I've noticed a pattern in my blogging life. I tend to blog far more frequently when things are going well and I'm feeling happy and self-affirmed. But, when I'm less happy, I tend to blog less, which makes me feel almost kind of guilty.
I was talking with my advisor today because she likes to see her advisees at least once a month. We talked a bit about how seminary is going, and then we got onto the subject of my mom. She has an idea of what's going on because she was my advisor last semester when things really started going downhill with her. As we talked, she told me that she hopes I don't feel guilty for being here and not in Illinois with my family, and that I don't feel guilty for feeling sad about the situation. Pretty much, she said she hopes I'm not feeling guilty about any of this. She also said, "I hope you are able to talk with some of your friends about this stuff." I do sometimes, but then I feel like I'm being a huge bummer and dampening everyone's day. And, how do I feel about that...? Guilty. I don't want to be THAT friend that has to always be upset about something and have people all feeling sorry for me all the time.
With that said though, I do need to talk about the crap sometimes. This is an unbelievably hard time right now for me, as I'm confident it is for my siblings, my mom's siblings, and really, anyone who has ever loved my mom. This is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, although I'm not 100% sure, because really, how do you qualify/quantify grief, because grief is cumulative?
I guess blogging is a good outlet for me. It's a way that I can think through some of my feelings, and in a small way, let people in on what's going on, since I'm not always good at letting people know what's up.
I was going to do some reflection on other types of patterns, but I'm tired and I think I might be getting sick, so I don't want to right now.
But, before I go, a really quick story about the end of the meeting with my advisor: We stood up and she wanted to give me a hug. But, I am NOT AT ALL a touchy-feely type person. Several seminary pals have seen my "You're-Invading-My-Personal-Bubble" posture before. But, I hate shutting people down, so she gave me a hug and then she said, "I made you blush!" And then I left and she was laughing. But, it's okay. If I hadn't been so weirded out, I would have been laughing too. Even though I'm still slightly weirded out, I can chuckle a bit. I'm a dork, and that's okay.