey.
And now I know the end is better than the beginning,
for my children can walk with dignity and pride,
with their heads held high, and so can their children after them."

And the children said, "You will always walk with us, Mother, even when you have gone through the gates."

And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the
gates closed after her. And they said: "We cannot see her, but she is with us still. A Mother like ours is more than a memory.
She is a living presence."

Your Mother is always with you.

She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street,
She's the smell of certain foods you remember,
flowers you pick and perfume that she wore,
She's the cool hand on your brow when you're not feeling well,
She's your breath in the air on a cold winter's day.
She is the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep,
the colors of a rainbow,
She is Christmas morning.

Your Mother lives inside your laughter.
And she's crystallized in every tear drop.
A mother shows every emotion...
happiness, sadness, fear, jealousy, love, hate, anger,
helplessness, excitement, joy, sorrow...
and all the while, hoping and praying
you will only know the good feelings in life.

She's the place you came from, your first home,
and she's the map you follow with every step you take.
She's your first love,
your first friend,
even your first enemy,
but nothing on earth can separate you.
Not time, not space... not even death!
May we never take our mothers for granted.
~Author Unknown~

I'm not 100% sure how I feel about this little poem, but my initial reaction involved some teary eyes. Perhaps for the fact that I FEEL separated from my Mom, and yet I could go see her if I wanted. For now, anyway. I guess I'm just a little confused right now. Sorry to be a downer. Peace.

Christmas

Here I sit, with 34 minutes and change left to Christmas day. I have had a pretty good holiday, although it's been different. My whole family never got all the way together, but I did see all of them at one point or another. Sis, BiL, Howard, Sunscreen and I went and visited Ma in the home on Christmas Eve and celebrated with her then. Younger Older Brother and his wife and son went to see Ma tonight. When they got there, Oldest Brother was there, sans his wife. Shortly after YOB arrived, I did, as well. We spent several hours with her, so that was something.

I also went tonight to see Grandma and celebrate a little with her. We're not advised to take either Grandma or Ma out of the home. Ma, because she would put up a fight in going back, and Grandma because it is too physically taxing on her body.

Sis didn't have a real tree this year. She had this really sparse, "Charlie Brown" tree that she put silver and gold decorations on. No lights. The first real, in the living room tree I saw was tonight at YS's house. It was pretty, but it made me realize I missed having a big, real Christmas tree all decked out with ornaments that we've had FOREVER, and with big colored lights on it. But, circumstances change, and it's important to change with them.

On Christmas Eve, I got to church and sat down at a table in the fellowship hall because I'm still not feeling 100% from being sick. I was talking with some people and found out a really cool guy from church died on Sunday. I was bummed. They were snowbirds, and so he died in Florida, but they're coming back this week for the funeral. I can't believe he's gone. He wasn't even that old, and he seemed to be in great health. He and his wife used to come in and eat at Restaurant and tease me in a good natured way. I'm going to miss the guy. I'm sure they would appreciate prayers. You may not know their names, but God does.

While I was sitting there, Pastor came up to me and said, "I need to talk to you for a minute." So, I followed him to his office. I figured he was going to ask me to help lead worship. I'd done so in the past, and I had been in to have a chat with him on Tuesday and he mentioned it. So, he said, "Here's what your parts are, and this is what you do." So, I was like, "Cool, I can handle that." And then he went over behind his desk and brought out a gift bag and said, "The congregation got you a gift." I said, "Really? That was nice. They didn't have to do that." And he said, "But they wanted to." And he set the bag on the table and said, "Take a peek." So, I read the card that was attached to the handle and looked inside and said, "Are you serious?" And I pulled out a Canon Sure Shot digital camera. The card had said, "Trish, Enjoy your trip to the Holy Land. Take lots of pictures! We would be happy to see them. Merry Christmas." Awesome! I had mentioned in passing a good long while ago that I was pumped because YS's boyfriend was going to loan me his digital camera, but Pastor said that they thought I should have my own. Wow. I am so blessed to be in this family of faith. So many of them stopped and chatted with me after the service and asked about life and about everything. They really care about me, and I really care about them. I think and hope this is the way it's supposed to be; what with all this love and stuff. They're over the top with showing me love sometimes, but I'm so grateful.

