Thursday, March 29, 2007

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head...

Ok, I'm at the CPE house tonight because I'm on call. Nothing has happened at the two hospitals yet. However, YS called me this afternoon. Ma had to be taken to the Emergency Room. She was feeling weak and tired, had some low blood pressure, hematuria, and black, tarry stools (Just what you wanted to know). I include her list of symptoms because they sounded to me like a bleed somewhere...

Anyway, I called Oldest Brother's Wife because she works at the home where Ma has been staying. OBW took Ma to the hospital. So, I talked to her and she said Ma has pancreatitis and a bleed somewhere. So, they're admitting her to investigate what is going on. I would sincerely appreciate your prayers for peace, comfort, and strength for her and my family as we have yet another roadblock to Ma's health.

Oh yeah, one last thing... Supa isn't a heartless jerk. He totally offered to cover for me so I could go home, but I decided to stay here because from what I've gathered, nothing is really acute right now, and I planned on going home tomorrow after work anyway. Plus, I called Pastor and he told me he'd go right down to be with the fam. I really appreciate that, and it helps me further realize that the ministry of presence is a totally awesome thing.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Observations and Supervision (A long and rambling post of reflections)

I'm not sure if I've mentioned before that I have CPE supervision on Tuesdays. It's a time for me and Supa to talk about things that are going on within CPE and in my life. For the most part, supervision has been pretty good, but I've not really "opened up," as it were... To a certain degree, that changed this past Tuesday. Last Thursday, I was on call at night (as usual) and I got a call early Friday morning for a situation involving a young man who is just a year or so younger than I am. It was a difficult call, and after I finished with it, I sauntered into the Spiritual Care office at the hospital where I was. My home base is "East," but when we're on call, we cover both "East" and "West." This happened at "West." One of the staff chaplains saw me there again (I'd had a REALLY busy Thursday/Friday on call the week before) and she invited me in to her office to "debrief." During the course of our conversation, she told me that I should make sure to allow myself time and space to break down. I replied to her that I wish I could break down, but I'm not a breakdown person. She said, "You can learn." And so, that has been on my mind lately.

I have a difficult time showing "negative" emotions like sadness, anger, and fear. Even when I'm alone, I find it difficult (if not impossible) to react outwardly to these things. When I'm sad, I think I have a tendency to turn inward instead of crying or sobbing or something. The day I moved out here to "the Mothership," I was fine until my family said it was time for them to go. But, when they started hugging me goodbye, tears actually started coming out of my eyes, but I was so sad and afraid of being alone that tears were not cutting it. It was weird though, because I felt the need to actually sob, but instead, it came out as laughing. It was very bizarre, and it makes me think I broke my "cryer." I don't know.

Thinking about sadness, also makes me think about the last time I cried in public, which was in late November of 1999. And since then, people I love have died and other sad things have happened, but I don't cry in public. But, there is nothing wrong with crying. I don't get uncomfortable when other people cry around me. I actually wish I could cry sometimes, but something in me keeps me from it.

Sadness is not the only "negative" emotion I don't show. Anger is one I also have difficulty showing. I was angry (I don't know at what) when Ma had to go into the nursing home. But as I sat with that anger, instead of expressing it outwardly in any sort of action, I just sat there and rationalized myself away from doing anything. Lots of hot words and frustration were running through my mind, but I just sat on my bed and said, "Doing x activity will do nothing to better the situation, so just sit here and calm down."

Supa asked me during supervision to reflect upon what happens inside me when I experience sadness and anger and don't let them out. I said that I feel really tense, and I clench my jaw, and doing those things keeps me from crying. He told me that he has noticed that I seem tense, while at the same time, playful. He had never commented to me before that he saw me as tense. I think that my saying it gave him a sort of "permission" to tell me what he'd observed. Supa's a really probing questioner, but he himself says he is "too nice." I don't think of observations as mean though. Maybe I'll have to let him know that... He also asked me why I don't show emotion. I told him I'm not really sure, but that it might be a control issue. As I continue to reflect on this, I think even more that it IS a control issue. Things have happened in my life that I have tried to control/affect, but they came out quite different from what I tried to do. I think that my refusal to show outward emotion, even as almost everyone else around me does, is my way of being different, and exerting control over how others see me. In a world where I have little to no control, (they say control is an illusion, after all) I CAN outwardly act in a way that I can control.

