Internship Stuff

So, dear readers, tomorrow is the day that most of my classmates find out where they will be going to live for the next year. The climate around the seminary has been relatively subdued, but there is still some anxiety surrounding this event. It's a natural thing to want to know such a big thing and not have to keep speculating about the unknown.

I've been very chill about the whole thing, for a variety of reasons, I think. First off, since I am getting married in May, I restricted myself for internship so that I can (hopefully) live with my soon to be husband. We are going to live in one of the more northern states in the Midwest. I'm excited about this. Another reason I've been pretty laid back is because the staff person kind of "in charge" of this process told me that I shouldn't worry because it will happen. I've taken her exhortation to heart, for the most part.

Finally, I have been fairly relaxed because this same woman told me that I might not get my assignment on the same day (tomorrow) as everyone else because it might take a little bit longer to find me a site in my restriction area. My logic tells me not to freak out beforehand because there is no 'definite' date for me to come to the end of any anxiety I might be feeling. That being said, I don't want to "agonize" for longer than the other people.

I received word on Monday that the internship site they had for me fell through, and so I'm a little bummed that I don't get my assignment on the same day as my classmates, but I had been warned about this, so it comes as really no big surprise. Obviously I feel a little disappointment, but nothing overwhelming.

What I find myself surprised about at this juncture is a little bit of anger I am feeling; not at the process or any of the people involved in ironing out all this internship stuff, but anger about so many people knocking the state to which I hope to go. Granted, it's not a place that most people DO want to go. But the thing that gets me is my own complex with people thinking I am stupid. I find myself wondering, "Do people think I'm stupid/crazy/less than because I WANT to go where they don't want to go?" And even if they do, that shouldn't matter, but like I said, it's my issue about thinking people think I am dumb. I just wish people would stop knocking my future home state.

The other thing is, though, that I know people aren't knocking me or the state, but they are just expressing their own desire to not go there, which is fine. Different strokes for different folks and all. But at the same time, people have a tendency to hear what they have been conditioned to hear (to a certain extent) and right now, I am hearing their desire to go elsewhere as a personal knock to me. Which is totally irrational, I know. I really know. But there are going to be people with complexes and with irrational ideas and fears in their congregations, and I find myself wondering about this.

What it all really boils down to is that I need to quit feeling so dumb. I'm not dumb. Intellectually, I know that. It's just a struggle, I suppose, that I will have to find a way to achieve over.

Sorry for the rambling, whiny-ness of this post. But whatev.

Wow/Duh moment of the Day!

I'm in a class this semester that focuses on preaching (imagine that; a class that helps us become better at the most public part of our ministry). Anyway, for this class, we have a rotation of preaching and each of us goes about every three weeks. My first turn is this coming Thursday. For our preparation, we are supposed to do some work in the original language; either Greek or Hebrew, depending upon what text you have. My text for Thursday is Colossians 1:15-28. We don't have to do exegesis on the WHOLE pericope, but only on the parts we might find particularly interesting. I found that verses 24-28 piqued my interest, and so started working on them in the Greek. I wasn't even looking at the preposition "en," but under the "cairo" word, the "en" came into play. "en" traditionally means, "in." So, the NRSV translates this clause as, "I am now rejoicing in my sufferings for your sake..."

Seriously? I'm REJOICING IN my sufferings? Are you kidding me? Who rejoices in suffering? Yeah, it can help link us to Christ and his suffering on the cross, but if you ask me, suffering sucks.

Anyway, as I was looking at the verbs, I noticed that the big Greek Lexicon (BDAG) talks about how this can mean, "I am now rejoicing IN THE MIDST OF my sufferings."

WOW! What a difference! I can't believe I never saw that before!

Rejoicing in the midst of sufferings still honors the pain and broken places that suffering is. It doesn't try to say, "I'm okay. I have broad shoulders, I can take it." Instead, to me, at least, this slight change seems to convey that I can rejoice in the midst of sufferings, but I don't have to appear to be a huge masochist who enjoys the pain of life! Wow. Duh! Greek isn't so bad after all! (This I can say because I translated five Greek verses in thirty-eight minutes compared with the EIGHT HOURS I spent translating ten Hebrew verses the other day).

What do you think about this? Had you thought about this In/In the midst of thing before? I think I've got a good chunk of my sermon figured out simply by this one little word. It's AMAZING! Maybe I'm a little too enthusiastic right now, but whatever. See you all later.

P.S. I called the senator's office today and spoke my piece on the Dementia Care Reform. Just wanted you to know I practiced what I preached.

ACTION ALERT!!!

Hello Dear Readers. Today, March 3, 2009 is a "call in day" for people to notify their senators about desired changes in health care reform. I invite you to read and follow the action involved in this action alert I was sent from the Alzheimer's Association. It will only take a few minutes, but please know that your VOICES are valuable!

Action Alert!

what:
Nationwide Alzheimer Advocate call-in to encourage Senate to address long-term care in health care reform. Call toll free: 1-866-281-7219

when:
On March 3, 2009 8:30am - 4:30 pm Eastern

On March 4, the US Senate Special Aging Committee is hosting a hearing on long-term care services. In advance of the hearing, we need to send a message to the Senate about the importance of including long-term care services in health care reform.

Call 1-866-281-7219 on March 3.

Tell your Senator:

1. I am calling to tell the Senator to make sure long-term care services and supports are included in health care reform legislation.

2. The cost of long-term care is unaffordable for many families dealing with Alzheimer's disease.

3. I look forward to seeing the Senator demonstrate leadership on this issue.

Call Instructions:

Call 1-866-281-7219.
The operator will tell you to name your state.
You will be connected directly to one of your US Senators. (The call line is set up to randomly select a Senator for you.)
You do not need to call again to reach your other Senator. One call is enough to make our voices heard loud and clear.


Thank you!
As an advocate, your voice makes a difference for our lawmakers.

Questions?
Email: advocate@alz.org



Don't Forget:
Forward this message to family and friends


Background
President Obama has clearly stated that health care reform is a priority for this year. Long-term care services and supports are an essential part of health care reform.

The Senate Special Committee on Aging is holding a hearing on long-term care services on Mar. 4. The Alzheimer's Association is one of many advocacy groups participating in a national call-in day on March 3 to encourage Senators to include long-term care services and supports in health care reform.

The nation lacks a comprehensive national public-private system for financing and delivering long-term care services and supports for individuals with Alzheimer's. We want to see people with Alzheimer's get the support they need. Including long-term care services in health care reform will help improve the qulaity of health care for all Americans and help sustain safety net programs like Medicaid.

It's raining!

Well friends, it is raining outside! I like rain a lot of the time; especially the first rainstorm of the year. It's February 9, and it's raining hard! No snow, no sleet; just rain! I like it. Most of the snow on the ground is gone, and we can see the brown, brown grass. I have no illusions that Spring is here, but it's so nice to have this little respite. Even if the grass is brown, it holds promise of green. I'm excited.

Other than that, I've decided to tell a "funny" story for Preaching. I think it's funny, anyway. I'm trying to "perfect" it and make sure it fits in the time allowed for each of us. Wee.

Other than that, it's week two of the semester. I've done a good portion of the reading, so I'm impressed with myself. Haha. I'm trying... I really am.

Anyway, I'm contemplating a nap, so I'll be off for now. Enjoy the rain (those of you experiencing it).

New Beginnings

The first week of the new semester has come and gone. We here at Seminary started our regular semester of class on Monday, and ended the week on Thursday. I am taking 15 credit hours this semester; a common course load. I only have one class on Wednesdays, but I'm thinking this will help me to stay on top of my coursework. I want to do much more of the reading this semester than I've done in semesters past.

I'm already excited about one of our assignments for Preaching class. We have to tell a story about ourself that lasts about four or five minutes. I love telling stories and enjoy finding ways to make the stories more interesting and engaging for the hearers. My main problem with this assignment is trying to figure out what kind of story I want to tell. Do I want to be my usual funny self (I really AM a funny person, not that you can tell much by reading this blog. I admit, it's a fairly depressing place), or do I want to be sappy, or do I want to reveal a bit of myself that most of my classmates don't know about? (At least I don't THINK they know about). Being vulnerable in face to face situations is often very difficult to me, but I'm realizing that some of the crud I've had to live through can be seen as a gift to others who might be now, or in the future having to deal with similar things. How am I going to be able to help them if they have no idea that I can be a resource for them? But, at the same time, how do I get myself to a place where I am comfortable being vulnerable in a group of classmates? For the most part, I like all my classmates, but that doesn't mean that I want all of them to know about this, that, or the other thing going on. So, I'm just trying to decide where I want to take them in my storytelling. Once deciding on that, it will be much easier to decide what story I want to tell.

Anyway, other than that... I'm just chilling. I need to be reading for class and or working on a sermon for next week. I'm preaching at my home church next Sunday, and another neighboring church the Sunday after that. I hope things with you are well.

Reconciling in Christ

I am trying to figure this out, so bear with me. But, I'd like to become a "Reconciling Christian Blogger." It's a webring that emphasizes that the Kingdom of God includes all of God's children, regardless of race, age, class, gender, ability or sexual orientation; and who long for the day when all of God's children - lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, straight - are fully welcome around the Table of the Lord. I believe this, and I hope that our voices joined together will make it a reality.

Reconciling Christian Bloggers
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My Name is Lisa

Okay, so MY name isn't Lisa; it's Trish. I saw this video about a year ago or so, and just now found it again through a link on www.alz.org. It is a video about a thirteen year old young lady who is living with her mother with dementia. It is well worth the six or so minutes it takes to watch. I think that being twenty-six years old and having a parent with dementia is hard; I can't IMAGINE being thirteen and having to see it. It gives a bit to think about, what with the reversal of roles, and the frustration and pain that comes from having a loved one with this horrible disease. Again I will say, it is WELL worth watching.

Church Conflict (Class; not life!)

I mentioned before that I am taking "Church Conflict: From Contention to Collaboration" for J-term. I maintain that it is an interesting class, and one that I trust will be deeply valuable for the ministry of all who are taking it.

For this class, we were asked to think up an image or idea on the first day that explains how we think of conflict. Everyone shared their idea, and they were great. I would like to share my "image" of conflict:

Conflict seems like a football game in January. There are people around who are screaming, people who are just sitting there watching, and people who have laryngitis and can't speak at all. But, even the person with laryngitis leaves a mark because their breath can be seen in the cold air. Additionally, some people are there because they LOVE football, and some people are there because they love someone who is playing. There are also coaches, referees, cheerleaders, hecklers, and everyone else. That is one image in my mind of what conflict is like.

Some of the other images were likened to elastic that stretches out, a fire that consumes, groups with a pile of weapons and ammunition, and a circle, to name a few. They were all very interesting. Even the ones I do not necessarily "get" are interesting because it helps me see more how the person thinks. I enjoyed sharing that time.

At the end of the first day, we were given an "assignment," and that was to go home and think about an image or idea for "collaboration." When class met back the next day, we went around the room again and we all "spoke ourselves present" by sharing our image. Again, I was incredibly interested to hear these ideas that ranged from a team working together, to the weapon piles being turned from being pointed at people to being turned at an issue that needed addressing. I would also like to share my "image" of collaboration:

Collaboration is like a smile. There are many things needed to smile. A person needs to be able to feel an emotional response like joy, happiness, contentment, etc in order to feel like smiling. There are people in the world too depressed to smile. Also, there needs to be the cognitive capacity to smile. There are people in the world with dementia or brain injuries who no longer know how to smile, or who have brains who don't register emotions. Their brains and muscles are not collaborating to bring a smile to their faces. And there are people who have had certain types of stroke who cannot smile because their brains won't tell their muscles what to do. Smiling takes a lot of collaboration. And, a smile is often contagious. Smile at someone else and see them smile back. Similarly, when we go forth ready, willing, and able to collaborate, others are likely to respond in like fashion.

We have also shared our personal histories with conflict. These stories are often touching, and most certainly deserving of respect. People come from different places regarding conflict. Many of these places are still hurting and are scarred over. But, scar tissue is a part of the learning process. It often protects us from new wounds in the same place. Christ has his own scar tissue in his hands stretched out to embrace all of humanity. These places of past pain remind us that Christ is with us, even in the pain, messiness, and grief of everyday life. Scars help us remember that we too, can work to embrace others.

Some thoughts

Today is Ma's birthday. She is 69 years old. I wrote a letter "to" her, but will not be sending it to her because I'm not so sure she can read anymore, and because it's also very long; longer than her attention span these days.

All my siblings and their significant others (except Oldest Brother and his family) and I went to celebrate with her at the SuperMax last Saturday. We spent about an hour or so with her. She asked BiL who he was, and she called Howard by my name once. I can't believe how much I hate dementia.

My J-term class is going on right now. It started today. The class is called, "Church Conflict: From Contention to Collaboration." It seems interesting, and I've been continuing to work on my personal goal of talking more in class. Each time I spoke up, the professor made some sort of remark about how well I put whatever I said. I wonder if it's because she somehow knows about my goal to talk more... Then again, sometimes I do actually say decently intelligent remarks.

Other than that, right now, I am so incredibly tired that I can't even hardly see straight. I guess I've had an emotionally exhausting couple of days. My childhood home is on the market, and someone looked at the house this past weekend and really likes it. I am thinking about all the things that will need to be done if he buys it. I'm thinking about what that will mean if this person buys it. And I can't help but think I'm overreacting because it's not like I even want the house to stay in the family. There is just a lot of symbolism behind a home you lived in for 24 years, especially through all the things my family has been through. I'm tired. I wish, that just for a little while, things in my family could be like they are in other "normal" families. But in saying that, I start to thinking that I am being a big whiner, and that this is what my life and my family's life is like right now. Put on the big girl underpants and deal with it already.

I think I'm going to go to bed so that I can wake up rested and a bit more chipper in the morning. I don't even care that it's only 7:00 p.m. Goodnight.

"Peace Like a River"

The book, "Peace Like a River" has graced my bedside table for a couple of weeks now, and I just finished it tonight. I enjoyed reading this book, not only for its story, but also because I've been to several of the places in which the book is set. It's set in Minnesota and North Dakota, and those states being what they are to me, I am excited to read about them and about places in the states I've at least driven by.

Anyway, I enjoyed the book for the most part, but it really got me thinking about the hymn, "When Peace Like a River." It goes,

"When peace like a river attendeth my way,
when sorrows like sea billows roll,
whatever my lot
thou hast taught me to say
it is well, it is well with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet
though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control
That Christ hath regarded
my helpless estate
and hath shed his own blood
for my soul.

He lives, oh the bliss
of this glorious thought
my sin not in part but the whole
is nailed to the cross
and I bear it no more
praise the Lord, praise the Lord
Oh my soul!

And, Lord, haste the day
when our faith shall be sight,
the clouds be rolled back as a scroll,
the trumpet shall sound
and the Lord shall descend;
Even so it is well
with my soul."*

The book is set in the 1960s and deals with a father, his two sons, and his daughter. The oldest son, Davy, who is 16 at the beginning, ends up shooting two local bullies (who were bullies to the extreme). The other son, Reuben, is 11, and the sister,Swede, is 9. Anyway, along goes the book, and Davy escapes jail before sentencing after his trial. So, the family goes in search for him, all the while contending with police, FBI people, and others who come across their paths, including a shady character or two.

Life is not easy for them, but they have love and faith. The father, especially, is a faithful man who seems to even have performed some miracles; though he himself would never say such a thing.

The book has ups and downs, but it got me to thinking about grief. I placed myself in the book, and found out that I did not like a part of it. I identified with one of the characters a bit more deeply because we share an experience that was not the EXACT same, but aspects of it were very similar.

My thoughts over one occurrence in the book brought up grief from long ago. It's not insurmountable or even all that troubling; it just is. I got to thinking about how I am of the school of thought that people never "get over" their grief. It ebbs and flows with new grief tapping in to old grief, all the while bringing it back to the surface. Professionals say that it takes over a year for life to be "normal" again after the loss of one who is close. I agree, and on that note, find it odd that society seems to think that people who have suffered the death of a loved one need to "get over it" in a matter of weeks. I would like to think that deep down, they know this is not the case, but I would like to see grace being extended in more tangible ways regarding grief.

Anyway, so back to the hymn... The first two verses speak of trials and Satan's coming against people, but that Jesus is present with us. I like these words. They don't say, "Get over it." To me, they say, "Sometimes, life is going to suck, but Christ 'regards!!!' us even in the murkiness of it all." To me, these words also say that we can be in the thickest grief, or even depression, and have faith in Christ's never-failing presence. That doesn't make things all better, but it can be a comforting truth. After all, the verses don't speak of what WE have done, but instead of what Christ has done for us. WE don't have to be Sunshine Susanna's in order to be loved, forgiven, or worthwhile. It is GOD IN CHRIST who has come to and for us; stipulating nothing, but rather coming and giving freely.

And what of this "peace like a river?" Rivers can be peaceful, but they can also be violent and dangerous. But they are still rivers. Life is like a river, in many regards. Sometimes it is wide and calm, while other times it seems too narrow with rocks just below the surface. But in hope, may we trust that Christ is in the boat with us, suffers the same tosses that we do, and remains present regardless.

*Text: Horatio G. Spafford
*Tune: Philip P. Bliss

My Thoughts on "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button."