So, besides having no beef balls, no egg nog, no pickled herring, and no Christmas tree, it was still a pretty good holiday. Somewhat bittersweet with what is going on with Mom and all, but still more good than not. I hope you all had a marvelous, fantastic day, and that you are trusting in the promises of what the future holds. Peace out, y'all.

Oh, p.s. 8 more days or so til we leave for ISRAEL!

Catharsis, or TMI?

Ok, so there is some family drama going on here. My oldest brother's wife keeps saying that she's leaving. She "can't handle" taking care of my mother. She says, "I'm doing this all alone. I need to move" blah blah blah. "Those girls asked me to take care of their mom, and they don't help me at all." Yak yak yak..

Well, let me say one damn thing. Where has she been for the past 3 1/2 years when it was fricking ME doing it all alone? When I saw my other brother and his wife FAR MORE than I saw my oldest brother and his wife. Oldest brother lives 6 blocks away and other brother lives 2 1/2 hours away. Mmmhmm. I guess the part that really irks my bubbles is that she's playing this huge martyr role like "boohoo, no one helps me." Guess what? I already played that game and I didn't moan and groan about it! And I'm STILL doing what I can to help, but I think I've earned a bit of a break. Sorry for valuing my mental health.

And I guess I'm also annoyed and angered that she is just so stupid to us about this. She called me the other day to ask me if I could come over and watch my mom. She called about 15 minutes before she wanted to leave. I couldn't get out of Sis' house, because I was helping her with Howard. (This was when she wasn't able to lift, yet). And I said, "Sorry, I can't come right now. If you want, I can make it in a few hours." And she said, "No." and then hung up on me. I called back to talk to my brother and she answered and was nasty to me. I've never treated her with anything but support and kindness, and I am just not appreciative at all that she's being so mean about it all. It's not our fault that her marriage is breaking up. We NEVER asked her to take care of our mother.

She's just so bitter and martyr-ish and it just drives me nuts. Ma's mental decline is tough for all of us, and she has NOT been doing all this stuff by herself. She's bitter, and I wasn't bitter, but now it's starting to creep in. So, hopefully, this isn't too much information, but I am just so angry.

I don't know if I should calm down some and calmly go talk to her, or if I should just let it slide since "she's leaving" in about two weeks. She's not a very rational person. Other brother's wife says she isn't "evolved" enough to have an adult conversation. Who knows? All I know is that the drama she brings is not appreciated or needed.

!@#$

I really flipping need to stop taking things for fricking granted.

Still Waiting...

to start puking, that is. My side still hurts, in an off and on manner. Thought I was going to start tossing my cookies last night, but I didn't. It's weird though, my symptoms aren't exactly like classic appendicitis symptoms, so I don't want to go to the E.R. and have them tell me it's gas or something. But it's been one full week of off again, on again side pain. I was at the hospital where I do my CPE on Saturday night because I volunteered to be the person who did 3 on call Saturdays instead of 2, (or 2 1/2) and I was in the trauma bay with someone when it started hurting so bad I had to step out and sit down for a while. The patient was unconscious, and the family wasn't there yet, and the doctors were doing a procedure on the person, but I still hated to leave her. But, the pain became tolerable, and I was able to get back into action. So, I'm unsure about what to do. I'm sure you all are sick of hearing about my inaction on this matter, but hey... It's my blog and I'll blather if I want to. Ok.