The problem now, though, is that I can seem uncaring and callous in the face of sadness and despair. I care-I really, REALLY do, but it may not seem like it to observers. It's kind of odd because one member of my group wants to stop being "so" emotional, and I want to start being emotional... During our mid-term group evaluations, we had to write "sandwich" comments to our group. I tried to do it without coming off as a mean person, (some people didn't put any critique in there, so I still felt kinda mean) and for this person, I said, "Don't lose all of your emotionality. It's an asset." or something along those lines... So, I hope that person recognizes that emotions are important. Anyway, this has been a really long post, and I'm not so sure I got anywhere with it... Hopefully this reflection will spur further reflection.

As a final thought, I was talking to a seminary friend who was telling me about her CPE experience and how when these emotions come to us we need to be able to "name it and claim it." So, my assignment for myself is to be more cognizant of what my "sadness" or my "anger" is, and claim them for myself in order to hopefully be a more rounded person. Any thoughts?

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Some much-needed lightheartedness

1. Who was your first prom date?
When I was a sophomore, my friend Mike, who was a senior, asked me to go with him as friends. I said no at first because I worked on Saturday nights, but prom sounded like a lot of fun. Oh yeah, and he asked me THE WEEK before prom, so Sis, Ma, and I did some major power shopping. I had a blast though. Mike went with me to both of my proms, too. Going with friends is the way to go! I cut a rug like no other!

2. Who was your first roommate?
Other than my sisters, I've never had a real long-term roommate. I had a roommate for about 2 nights back in 2004 when I went to a "Discerning Your Call" weekend for Seminary. Other than that, I've been solo.

3. What alcoholic beverage did you first drink?
We used to get sips of alcohol when we were younger. I think my parents thought that if they allowed us to drink, we wouldn't go out and party. For me, that was largely true. My first drink as a legal adult was a shot of Jamaican Rum Creme, which is quite different from real rum. Sis and BiL brought it back from their honeymoon that they ended a day early in order to take me out for my 21st birthday.

4. What was your first job?
Licking envelopes for my mom's boss... Just kidding. sortof... My first real job was at Restaurant. I worked there for 9 1/2 years before leaving at the end of November.

5. What was your first car?
The first car I drove regularly was a 1991 baby blue Oldsmobile Cutlass Calais that I called "The Blue Bomber." It had two doors and broke down A LOT! The first car I ever bought was a 1990 Ford Escort hatchback. I lovingly referred to it as "The Little Red Ghetto Cruiser" because it was different colors of red, had no air conditioning, or power locks, power seats, power windows, or power steering. It was just a little pile of metal that got me from point A to point B for about 2 1/2 years. I loved that car, and to this day, prefer a hatchback over a trunk, hands down.

6. When did you go to your first funeral?
The first funeral I ever attended was in 1995 and was for my dad. I was twelve.

7. Who was your first grade teacher?
Mrs. Longman-the young one. She was so awesome. One day we had to draw our favorite thing about school on a paper bag that would be used in the local grocery store, and I drew her. She came up to my desk and asked what I was drawing, and I said, "You." She hugged me right then and there and I fell out of my desk. It's funny because after I got out of grade school, I didn't see her again until I was a junior or senior in high school. I completely changed from the extremely small child I was, and when I ran past her and said, "HI, Mrs. Longman!" she gave me this very puzzled look. But, I still have very fond memories of her.

8. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane?
Hehe. I got in the plane, we ascended to 10,000 feet above some of the cornfields of Illinois, and I jumped out. One of these days, I'm going to land in a plane, too.

9. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with? My younger sister (YS).

10. Where was your first sleepover?
Oy. My first sleepover was at my neighbor's house. Her name was Kim and we were the same age. I was a bed-wetter, though, and probably shouldn't have gone. Yes, very embarassing times...

11. Who is the first person you talk to in the morning?
Myself. Out loud, a lot. hehe. Or else, Barb the Spiritual Care secretary or someone at chapel. Depends what day it is.

12. Whose wedding were you in the first time?
My cousin Jason's. YS and I were the flower girls because we looked like twins (I told you I was really small). And we wore these peach shiny/smooth dresses and we didn't throw real flower petals. They used the same material our dresses were made from, and cut them into hearts and had us throw them. I ran out way before the aisle ended.