Don't read this post if you don't want the plot for "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" spoiled for you.

YS and I went out tonight because the two of us don't get to hang out together as often as we'd like. I met her at her house this afternoon so we could decide what to do. We decided to go to dinner and then go see, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button."

YS and I went to eat at a Chinese buffet that also serves sushi. I gave J a sushi kit for Christmas and he made some the other day. I saw the pictures of it and got a hankering for some sushi, so YS and I went to a place that has it.

The movie, though, is what I want to talk about.

The story begins in the early 1900s and is about a man who is born an old, old man who ages backwards. Sure, he comes out all small like a baby, but he has cataracts, arthritis, and a host of other "old people" maladies, but he looks old, even. His mother dies shortly after giving birth, and his father is so upset by his new son's appearance and her death that he takes the baby with the intention of throwing it into Lake Ponchartrain. Thankfully, a police officer hears the babies cries and the father runs off and puts the baby, with a little bit of money, on the steps outside of a nursing home. A black woman who works there takes him in, because she can't have her own children. She says that her sister had the baby, and didn't want him because he was white. So, she took him in. He fit in well his early years because as he grew up, he looked like a very old man. He was confined to a wheelchair and had glasses and the like. However, he acted like a little boy. He was innocent and didn't know about life and the like. He even made friends with a granddaughter of one of the patients at the nursing home.

As he continued to get older, his appearance continued to get younger. And he realized what was happening. In so realizing, he found out that as he got younger, those around him got older. He had to experience the death of people close to him who lived in the nursing home. "Normal" little children don't have to deal with this grief because most kids do not look to be in their 80s and they don't live in nursing homes. He learned at a young age what grief is.

When he looked 70 something, he began working on a tugboat. He wrote to his little friend from the many ports in which he found himself. Eventually, he met a woman and had an affair with her. It didn't last long, but he had fallen in love. When she left, he was sad, but was able to get on with his life.

Benjamin eventually went back home and met up with his friend again. Her name was Daisy and she had grown to be a woman. However, he still looked 60 and she was in her twenties. The time was not right.

Life continued on for Benjamin. His appearance grew younger and his body grew stronger all the time. Finally, when he was 49, Daisy was 43 and the time was right. They fell in love and had a child of their own. They had met in the middle of their lives to make a new one. But Benjamin knew that he would continue to regress, and so told Daisy to find a real father for their little girl. After all, she "couldn't raise the both of them." So, he left one night, after having sold the things that had the most monetary value in his life. He left the money with Daisy and their little girl.

Time progressed. Life went on. Daisy didn't hear from Benjamin. Until one day, she got a call to have her come back to the nursing home where they had met. Child Protective Services had found the VERY young Benjamin wandering around. He appeared to have dementia. It was an odd thing, seeing this young boy exhibit those symptoms; very disconcerting. But, Daisy visited him every day. She calmed him when he was agitated, held him when he was sad, and was present with him, even in his confusion. And, in one of the last scenes, you see a very old looking Daisy holding the infant Benjamin Button and she says, "He looked up at me with a look that told me he knew who I was, and then closed his eyes as if to sleep." Benjamin died, a very old man who looked very young.

The thing that struck me most about the movie is that it made me think more about how we lose people in different ways. Sometimes we grow apart simply because our interests change and the common bond isn't there anymore. Sometimes that horrible thief, dementia comes and robs our loved one of any memory of us. Sometimes, a person recognizes that their presence will soon become unhealthy and so leaves. And the interesting thing, at least to me, is that often, one person does not wish to give the other one up. It simply happens, adding all the more to the grief. What love Daisy showed in caring for Benjamin, even until the end. She had loved this man intimately, and now held him as if she were his mother. How sad, and yet how reminiscent of what that vile culprit, dementia does. It takes the one we have known and reverts them so they no longer know us, and in some ways, we no longer know them.

But love is always there. Even when Benjamin did not know much about even who he was, let alone those around him, Daisy loved him. Their face to face relationship ended in the same place it started. Their lives had come full circle with HER being old and HIM being young. They had experienced many things in each of their lives, and in their lives together. They had met in the middle and shared years together, until life took them apart.

I don't really have a grand theme to tie this all together. I had many more thoughts about the movie while I was watching it, but now I am tired and need to stop blogging. I recommend the movie. I hope I didn't ruin it for anyone. Goodnight.

REPORT FAIRLY, PEOPLE!!!!!

So, I was reading some news today,and I came across this article regarding Roland Burris and his battle to be sworn in as Illinois' new Senator. Roland Burris previously held the position of Illinois Attorney General. Our embattled governor, Rod Blagojevich, has tried to appoint Burris to President-Elect Barack Obama's Senate seat, a move that has been wildly unpopular since his arrest as one who tried to SELL said seat. I blogged before about Rod Blagojevich and how crooked he is, so that doesn't need to be reiterated here.

What I'm writing about today is that the race issue is surfacing with Mr. Burris' attempts at holding the senate seat. State Democrats have said that they did not think Blagojevich should even try to appoint someone in light of the charges against him. It would be a candidate that no one could trust because of the situation surrounding the appointment. For the most part, I think that is true. Democrats state that race is definitely not the issue surrounding their rejection of Burris' nomination. The article I mentioned earlier quotes Burris as saying he did not think race was the issue. What irks my bubbles is that many reporters are still playing this, despite everyone's FLAT OUT DENIAL that race is the issue. While racists often aren't forthcoming in their ideas about their prejudice, I honestly do not believe race is the issue here. What IS the issue is corruption that has plagued the state of Illinois for DECADES. What also angers me is that the article states that the reason Burris was rejected is that he doesn't have the proper credentials. He does not have the Illinois Secretary of State's signature on his papers. What I think is important, but was oh so conveniently left out of the MSN article, is that the Illinois Secretary of State is Jesse White; a black man.