In other news, Saturday was a busy day: 2 MI alerts, (heart patients) two traumas, and one SICU patient/family. They were all incredibly different from each other. I was glad that I was hanging out at the hospital instead of the CPE house because I only got paged once through the pager. Since I was in the hospital, I heard the codes overhead and was able to respond. The people were grateful (or so they said). This coming Friday is my last day on the actual floor, although I'm covering the on call night for one of my CPE mates next Wednesday because her mom is here from South America, and is flying back home that day. I can't believe it's coming to an end. Wow.

And that is that. Mom has been out of the hospital and out of the nursing home for a while now. My oldest brother and his wife have decided to take care of her at home in order to stave off nursing home care for as long as possible. Ma gets really depressed when she's kept from home for an extended period of time, although sometimes when she is home, she doesn't realize it... Who knows. I'm tired. See ya.

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head...

Ok, I'm at the CPE house tonight because I'm on call. Nothing has happened at the two hospitals yet. However, YS called me this afternoon. Ma had to be taken to the Emergency Room. She was feeling weak and tired, had some low blood pressure, hematuria, and black, tarry stools (Just what you wanted to know). I include her list of symptoms because they sounded to me like a bleed somewhere...

Anyway, I called Oldest Brother's Wife because she works at the home where Ma has been staying. OBW took Ma to the hospital. So, I talked to her and she said Ma has pancreatitis and a bleed somewhere. So, they're admitting her to investigate what is going on. I would sincerely appreciate your prayers for peace, comfort, and strength for her and my family as we have yet another roadblock to Ma's health.

Oh yeah, one last thing... Supa isn't a heartless jerk. He totally offered to cover for me so I could go home, but I decided to stay here because from what I've gathered, nothing is really acute right now, and I planned on going home tomorrow after work anyway. Plus, I called Pastor and he told me he'd go right down to be with the fam. I really appreciate that, and it helps me further realize that the ministry of presence is a totally awesome thing.

This SUCKS!!

My mother is going to live in a nursing home tomorrow. God forgive the string of expletives going through my head at this moment.

Pray for us.

What's this black box on my desk?

Oh yeah, it's a computer... It's been so long since I've seen my computer, I almost forgot what it was. Not really. I'm just being obnoxious.

Surgery on Wednesday went pretty well. It took almost exactly four hours. The doctor removed Ma's bladder and all the things that are involved when a person has a hysterectomy. He also took some lymph nodes from the surrounding area in order to see if the cancer got out into the rest of her system. Back in 2002 when she had breast cancer, a few of the lymph nodes had cancer in them, thus necessitating the need for systemic chemotherapy. Pastor was there pretty much the entire time with us, so that was a comfort. When the volunteer at the desk in the surgical waiting room area came over and told us the doctor was going to be up soon to speak with us, Pastor accompanied us to the conference room where the doctor likes to speak with the family.

When the doctor got to the conference room, Pastor, Oldest Brother (Yeah, he came), Other Brother, Sis, BiL, YS, and I were kind of crammed in there. The room was not very big. Pastor and the doctor stood at the door while the rest of us were in the room. I was standing in the far corner while the doctor told us what happened. After he was done with his schpiel, I asked a question. Everyone turned and looked at me like, "Where did she come up with that question?" But, the doctor answered me. Then, I launched into another question, which also met with a detailed response. I laugh now, because every time I asked a question, all my sibs, Pastor, and the doctor would turn to look at me. But basically, a lot was left up in the air because the answers depend on the pathology reports. I'm glad I had done a bunch of research about bladder cancer because I was able to ask the questions that my siblings weren't able to, but were glad I did.

Anyway, Ma had to stay in recovery for a while longer than expected because her blood pressure dropped due to the anesthesia. Nothing too serious; they just wanted to keep an eye on her. She's not been a very good patient because she's confused and really ready to leave. She ripped out her NG (Naso Gastric) tube, her epidural (for the pain) and an IV. I'm hoping that it's just the anesthesia still messing her up. She's had some cognitive decline in the past few years, but this is really a marked change.