13. What is the first thing you do in the morning?
Take pills.

14. What was the first concert you ever went to?
Ty Herndon, when I was in Junior High. My "boyfriend" and his dad, brother, and I went. Ty thought I was a boy, and he mussed up my hair. I vowed to never wash my head after that. That man was very good-looking.

15. First tattoo or piercing?
Ears, that I have since let grow shut.

16. First celebrity crush?
McCauley Calkin, even though he's kinda scary looking now...

17. First crush?
Ricky B. I still have a love letter I wrote to him but was too chicken to deliver. What's funny is that Ma used to date Ricky's grandpa, (many years after the crush) and he found the letter and teased me a lot about it. It was all in good fun though. Rick's a good guy still, but not really my type.

18. First TRUE love?
Ugh... I doubt it was true love, but I had puppy love with a guy I have dated off and on for a few years. Please, someone... SMACK ME IF I EVER GET BACK TOGETHER WITH HIM!!! (I really won't next time, though.. The last time he dumped me, he was too cruel about it).

19. When was your first detention?
I never had detention. I only even ever had my name on the board once, and that was in 2nd grade, for talking to my best friend, Kiel while we were supposed to be working on math or something...

20. What is the first big trip you remember taking?
Canada! 17 hours in a car with my oldest brother and his girlfriend at the time. The rest of my family who went was in the other car. It was fun though.

Monday, March 26, 2007


I'm alive. I haven't been near an Internet connection in about 4 days or so, so please forgive my lack of posting. I was on call Thursday and "worked" at the hospital for CPE on Friday. Then I went home for the weekend to spend some time with my family and visit Ma at her new digs in the nursing home. She seems to be getting better. I'm just hoping and praying that she gets better enough to come home. Before she had surgery, she was forgetful, but not to the point where she'd need round the clock care. She's been seeing a neurologist for a year or two now, but I never said the A-word before last week because that's just something I felt the need to not let out there. But, with all that was/is going on, I felt the need to just release that. So, I didn't just pull Alzheimer's out of my hat; it's been going on for a while. That's not quite the "official" diagnosis yet, but we suspect it will be when she goes back to the neurologist's office to get the results of her neuropsych testing.

I really appreciate all your kind words, thoughts, and prayers on the behalf of me and my family. As you can imagine, this is a difficult time. Especially now that life has been significantly altered. It's tough facing the slow, steady, and inevitable demise of a parent. It's about the polar opposite of what happened with Dad. Dad was seemingly fine one moment and dead the next. With Ma, it has been one medical problem after another, with each taking its toll. But, I'm not hopeless because I have the anchor of my faith, and that is Christ my Lord. So, thanks be to God for being the Steadfast Presence in my life.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

I am really frustrated. I am really sad. I wish I had the capability of crying, but for some odd reason, I can't do it. I try to WILL myself to cry, hoping that it would make me able to feel like I'm releasing some of the emotions inside of me, but the tears won't come. And in fact, I don't really know for sure why I'm writing all this. Maybe it's because this IS a way for me to release my emotions. I don't know. I just know that my mother is 67 freaking years old, and she's going to live in a nursing home. And it really drives home #3 in the 5 things you can't change: Life isn't always fair.

This SUCKS!!

My mother is going to live in a nursing home tomorrow. God forgive the string of expletives going through my head at this moment.

Pray for us.

Monday, March 19, 2007

What's this black box on my desk?

Oh yeah, it's a computer... It's been so long since I've seen my computer, I almost forgot what it was. Not really. I'm just being obnoxious.

Surgery on Wednesday went pretty well. It took almost exactly four hours. The doctor removed Ma's bladder and all the things that are involved when a person has a hysterectomy. He also took some lymph nodes from the surrounding area in order to see if the cancer got out into the rest of her system. Back in 2002 when she had breast cancer, a few of the lymph nodes had cancer in them, thus necessitating the need for systemic chemotherapy. Pastor was there pretty much the entire time with us, so that was a comfort. When the volunteer at the desk in the surgical waiting room area came over and told us the doctor was going to be up soon to speak with us, Pastor accompanied us to the conference room where the doctor likes to speak with the family.