I think that if reporters want to play the race card, they need to present all the facts. Jesse White seems like an honorable man. No "License for Bribe" scandals have surfaced under him, and I've not heard of any other corruption. Additionally, he supports young inner-city kids to keep them off the street. I don't know if he still does this, but he used to have the "Jesse White Tumblers," a group of inner-city Chicago kids who could come and learn gymnastics to keep them off the streets, out of gangs, and away from drugs. He seems to care about at-risk youth, and that should be commended. The point is, he has actively worked at making life BETTER for black people. To say that he is not interfering BECAUSE of race to keep a black man out of political office is a slap to the face. Mr. White does not NEED me to stick up for him, but I think that it is important to at least let my two or three readers know a few more of the facts regarding this issue.

I hope you all walk away a little more well-versed in Illinois politics. Ha. And I always thought I wasn't political.

The Polar Express

I watched "The Polar Express" for the first time tonight with my nephew, Howard. The movie is a good one; butI thought it was actually kind of scary in some parts. Maybe it's me being sensitive to Howard, who himself is a very sensitive little boy. But, he didn't seem to be too bothered by the parts I was concerned he might be.

While watching the movie, I was thinking about how it can be likened to the biblical stories about the lost coin, the lost sheep, or the prodigal son. The woman swept her whole house until the coin was found. The father rejoiced when his wayward son returned. And the little boy found his heart warmed by the bell that was returned to him, which symbolized his belief in Santa Claus; his belief in the wonder of Christmas. These can all be compared to faith. How there is joy in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents!*

The Polar Express is "about" a little boy renewing his "faith" in Santa Claus. But I think that it speaks to a deeper faith; the faith that gives us a reason for Christmas at all. The bell was found, lost, and then given back to the boy. How similar to our faith that tells us that Jesus seeks us, even when we feel lost, and gives us a new identity as ones linked with Christ. The hero in the story hears the bell and continues to hear the bell even when the world around him ceases to be able. There were conflicting experiences regarding the bell. May we go forth this Christmas season hearing the sounds of faith, despite the conflicting messages that tell us otherwise. Thanks be to God!

*Luke 15:10

Prayer

Lately, I've been thinking about prayer; not just the Lord's Prayer and other common prayers like, "Now I lay me." I'm thinking about how different people are perceived to have "better" or "more effective" prayers. When I was doing CPE, it seemed that some people needed an "authoritative" religious person to pray with them. Some people were content praying on their own, and some people didn't pray at all. I was also thinking about prayer because before just about every Hebrew Content and Language class, someone led us in prayer. When it was my turn to pray in Hebrew Language, I stumbled. A LOT. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not a "bad" pray-er. In fact, many people tell me I'm a "good" pray-er. But, I think what I got tripped up on was that I was trying to be too verbose. A lot of times people, especially Christian leaders, think they need to pray long, elaborate, flowery languaged prayers in order for them to be heard by God. I've fallen victim to this thinking myself sometime. And in response, I've written three prayers that I think could be done anytime, anywhere, by anyone. Here they are:

Holy and Gracious God, you are with us. Help us to remember that ALWAYS. Amen

Holy and Gracious God, you know us. Help us respond to your love. Amen

Holy and Gracious God, your mercy is new every day. Open our eyes to see. Amen.

God hears us. Thanks be to God!

What will happen?

I am from the great state of Illinois, so I find it slightly disturbing that we have such a bad political reputation. However, I think that it would be more fair to say that CHICAGO has a bad political reputation. That being said, Rod Blagojevich WAS elected by popular majority. Conversely, since taking office, his policy has been largely for the benefit of Chicago and surrounding areas. Considering there are approximately SIX MILLION people in Cook County (the county Chicago is in), and almost one million in DuPage (the county right next to Cook), while there are only about six million people in the REST of the state, we can see how powerful Chicago can be.*

Also, I HATE when people say things like, "Not my President," or "Not my Governor." The truth is, they are elected by popular vote. However, Blagojevich is thought to be one of the LEAST popular governors in the whoe United States. He had an unprecedented 0% vote of excellence. NO ONE in the WHOLE state thought he was doing an excellent job. Something like 4% of the people thought he was doing a "good" job. But, we can dislike a politician for EVERYTHING they stand for, but the truth is, they were elected by the majority, thus making them THE POLITICIAN for whatever office to which they were elected. I'm fairly certain that he would not be re-elected during the next election, even without this new development.

Regardless of him being the state's governor, I am glad that he has been arrested. I am not happy that he'll (hopefully) be going to prison, or at the very least, be impeached, but happy that there are days coming for the entire state of Illinois when more competent and honest leaders will take the office. I am not at all a fan of Blagojevich, not only because he doesn't represent the WHOLE state, but because he is dishonest, and he is always looking out for number 1. Public servants are supposed to work for the good of the majority, and not simply for themselves and their pocketbooks. I don't like how he was trying to cut funding for Children's Memorial Hospital. I was a patient there for 4 1/2 years. The fine doctors there diagnosed me with growth hormone deficiency and started me on treatment that allowed me to grow 16 1/2 inches in four years. I would be at LEAST a foot shorter had they not treated me. Not only do I laud them for my own very successful treatment, but also because they are a leading hospital in the nation, and I would dare to say, even the world. When we would go there, we would see license plates from across the nation, and even from different countries. Just looking around at other people while traversing to where we needed to go, I could see different skin tones and different ways of dress. I could hear different languages, accents, and dialects. Different people were patients there. A funding cut would cost not only the hospital, but also the patients. Healthcare should not be an option; it should be a right.

My main peeve about the governor is not the hospital situation, though. It's his dishonesty. Older Brother the Younger is a prison guard. He used to work at Pontiac Correctional Institute, which houses some of the most dangerous criminals in the state. It is a maximum security prison which even has a condemned unit. They don't execute people at Pontiac, but instead simply house them and then move them. That being said, there is a moratorium on the death penalty in the state of Illinois, so there haven't been any executions there for almost nine years. Governor Blagojevich wants to close down Pontiac prison to make budget cuts. With the state of prisons all over the nation, Illinois included, it is a bad idea, in my opinion to save the budget at the expense of the prisons. Prisons as it is now are overcrowded, underfunded, and understaffed. When Governor Blagojevich works to close prisons down, he works to put good, honest, hard-working men like my brother in danger. I don't like that. I also don't like how short-sighted his logic is. Pontiac is a town that thrives on business drawn in from the prison. People visiting their loved ones at the prison get gas, eat in, and buy things in Pontiac. The hundreds of people who work at Pontiac prison make their work there. With the prison gone, how many families would be uprooted or thrown into even more financial crisis? And the thing is, SO MANY prison guards campaigned, put signs in their yards, and VOTED for Blagojevich because of his promises that it is even a bigger slap to their faces now. He didn't keep his word, and it's a BIG word to break. There are so many issues surrounding the potential closure of Pontiac that I can't even touch on them all.

Anyway, I am reading and watching with interest about what will be happening with the governor's legal plight. I have hope that things will look up for our fine state, because I know the people deserve better.

For some comedic relief, check out this video clip from when Blagojevich was on the Daily Show in 2006. It's humorous.

Thus ends my pontificating.

*http://illinoisgis.ito.state.il.us/census2000/county_census.asp?ct=P0010001

A worthwhile view...

My friend Ray posted this on his blog and I felt the need to share it as well with my 3 or 4 regular readers. :) Considering I am playing the "conservative church lady" in Ethics today for our sexuality presentation, I wanted to offset my "playacting" with something with which I agree. Think about it.

I've "been away."

I've said it a lot recently, but I'll say it again: I haven't been blogging very regularly lately. I'm trying to better discern a healthy mix of sharing online and sharing with people face to face. But another reason I've not blogged much this past week or so is because my grandma died on October 30th. She died peacefully in her sleep at the nursing home where she had lived for the past few years. Grandma was eight days away from turning ninety-five years old. She lived a good, long, love-filled life for which I am extremely grateful, and yet I still am sad and grieve the loss.

It's an odd thing; grief. I know that Grandma is finally at rest, and I don't wish she were still alive, but I still grieve. When I moved to Seminary, I put some pictures of family members up on my refrigerator. I put two of her up. One picture was taken more than twenty years ago because Gram has her arms around YS and me. The other picture was taken just about two years ago, and shows Gram holding Howard when he was a little baby. I love those pictures because Grandma has big smiles on her face. She really loved us kids. Even when she couldn't remember exactly how we all were related, she knew that she loved us. I am also very fortunate because even though Grandma was VERY forgetful, she was still herself, even to the end. She had a lot of one line funny remarks, and was always quick with a smile. She was so special and I loved her so much.

I was reminiscing about Grandma the other day because I was thinking about when I was a kid, how Gram and I would sometimes share a birthday celebration. Her birthday was November 7th, and mine was the 10th. We would have a family dinner and open presents and have cake. And even though Grandma had almost seventy years on me, she always let me feel extra special on my birthday. But, that's who she was.

Grandma lived about a block away from me growing up. We would go out our front door and run through the church yard and be at her house. Visits to Grandma's house were normal things. Grandma ran a nursing home in the town where I lived until the mid or late sixties. Her parents had started it, and she ran it when they got too old. But, the state came in and said they needed to have an elevator and various other things that a nursing home in a town of 400 people couldn't afford, especially since my grandma and her family didn't charge people what they couldn't pay. So, the nursing home closed down after they found places for all the residents to go. Well, all the residents except for one: Donna.

I don't know what was wrong with Donna. I just remember that Grandma took her to live in her house. Donna was bed ridden and probably weighed all of seventy-five pounds. She had dark brown hair, couldn't talk, or do much of anything. She would open her mouth and go, "AHHHH AHHHH AHHH." Not in pain, but as her way of communicating. Donna's bed was in the living room (it had rails on it and couldn't fit into the other rooms, I think). When Grandma got a cat, it would get up there and lay in the bends of Donna's legs. She seemed to like it. Donna's sisters would come visit sometimes, and they were so grateful that my seventy-something year old Grandma was able to take care of her. Thankfully, back then, the doctor still made housecalls and would come to see Donna. I think that's a part of what made her living with Grandma possible.

Oh, another interesting thing to note...Grandma had two children: My dad, and my aunt Joyce. Joyce was born extremely mentally challenged. I don't think she could talk either. She could walk though, with help. I remember Grandma going in to her room and helping her walk out to play "cards" with us little ones. So, Grandma took care of Donna and Joyce (who we pronounced Joycee) at the same time, until Joyce died of a heart attack when I was four years old.

Eventually, Grandma had to ask Donna's sisters to find a new place for Donna, because Gram was getting too old to take care of someone so intensively. Donna moved away then, and I don't know what happened to her. She probably has died by now. She wasn't that old when Grandma had her, but that was still almost twenty years ago.

Grandma was a beautiful and caring woman. She gave selflessly and sacrificially to those she loved. Despite having lived through wars and rumors of wars, the Great Depression, the death of husband, and BOTH her children, a grandchild who died at birth, and countless other events, she didn't get cynical. She laughed, she joked, and she poked gentle fun. She loved her family (which was small, considering she had been an only child), and she was willing to try new things, even as she got older and older. My grandma was very "go with the flow," and yet she still managed to get things done. She was a really special lady and I am grateful for the many, MANY warm memories I have of her.

In honor and memory, I give you one of my refrigerator pictures (considering if I were to meet you on the street, you probably wouldn't know me from this picture). I give God thanks for her life, and entrust her to the tender compassion and care of Jesus Christ, who has conquered death and who has promised to be with us always, even unto the end of the age. Thanks be to God!