After the surgery on Wednesday, I went home and went to bed so I could get up early and drive to CPE town on Thursday morning and do my thing. I was on call Thursday night as usual, and I was really busy. It was an exhausting and challenging night, that didn't really end until about 10:00 a.m. Friday morning. I cleaned up and went to my hospital (The hospital where I do my CPE has two campuses that are about 2 1/2 miles apart) where I relinquished the pager to one of the staff chaplains. The spiritual care manager (not supa) asked if I was going to leave early. I said no. Then the staff chaplain had a conversation with me and suggested I go. I went up to my floor for a quick minute and decided I really did need to leave because I was just exhausted. So, I went home again, in order to visit Ma and do some things the sibs and I planned to do this weekend.

So, this weekend was busy because we did a bunch of house cleaning/repair, visiting Ma, asking questions to the medical people, and processing what was happening to our mother. I came back to Seminary last night and had a tough time staying awake for the last hour or so of the drive. Next time I think I will stay home and then leave early in the morning. It was rough.

On a positive note, though, Howard remembers me. He has his top two front teeth and he's adorable. I did a trick for him where I put my head back and put a tissue on my face and blew it up in the air. He laughed hysterically. I did that for about 10 minutes and BiL and Sis taped it. He laughed hard every time I did it. Then, the next day, I folded a tissue into a diagonal and hung it on my glasses like it was a doctor's mask. He laughed at that, too. He's an awesome kid and I love him so darn much.

Ok, so that's what I did. Thank you all for the prayers, thoughts, and kind words. I appreciate you more than I probably make known. Later

I Got Friends.

Who are with me in the low places. I am so thankful for the friends (and complete strangers who are willing to pray for Mom/my family/me) I have who are there to support me and keep me grounded. And as I've been thinking about how "little" I'm able to do, I'm realizing that "Little is Much, when God's in it." God is God, and I am not.

"What is the measure of a life well lived?
If all I can offer seems too small to give
This is the song for the weaker the poorer and so called failures
Little is Much, when God's in it
And no one can fathom the plans He holds
Little is much when God's in it
He changes the world with the seeds we sow
Little is much little is much.

Who feels tired and under-qualified?
Who feels deserted and hung out to dry?
This is the song for the broken the beat up and so called losers
A little is much when God's in it
and no one can fathom the plans he holds.
Little is much when God's in it
He changes the world with the seeds we sow."
-These are some of the lyrics from "Little Is Much" by downhere.

Yet another cancer post.

Where is that Kubler-Ross lady when you need her? For those of you unfamiliar, (although, I'm fairly certain that you already know who she is) she is one of the people who classified "stages of grief."

Earlier in this unit of CPE, we had a "didactic" on grief. A didactic is a lecture, basically. In these didactics, we learn about things that can be, and very often are, helpful to us in our ministry with the people we encounter. Anyway, the giver of the grief didactic said that change=grief. Even good change causes us to grieve.

Basically, what I'm tap-dancing around is that I'm none-too-happy about what's going on with Ma. I know, I know, come to terms with it, already, but I'm finding it somewhat difficult. I know that God loves her, promises to be with her, even unto the end of the age, and cares for her more than the sparrows of the air. I know that God doesn't like to see her sick and frail and beset with cancer. And I know that God is with my family, her friends, and with me. But I'm just sad about it all. It's a change that will be happening and I'm grieving about it.

I'm sad for my poor mother. I just feel helpless, and that is not something I like to feel. Back in '95 when she had her heart attack, (it was a "minor" one) I could do stuff for her. I could suggest healthy foods. I could offer to go on walks with her. Then, when she got breast cancer in '02, I could look up what kind she had, prepare mentally for her treatment, tell her she looked cute as a baldie, learn about the chemotherapy she was receiving in order to field questions she couldn't answer, and get her 7-Up when she was nauseated. And even more recently when she was first diagnosed with bladder cancer, I learned all about what to expect, and what treatments were out there, and what the side effects would be. But with bladder removal, there's really nothing I can do. I can be with her the day of the surgery, and I plan on being home the weekend after she has it done, but there's nothing I can say or do that will change things or make her physical situation better. This sucks. I'm done writing.

Healing

This past week at church, we sang a hymn that I believe has made it into my "favorite hymns" repertoire. In the ELW, hymns are placed under headings such as the season of the Church year, healing, forgiveness, and so on. The hymn we sang that I really liked is under the heading of "healing." Looking at that song made me think about Ma's upcoming surgery, and so I looked in the front of the hymnal and found a service for healing. It begins on page 276 with an introduction that says,

"Our Lord Jesus healed many as a sign of the reign of God come near and sent the disciples to continue this work of healing--with prayer, the laying on of hands, and anointing. In the name of Christ, the great healer and reconciler of the world, we now entrust to God all who are in need of healing."

After the introduction is a place for intercessory prayers for all who suffer. Because of Jesus, we can come before God honestly and openly, knowing that God hears our prayers and our cries for help. This is most encouraging for me. Even if things don't turn out the way I'd like them, I can still trust in the unmistakable and unrelenting promises of Christ.

There are a few options for the next part of the Order of Service. The leader can discern which one would work best for a given situation. The point is that people can come forward and receive the laying on of hands where the minister then says one of two things. I'm partial to the second option. It reminds me of Confirmation in its wording and actions.

"Father in heaven, for Jesus' sake, send your Holy Spirit upon your servant, ______; drive away all sickness of body and spirit; make whole that which is broken; deliver her/him from the power of evil; and preserve her/him in true faith, to share in the power of Christ's resurrection and to serve you with all the saints now and evermore. Amen."

The service continues on, but I would instead like to leave you with the words to the hymn that started this post. ELW hymn 613-"Thy Holy Wings"

Thy holy wings, O Savior,
spread gently over me,
and let me rest securely
through good and ill in thee.
Oh, be my strength and portion,
my rock and hiding place,
and let my ev'ry moment
be lived within thy grace.

Oh, let me nestle near thee,
within thy downy breast
where I will find sweet comfort
and peace within thy nest.
Oh, close thy wings around me
and keep me safely there,
for I am but a newborn
and need thy tender care.

Oh, wash me in the waters
of Noah's cleansing flood.
Give me a willing spirit,
a heart both clean and good.
Oh, take into thy keeping
thy children great and small,
and while we sweetly slumber,
enfold us one and all.

Text: Carolina Sandell Berg
Music: Swedish Folk Tune; arr. hymnal version

Well...

After yesterday's two posts, I couldn't stop thinking about what was transpiring in regards to my brother. I was very disturbed and upset with him for being so seemingly selfish and self-absorbed. This has been just one of many times when he has made excuses to not make time with us individually or as a family. I find it to be very aggravating when he seems to not care about any of us. And each time something like this happens, I find myself being increasingly angry with him. This time was no exception.

Today, in class, we were learning about pre-Protestantism and how penance is a very important part of Catholic doctrine. Our teacher has a book that spoke of how during that time, (11th Century, I believe) priests read books and were practically trained to hear confessions and make sure people made complete confessions. And the book also talks about sins and the penance required to atone for that sin. One of the sins was being angry with your brother, and how if you refuse to be reconciled, you would be expected to do fasting and penance until that time when you were willing to reconcile with your brother. Even though the book was talking about people living in monastic communities, this really struck me.

After class ended, I came back to my room and decided to call my brother. He answered and I started the conversation without letting him know that I knew that he had said something along the lines that he was too busy to come to the hospital the day of Ma's surgery. We had a brief conversation, and I gave him the chance to talk without assuming things about him.

I'm learning more and more that my oldest brother is not like the rest of us who seem to really enjoy and thrive on family contact. He often responds to requests and invitations in a way that makes us think we are not important to him. But the interesting thing is that I think he usually changes his mind after he's been given some time to think. When I talked to him today, I think he had changed his mind about being with us at the hospital.