When the doctor got to the conference room, Pastor, Oldest Brother (Yeah, he came), Other Brother, Sis, BiL, YS, and I were kind of crammed in there. The room was not very big. Pastor and the doctor stood at the door while the rest of us were in the room. I was standing in the far corner while the doctor told us what happened. After he was done with his schpiel, I asked a question. Everyone turned and looked at me like, "Where did she come up with that question?" But, the doctor answered me. Then, I launched into another question, which also met with a detailed response. I laugh now, because every time I asked a question, all my sibs, Pastor, and the doctor would turn to look at me. But basically, a lot was left up in the air because the answers depend on the pathology reports. I'm glad I had done a bunch of research about bladder cancer because I was able to ask the questions that my siblings weren't able to, but were glad I did.

Anyway, Ma had to stay in recovery for a while longer than expected because her blood pressure dropped due to the anesthesia. Nothing too serious; they just wanted to keep an eye on her. She's not been a very good patient because she's confused and really ready to leave. She ripped out her NG (Naso Gastric) tube, her epidural (for the pain) and an IV. I'm hoping that it's just the anesthesia still messing her up. She's had some cognitive decline in the past few years, but this is really a marked change.

After the surgery on Wednesday, I went home and went to bed so I could get up early and drive to CPE town on Thursday morning and do my thing. I was on call Thursday night as usual, and I was really busy. It was an exhausting and challenging night, that didn't really end until about 10:00 a.m. Friday morning. I cleaned up and went to my hospital (The hospital where I do my CPE has two campuses that are about 2 1/2 miles apart) where I relinquished the pager to one of the staff chaplains. The spiritual care manager (not supa) asked if I was going to leave early. I said no. Then the staff chaplain had a conversation with me and suggested I go. I went up to my floor for a quick minute and decided I really did need to leave because I was just exhausted. So, I went home again, in order to visit Ma and do some things the sibs and I planned to do this weekend.

So, this weekend was busy because we did a bunch of house cleaning/repair, visiting Ma, asking questions to the medical people, and processing what was happening to our mother. I came back to Seminary last night and had a tough time staying awake for the last hour or so of the drive. Next time I think I will stay home and then leave early in the morning. It was rough.

On a positive note, though, Howard remembers me. He has his top two front teeth and he's adorable. I did a trick for him where I put my head back and put a tissue on my face and blew it up in the air. He laughed hysterically. I did that for about 10 minutes and BiL and Sis taped it. He laughed hard every time I did it. Then, the next day, I folded a tissue into a diagonal and hung it on my glasses like it was a doctor's mask. He laughed at that, too. He's an awesome kid and I love him so darn much.

Ok, so that's what I did. Thank you all for the prayers, thoughts, and kind words. I appreciate you more than I probably make known. Later

Monday, March 12, 2007

I Got Friends.

Who are with me in the low places. I am so thankful for the friends (and complete strangers who are willing to pray for Mom/my family/me) I have who are there to support me and keep me grounded. And as I've been thinking about how "little" I'm able to do, I'm realizing that "Little is Much, when God's in it." God is God, and I am not.

"What is the measure of a life well lived?
If all I can offer seems too small to give
This is the song for the weaker the poorer and so called failures
Little is Much, when God's in it
And no one can fathom the plans He holds
Little is much when God's in it
He changes the world with the seeds we sow
Little is much little is much.

Who feels tired and under-qualified?
Who feels deserted and hung out to dry?
This is the song for the broken the beat up and so called losers
A little is much when God's in it
and no one can fathom the plans he holds.
Little is much when God's in it
He changes the world with the seeds we sow."
-These are some of the lyrics from "Little Is Much" by downhere.

5 more minutes!

This one is just too funny to not post.

Your Bumper Sticker Should Be

Buckle up - it makes it harder for aliens to suck you out of your car

Rubber Ball

What can I say? English has always been my thing (despite my never-ending colloquialism).

Your English Skills:

Grammar: 100%
Punctuation: 100%
Spelling: 100%
Vocabulary: 60%

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Yet another cancer post.

Where is that Kubler-Ross lady when you need her? For those of you unfamiliar, (although, I'm fairly certain that you already know who she is) she is one of the people who classified "stages of grief."

Earlier in this unit of CPE, we had a "didactic" on grief. A didactic is a lecture, basically. In these didactics, we learn about things that can be, and very often are, helpful to us in our ministry with the people we encounter. Anyway, the giver of the grief didactic said that change=grief. Even good change causes us to grieve.