Knowing and Being Known

It's been a long time since I've posted anything substantial, dear readers. I'm dreadfully sorry. Life has been busy. Anyway, I'm going to stop making excuses.

Several weeks ago, I went to Illinois to preach at a church near my home church, and to spend some time with my sisters, their significant others, and Howard and Sunscreen. I also decided that I needed to go and tell Ma that J and I got engaged. After worship on Sunday morning, I headed over to the Supermax to see her.

When I got there, I walked in the front door, through the door to walk down the hall to her unit, and then input the code to be able to swing open the gate to get into the dementia unit where Ma lives. I walked around the corner and looked around at the people sitting at the tables where they eat. I saw Ma sitting at a table with another woman, and as I got closer, she looked up, smiled, and said, "Hi, Trisha!" I was SO thankful that she knew me. She's been slipping a bit more lately, so it was nice to have her "with it" enough to know who I was.

I sat down at the table with Ma and the woman with whom she was sitting. Ma's tablemate would mumble something every so often, and repeat the same words over and over, and I couldn't really understand her, so I just shook my head and said, "okay" a couple of times. I turned my attention to Ma and asked her how she was doing. Ma can't speak in complete sentences anymore, and often uses words that don't belong. So, we can't have meaningful conversation, but she knows I love her, and I know that on some level, she is still able to love me.

After Ma quit talking for a minute I said, "Well Ma, I have something to tell you. I got engaged!"

It didn't register with her. At all. She piped up with new and different things to say. But she didn't acknowledge what I'd told her.

So, I just asked her some more questions and let her tell me the things she was saying, all the while feeling a bit bummed that she couldn't share with me in my joy of being in love and planning a wedding. But, I figured she wouldn't get it. I'd just hoped a little bit that she would have some spark of excitement. But she didn't.

What I did have joy in though, was that she knew me. It's a hit and miss thing when I go see her, whether or not she will know who I am fully. And when our visit was all said and done, and I said, "Goodbye. I love you," I walked to the gate, re-entered the code, walked down the hall through the door to the hallway, and input the code to get out of the Supermax. But, I left knowing that that day, she knew who I was.

As I reflected on the experience, I got to thinking about how NICE it is to be known, and how often we take this familiarity for granted. And I got to thinking about how we are known by God. As a Christian, I can say that I "know" God (in a certain sense; I can never FULLY know God. What I mean is that I know of God and the salvation God offers in Jesus Christ) and am fully known BY God. God doesn't forget me. I believe God knows me in my joy of becoming engaged, and as I grow in love toward J, and I believe God knows the pain I have in my heart because Ma is not well. God knows. God knows me well, as it says in 2 Corinthians 5:11. That God loves me and knows me is something I cling to in times of hardship, even though I may not always seem like it does much for me. It does.

To know and be known is a great and merciful thing. With faith that God never forgets who we are, may we live. Thanks be to God.

Substantive Posting is forthcoming, I promise.

But for right now, here are only a few more quick snapshots of what is going on with me.

My oldest brother's 48th birthday was on Monday. I called him, but he didn't answer. I left a message of good will an hope he got it.

This past weekend was a busy one. On Friday, I had my endorsement interview. Endorsement is a big step in the candidacy process in the ELCA. A person is an applicant to candidacy at the beginning. That process involves psychological testing, background check, essay writing, and an entrance interview. Once successfully completed, a person becomes an official candidate and enters seminary. After that first year, a person does some reflection on their call and on their theology and write an endorsement essay. This essay is sent to synod people and an endorsement interview is scheduled. The E.I. is largely undertaken in order for the "powers that be" to see if they believe a candidate is ready for internship. They generally tell the candidate places they have seen growth, as well as some places for continued intentionality. Pretty much everyone freaks out about the E.I. in some manner or another. I think I did pretty well with it, although I was a little nervous. However, the interview was conducted with two candidacy people, my advisor, and me, and was more like a conversation than a grilling. When they sent me out to talk about me, I wasn't too nervous, but it took a bit longer than I thought it should have. When they called me back in, it was to apologize because they had started having regular old conversation, and needed to reel it back in. They are recommending me for endorsement to the entire panel that will meet on January 3rd. I'm excited. They spoke of many good things about me, and also challenged me to grow in a few particular places. They also made a few suggestions to me for the future regarding my spiritual development and the need to find honest and trustworthy people with whom to discuss my feelings regarding my mother, especially when she dies. But, none of the growing edges they discussed with me were really a surprise.

So, Friday night, after my E.I., we had a wee bit of a party, but I could only stay about an hour or so. I needed to go to Illinois because I was going wedding dress shopping with my sisters on Saturday, and was leading worship at a church about 15 miles from my home church on Sunday. I stayed at the party long enough to stomp all my friends at the game, "Apples to Apples!" (THE FUNNEST GAME ON THE PLANET!) and to have some good conversation. One of my friends said that they came out with a biblical version of Apples to Apples. I interjected, "Yeah. It's called, 'Apples to SIIINNNN!!!!'" Got good laughs.

I drove home on Friday night. It was an uneventful trip; one I've done many, many times. I got "home," and went pretty much directly to bed. I was tired.

On Saturday morning, Howard and Sunscreen (who is walking like no other these days!) came into my room while I was still lying in bed. Howard said, "HI TRISHY!" and Suncreen was going, "TRISHY! TRISHY!" It was TOO cute. They got up on my bed and gave me hugs and kisses. It is one of the best ways to be woken up. They're my boys. Sis said that she had been telling Howard all week that Aunt Trishy was coming home, but hadn't said anything that morning. As soon as she brought them down, Howard said, "Trishy? Trishy?" And then came to my room! I love my nephews something fierce!

YS came over, and my two sisters and I shared breakfast with the boys, and then the three of us left to go WEDDING DRESS SHOPPING! Sis and YS had four places in mind for me. One was David's Bridal, and we had an appointment. I only saw three dresses in their catalog I liked, and the consultant brought them to me. I was a little nervous, and so had a little trouble breathing while putting them on. Lol. I kinda liked one, but thought I'd continue looking at the other places, too.