His change of heart and mind does not excuse his behavior, or my reactions to his behavior, but instead, this instance has been a way in which I have been able to have an insight about him and the way he acts. I just hope that as we continue on in life, we can get to understand each other better, see the others' points of view more clearly, and respect each other as more than fellow children of our mother, but as children of our Father. God grant me grace...

Warning: This post contains some ranting.

I talked to YS today. Mom isn't feeling well. I wonder if she's just getting really stressed about her impending surgery, or if the cancer within her is making her more ill, or if she's just coming down with something. The point is, she doesn't feel well, and with good reason. If I was facing surgery that would take organs that we take for granted out of my body, I would also not be feeling well.

So, here's the rant. My oldest brother (You remember, the one who didn't call, write, or stop by for my graduation open house) is an ass. That's right; I've taken to profanity when talking about one of my own family members. YS called OB(Oldest Brother) to tell him about Mom's surgery. He said, "I ALREADY HAVE TO TAKE A DAY OFF THAT WEEK to take Grandma to the oral surgeon!" From what I've gathered, he was being his usual, "ooh, look at me, I'm too busy" jerky self. Good to know that our mother can count on her first frickin' born to be with her on the day of her surgery. GGGGRRRRRRR. I'm so angry right now!!! PEOPLE FREAKING DIE DURING THIS TYPE OF SURGERY AND HE IS "TOO BUSY!!" The only word that is coming to my mind right now is: Damn It.

A bunch of random things, I guess.

Today at CPE during supervision, (a time shared individually with each student and the supervisor to talk about how things are going) Supa told me that I have an impishness about me; like a little mischieviousness just on the surface, ready to come out. It was said in a positive manner. I laughed.

My pal RuthRe posted about some news. Go over and check it out! WOOT!

I'm really digging this song, "Little Is Much" by downhere. If you have a MySpace page you can go to downhere's profile and listen. It's really got a good message.

With all the snow and stuff here in The Midwest, some fellow seminarians and I went and played in the snow the other day. It was incredibly fun, even though I got nailed in the side of the head with a snowball. Fortunately, my hood was up..

Along those lines-Apples to Apples is one of THE MOST FUN games EVER! ha. Thanks Erik.

My mom is supposed to have surgery on Wednesday, March 14th. She's having a radical cystectomy, which is a complete hysterectomy and bladder removal. They expect the surgery to last 4-6 hours if nothing goes wrong. I plan to miss my class that day and be with my family. She's supposed to be in the hospital for about a week, provided no complications arise. Cancer sucks.

Harsh Reality.

My younger sister called me today. She took Ma to worship this morning. I asked YS how it went. She told me it was fine, but that a lot of people died this week in my home area. One man had been fighting cancer for a good long while. We'd been praying for him. He was not an old man, but wasn't a young man, either. I still feel for his family and friends. We're social people, accustomed to physical interaction, or at least the possibility of physical interaction. When that ability is gone, we grieve. We grieve for the opportunities we've missed out on, as well as for the love that was shared. Cancer is a frightening and thieving thing. It tries to steal so much from so many people: Good health, joy, the ability to think, and a multitude of other things. I find it sad that so often people do lose so much to cancer. Near the end, so many people are in so much misery that they welcome death, and the nearness of God's promises in Christ Jesus. We miss our loved ones, but we can continue with hope, knowing and believing in the truth and love of our risen Savior.

The other three people who died this week were teenagers. Two were students of my old high school, and one went to a neighboring high school. It was a car accident that took their lives. From news accounts and what I've heard, four of them were in the car while the roads were still perilous from the recent snow the area had received. A drift on the pavement caused them to lose control, hit another vehicle, and end up in a ditch. I've not heard how the person(s) in the other vehicle faired. I just know that three of the four kids in the one car died and one is in critical condition. I write all of this with sorrow in my heart; for these kids and the lives they lost, for their parents and families who have to face the agony of losing flesh of their flesh, for the friends and peers who all too often do not realize the fragility of humanity-and when they do see it, they are not prepared to deal with it (as none of us really are), and for the community as a whole, who yet again are called to muster strength, compassion, and empathy for those who are hurting.