Basically, what I'm tap-dancing around is that I'm none-too-happy about what's going on with Ma. I know, I know, come to terms with it, already, but I'm finding it somewhat difficult. I know that God loves her, promises to be with her, even unto the end of the age, and cares for her more than the sparrows of the air. I know that God doesn't like to see her sick and frail and beset with cancer. And I know that God is with my family, her friends, and with me. But I'm just sad about it all. It's a change that will be happening and I'm grieving about it.

I'm sad for my poor mother. I just feel helpless, and that is not something I like to feel. Back in '95 when she had her heart attack, (it was a "minor" one) I could do stuff for her. I could suggest healthy foods. I could offer to go on walks with her. Then, when she got breast cancer in '02, I could look up what kind she had, prepare mentally for her treatment, tell her she looked cute as a baldie, learn about the chemotherapy she was receiving in order to field questions she couldn't answer, and get her 7-Up when she was nauseated. And even more recently when she was first diagnosed with bladder cancer, I learned all about what to expect, and what treatments were out there, and what the side effects would be. But with bladder removal, there's really nothing I can do. I can be with her the day of the surgery, and I plan on being home the weekend after she has it done, but there's nothing I can say or do that will change things or make her physical situation better. This sucks. I'm done writing.


Hey, the other day I posted about a song by downhere that I'm really diggin'. I said it was called "Little Things," but it's really, "Little is Much." Sorry for the confusion.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007


This past week at church, we sang a hymn that I believe has made it into my "favorite hymns" repertoire. In the ELW, hymns are placed under headings such as the season of the Church year, healing, forgiveness, and so on. The hymn we sang that I really liked is under the heading of "healing." Looking at that song made me think about Ma's upcoming surgery, and so I looked in the front of the hymnal and found a service for healing. It begins on page 276 with an introduction that says,

"Our Lord Jesus healed many as a sign of the reign of God come near and sent the disciples to continue this work of healing--with prayer, the laying on of hands, and anointing. In the name of Christ, the great healer and reconciler of the world, we now entrust to God all who are in need of healing."

After the introduction is a place for intercessory prayers for all who suffer. Because of Jesus, we can come before God honestly and openly, knowing that God hears our prayers and our cries for help. This is most encouraging for me. Even if things don't turn out the way I'd like them, I can still trust in the unmistakable and unrelenting promises of Christ.

There are a few options for the next part of the Order of Service. The leader can discern which one would work best for a given situation. The point is that people can come forward and receive the laying on of hands where the minister then says one of two things. I'm partial to the second option. It reminds me of Confirmation in its wording and actions.

"Father in heaven, for Jesus' sake, send your Holy Spirit upon your servant, ______; drive away all sickness of body and spirit; make whole that which is broken; deliver her/him from the power of evil; and preserve her/him in true faith, to share in the power of Christ's resurrection and to serve you with all the saints now and evermore. Amen."

The service continues on, but I would instead like to leave you with the words to the hymn that started this post. ELW hymn 613-"Thy Holy Wings"

Thy holy wings, O Savior,
spread gently over me,
and let me rest securely
through good and ill in thee.
Oh, be my strength and portion,
my rock and hiding place,
and let my ev'ry moment
be lived within thy grace.

Oh, let me nestle near thee,
within thy downy breast
where I will find sweet comfort
and peace within thy nest.
Oh, close thy wings around me
and keep me safely there,
for I am but a newborn
and need thy tender care.

Oh, wash me in the waters
of Noah's cleansing flood.
Give me a willing spirit,
a heart both clean and good.
Oh, take into thy keeping
thy children great and small,
and while we sweetly slumber,
enfold us one and all.

Text: Carolina Sandell Berg
Music: Swedish Folk Tune; arr. hymnal version

Monday, March 05, 2007

That's an afternoon that's shot.

Today, I spent hours and hours putting labels on all my posts. Hopefully they're coherent to you, but if not... Oh well. :) I think I'm going to like having labels that will help me organize what I've said. Yeehaw. Have a good day.


After yesterday's two posts, I couldn't stop thinking about what was transpiring in regards to my brother. I was very disturbed and upset with him for being so seemingly selfish and self-absorbed. This has been just one of many times when he has made excuses to not make time with us individually or as a family. I find it to be very aggravating when he seems to not care about any of us. And each time something like this happens, I find myself being increasingly angry with him. This time was no exception.