So, the second place we went was probably my LEAST favorite. It was a small boutique with hideous wallpaper and carpeting (not that that REALLY matters, but still...). We had to sign up at the front desk to be put on the list to get a dressing room. We found a few dresses (actually I should say that Sis and YS found a few dresses. I didn't actually do any of the looking) and the proprietor said, "I have a room, but it's very small." We said that would be fine, and she showed it to us. It wasn't that small at all. Sis, YS, and I went in, and they were helping me. Then, a knock came at the door. I said, "Uh... Hold on a minute." And the knocking kept coming at intervals until finally she just CAME IN! The proprietor thought I NEEDED HER HELP! EXCUSE FRICKING ME, LADY! THAT'S WHY BROUGHT SISTERS! SO STRANGERS WOULDN'T BE SEEING THE GOODS! lol. My body language and tone of voice should have clued her in, but it didn't. After that, I was like, forget this place. Let's go! So we left.

The third place we went was lots better. The consultant told us about the dresses, but not overly so. She let us go to looking (and again, by "us," I mean Sis and YS), and then when we found several, she took us back the dressing rooms. She said, "Do you want my help?" I said, "No, thank you." She said, "That's what they're for, right!?" And it was well understood and all was happy. She said she would wait outside the dressing room to answer any questions we had. I tried on three dresses, with no luck. Sis told me that when she tried on her dress, it screamed, "BUY ME!" I wasn't expecting that for me, because I'm not the kind of person that fashionable things scream at. But, the fourth dress I tried on there spoke quite loudly to me. It is simple, yet elegant, and for a dress, makes me feel relatively comfortable. So, I asked the woman to hold it for me, because we had one more place to go. She said no problem, gave me her card, and said she'd appreciate hearing from us when we decided.

The fourth place... Nothing spectacular. I think I tried on two dresses or so there. Neither of them even whispered at me, really. So, we went back to place number three and I said, "You are the winner!" And the consultant said, "Yay! Not because you chose us, but because now you have your dress!" And she was quite a delight to deal with, and she didn't breach every single boundary issue I have with people and my physical person. So, I bought the dress, and am happy that that part is done. I simply need to have it cleaned (it was the last of its kind and was on the sale rack-score~!-so it had makeup from other women on it), and I need to have it altered just a little in the straps. I'm pumped. But, I can't tell you more about it, because my beloved reads this blog (sorry, my love!) and it's "supposed" to be a surprise. And I kind of want it to be. So that is the story on that.

Sunday, I led worship at the church. It went pretty well. I preached REALLY short, but I felt it wrapped up nicely. I didn't feel the need to just go on and on. I got some positive feedback, and then went to the adult sunday school between church services. It was weird because I pretty much led that, too, which I was not at all comfortable with. I used to work on Sunday mornings and couldn't do Bible Studies, so this was pretty much my first one. Lol. But, I think they were satisfied with my input. I don't know. I then led the second service, which I liked better because it felt more like "church" to me. All in all though, things went well.

I then went to visit Ma at the home. She knew me, so that was nice. She can't speak in coherent sentences, so that's not so nice. And I told her I'm engaged and she doesn't understand the concept. I could say more, but I'm not going to.

So, then I went "home" again, saw my boys for a while, and then came back home to the castle. Classes are going fine, for the most part, although I'm not a big fan of Hebrew Language or Educational Ministry. But those are my own issues. I'm working on them. And with that, I'm off to my "FIELD WORK" for Ed. Min. Yeehaw. Have a great day, and I am thinking about a post about knowing and being known. Be prepared.

A few quick updates

This Monday and Tuesday, we have Reading and Research (R&R) days at the seminary. It's a time to catch up on work, ideally. I did a little bit of homework yesterday, but I really need to get cracking.

The weather is changing, and with it, the leaves and the amount of sunlight hours. I love looking out the windows in the dorm hallway on my floor and seeing the trees in various color stages. Many trees are still green, but there are a few near ones that are almost bare already.

I read a book yesterday called, "When Love Gets Tough, The Nursing Home Decision," by Doug Manning. It's 90 pages of interesting material. The book didn't really apply so much to my family and our situation, but it was decent to read for future reference. My main beef with the book was language and how the author talked about "his" decision to put his mother in law in a home, and did not talk about his wife's input or anything of that nature. If you can get past this subtle "theology of ownership," it has much valuable information. What I liked the most about the book was that he emphasized and re-emphasized that there will be guilt, but that guilt is a normal reaction. He doesn't deny the difficulty of the situation. Another valuable part of the book was when he said that we should not argue with our loved ones about how they feel because it causes them to defend their position, and thus feel the need to stick to their guns until, basically, they are dead. And lastly, about the book, my favorite line in the whole thing said, "I would rather light one candle than curse the darkness." I don't know exactly why I like that so much, but I do.

Let's see, let's see... On the wedding planning front... I think we've basically been taking a bit of a break from it. We have the church, pastors, reception hall, photographer, hotel rooms blocked for guests, and honeymoon including air plans and insurance pretty much set. I am going wedding dress shopping next Saturday with my sisters. They are also finding catering information for us. I need to get cracking on finding a DJ and a florist. The Knot (.com) keeps telling me that I am behind, but there are plans in the making for most of the stuff we are behind in. I'm not too worried.

And lastly, I have been reading some articles and what not online lately about grief and the like. Here are a couple of the blogs/grief articles I have found that can be useful for people who are going through all sorts of grief, and not just the grief of having a loved one with dementia:
An Article On Anticipatory Grief

The Grief Blog

Grief & Bereavement from the Alzheimer's Association

There we have it. A few quick updates on what I've been doing. I hope you all are enjoying the change of the seasons, and that things are going well. Shout out to ya later.