My community is not a stranger to losing teenagers because of car crashes. The whole wider area has lost approximately twenty teens in the past three years. Even numbers of my own friends have died because of car accidents; one even, was a very good friend. And it saddens me to think that all these kids are having to face the loss of not one, but two classmates, and another friend of theirs, all at the same time. That pain is just so difficult. My prayers and thoughts go out to this community that is so near to my heart. I ask that you might offer a few words as well. It is my prayer that God would give them the ability to be weak at a time when many expect them to be strong. There is no shame in grief. This is a hard thing to deal with; perhaps one of the hardest things-to lose a friend, classmate, or peer. Our God of all consolation is with them; cries with them; mourns with them. But with Christ, there is always hope. May we all embrace that hope in the situations of our lives-when we can; in our own time. Prayers and Peace.

Week 1 recap...

Well, week one of Seminary study is over. I'm only in one class, but I firmly believe that is a good thing. CPE has been very interesting so far, and I'm feeling better about that, too.

My one class here is a church history class. The teacher seems to be pretty cool, so that's a plus. Pretty much everyone I've met has just been phenomenally awesome. I'm feeling less homesick, and that, too, has me feeling more optimistic. Because I'm feeling more at ease, I'm allowing myself to go home next weekend. I miss "Howard," and Sis and Bil, and pretty much everyone. And Sis let me pick out the menu for the weekend, so I'm pumped! Tostadas, Roast, and Beef Stroganoff! Yeehaw! Three of my favorite foods.

But to be perfectly honest, another reason I'm going home is because my sister in law and other nephew are coming up and we're meeting with someone about my mother's care. She's not doing well, and we are thinking that her care is going to have to involve others pretty quick. The intravescular chemo she had didn't kill her cancer, and they've decided to do "Big Surgery." So while that sucks big time, it has to be done. There are a several things to do before that happens, though. So, I think it is important that I be there for that meeting because I am the one who knows the most about her care and situation. I am usually pretty good with dates, so I know at least the approximate times of her other problems and procedures. Also, I was the one who had been driving her to all of her appointments for the past year or so. And the fact that I was the last to leave the nest put me in the position of being around her and seeing what was going on more than my other siblings. My other siblings have stepped in beautifully in my absence, but I really think that it would be a good idea for me to continue being involved in her care because it can offer some continuity, instead of me knowing her care up to now and someone else knowing from x time to x time, and so on and so forth. So, that is another reason I'm going home.

I suddenly feel like I'm writing a persuasive paper! ha.

Anyway, things are going pretty well. Like I said, I'm meeting great people, and I'm optimistic. Except my soup tonight is not a flavor I like. Bummer.

Ouch.

Recently, I have been undertaking the task of cleaning up the house in preparation of my graduation open house. Let me tell you, this is not an easy task. Ma used to be anal retentive about keeping a clean house, but that's not true anymore. She used to make us clean at least once a week, but that's DEFINITELY not true anymore. Anyway, Ma has several magazine subscriptions. The bad thing is, she doesn't throw the mags away once she's read them. So, our coffee table had about 6,534 magazines on it. I was cleaning the other night after work, and I threw them all away. And tomorrow is garbage day, so I was taking the trash out. I tried picking up the bag with all the magazines in it and the bag started ripping so I had to hold it from underneath, and walk all hunched over. I think I hurt myself! Yowza. Maybe it's just stress though. Bad day at work... 4 working days left; God help me through them!

Anyway, tomorrow is Ma's last chemo appointment. Then they'll give her a little break and scope her out again to see if the cancer is gone. Hopefully it will be. Because if it's not, I'm fairly certain they'll have to remove her bladder. Which would suck. But anyway, I'm going to go to bed because I'm tired and slightly crabby. Talk to ya'll later.