Today, in class, we were learning about pre-Protestantism and how penance is a very important part of Catholic doctrine. Our teacher has a book that spoke of how during that time, (11th Century, I believe) priests read books and were practically trained to hear confessions and make sure people made complete confessions. And the book also talks about sins and the penance required to atone for that sin. One of the sins was being angry with your brother, and how if you refuse to be reconciled, you would be expected to do fasting and penance until that time when you were willing to reconcile with your brother. Even though the book was talking about people living in monastic communities, this really struck me.

After class ended, I came back to my room and decided to call my brother. He answered and I started the conversation without letting him know that I knew that he had said something along the lines that he was too busy to come to the hospital the day of Ma's surgery. We had a brief conversation, and I gave him the chance to talk without assuming things about him.

I'm learning more and more that my oldest brother is not like the rest of us who seem to really enjoy and thrive on family contact. He often responds to requests and invitations in a way that makes us think we are not important to him. But the interesting thing is that I think he usually changes his mind after he's been given some time to think. When I talked to him today, I think he had changed his mind about being with us at the hospital.

His change of heart and mind does not excuse his behavior, or my reactions to his behavior, but instead, this instance has been a way in which I have been able to have an insight about him and the way he acts. I just hope that as we continue on in life, we can get to understand each other better, see the others' points of view more clearly, and respect each other as more than fellow children of our mother, but as children of our Father. God grant me grace...

Sunday, March 04, 2007


My last post lacked grace. But my mind and my heart are not feeling full of grace right now. Bear with me, please, and forgive my outburts of anger.

Warning: This post contains some ranting.

I talked to YS today. Mom isn't feeling well. I wonder if she's just getting really stressed about her impending surgery, or if the cancer within her is making her more ill, or if she's just coming down with something. The point is, she doesn't feel well, and with good reason. If I was facing surgery that would take organs that we take for granted out of my body, I would also not be feeling well.

So, here's the rant. My oldest brother (You remember, the one who didn't call, write, or stop by for my graduation open house) is an ass. That's right; I've taken to profanity when talking about one of my own family members. YS called OB(Oldest Brother) to tell him about Mom's surgery. He said, "I ALREADY HAVE TO TAKE A DAY OFF THAT WEEK to take Grandma to the oral surgeon!" From what I've gathered, he was being his usual, "ooh, look at me, I'm too busy" jerky self. Good to know that our mother can count on her first frickin' born to be with her on the day of her surgery. GGGGRRRRRRR. I'm so angry right now!!! PEOPLE FREAKING DIE DURING THIS TYPE OF SURGERY AND HE IS "TOO BUSY!!" The only word that is coming to my mind right now is: Damn It.

Friday, March 02, 2007

I couldn't wait.

So, for CPE, each of us had to do this Enneagram thing. The spiritual care manager (not Supa) was going to score each of our tests and discuss them with us this past Thursday. That didn't happen, but it will later. Because I'm a huge dork and LOVE those kinds of tests, I decided I wanted to see if the all-knowing Internet would classify me the same as my CPE Enneagram. So, here are the results of my Internet Enneagram word test:

Enneagram Test Results
Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||||||| 58%
Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||||||||| 62%
Type 3 Image Focus |||||||||||| 42%
Type 4 Hypersensitivity |||||||||||| 42%
Type 5 Detachment |||||||||| 38%
Type 6 Anxiety |||||||||||| 50%
Type 7 Adventurousness |||||||||||||| 54%
Type 8 Aggressiveness |||||| 30%
Type 9 Calmness |||||||||||||||| 62%
Take Free Enneagram Word Test
personality tests by

And here is supposedly what this says about me:

type score type behavior motivation
2 15 I must be helpful and caring to be happy.
9 15 I must be peaceful and easy to get along with to be happy.
1 14 I must be perfect and good to be happy.
7 13 I must be high and entertained to be happy.
6 12 I must be secure and safe to be happy.
3 10 I must be impressive and attractive to be happy.
4 10 I must avoid painful feelings to be happy.
5 9 I must be knowledgable and independent to be happy.
8 7 I must be strong and in control to be happy.

This is somewhat different from my psychological profile which said that I have found ways to keep myself away from painful feelings. Therefore, I'm slightly puzzled at how low that scored on this test. I also really like to be knowledgable and independent (the psych profile also said I have "strong needs for emotional self-sufficiency and independence." Who knows... Now, I just have to wait a while to see how I scored on the "real" Enneagram test... I'll letcha know.