Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Smiling is an important daily activity.

Well, friends, I'm going to be honest here and say that I've not been feeling the best the last couple of days. The weird thing is, I have SO much for which to be thankful; the love of a good man, two sisters whom I love, three beautiful nephews, a brother and his wife I'm fairly close with, an awesome array of friends, a God who loves me unconditionally, and the opportunity for education. So, with all this, I just feel like a big whiner for saying that I'm having a rough go at it right now. But that's the truth.

I guess I'm just kind of sad about the way things are with my mom and how that affects her, me, and the whole rest of my family. And lately I've also been thinking about my dad and how I miss him. I'm a bit sad that at our wedding, J isn't going to get to do a Mother-Son dance and that I don't get to have my dad walk me down the aisle or to dance with me. I'm sad that I can't talk to my mom and hear her advice on how to live with and love a man for decades more of my life. I'm bummed that she won't get to sing at my wedding, or even attend because it would be too much for her. And I'm also worried that I am going to catch flak from people who don't "get" the situation who think that it is selfish of me to not find a way for her to come.

But there is nothing I can do to change these things. I can remember with joy and love the way things used to be. I can know that Christ is with me in the range of emotions I am feeling right now, and that I don't have to deny them. I can even try to deny these feelings and just keep swimming. It's just hard to do sometimes, and darn near impossible at other times.

Mom keeps deteriorating, and because Alzheimer's and Vascular Dementia are so similar (and often Vascular Dementia is accompanied by AD), I have come to believe that she is in Stage 6 of her dementia. After talking with YS today, I am pretty much convinced. And I looked ahead to what we can expect and there is more to come, but the thing that gets me the most is that she's going to lose the ability to smile. My mom, who taught me humor by her own example, and who appreciated laughing and smiling, is going to lose the ability to do these things. And I think that really fricking blows.

And at this point, I *should* say something optimistic about how the love of Jesus is with me to get me through, but I think that's candy-coating it, and I don't feel like candy-coating today. Don't get me wrong, I'm not losing my faith; not at all. I just don't think we are called to smooth things over all the time. And right now, I think to smooth things over would be to disrespect the human condition; the condition that God in Christ came to embody.

Suffering produces endurance, eh?

No comments: