I led worship today

and this is the message that I preached. Oh, and the worship I led was not at "my" church, but at a neighboring church. Pastor let his pastoral friends/colleagues know that I was willing to do supply preaching, and I have had several biters. Today was my first time preaching away from my home church. It was exciting. So, I preached last Sunday at my church and Pastor's "other" church, this week at a neighboring church, and I'm doing next week at yet another church. Woohoo! Anyway, in an effort to become less of a wuss, I'm putting this out here. I'm also trying to remember grace. Just because there is drama and stress in my life, doesn't mean that I should lose sight of grace, both for myself and for other people. So, here's the message:

Church Message 23
June 24, 2007

God is good-all the time. This phrase is very true. Unfortunately, in the midst of all the things in our lives that can go wrong: untimely death, tragedies, divorce, illness, pain, etc, sometimes, we can forget that God is indeed good. This morning’s Gospel lesson features two people who many would see as people who had been slighted by God. After all, they were getting on in years and they had not had any children. Elizabeth was thought of to be unable to have children, and so she and her husband had pretty much given up on the idea of hearing the pitter-patter of little feet running around the house. As we heard at the beginning of today’s Gospel lesson, though, it became time for Elizabeth to give birth. This couple who had thought they would go to their graves without having children, was blessed in a special way. I wonder, if after finding that Elizabeth was pregnant, the neighbors had a good talk amongst themselves about what was going on. This child could have been considered to be long overdue, considering Zechariah and Elizabeth’s ages. What did the neighbors think about the whole situation? Did they think that God pitied the couple? Did they think some sin in their lives had finally been resolved, thus “allowing” God to bless them? Or did they just think, “Good for them!”? I wonder. But, instead of blaming God for their misfortune up until then, and instead of saying, “What’s changed?” Elizabeth and Zechariah rejoiced in the new baby. This couple didn’t seem to really care if the neighbors had been talking about them, but instead, they rejoiced. Thankfully, instead of seeing Zechariah and Elizabeth as weird, the neighbors joined with them in the celebration of the new life that was brought forth. How easy is it sometimes to forget the goodness that we have been given and instead focus on how we’re perceived by others? I imagine that Zechariah and Elizabeth’s enthusiasm for their brand new baby boy was contagious. They showed great gratitude, and the neighbors joined in. Perhaps it was contagious? Perhaps it was leading by example? The point is that the blessing of God in their lives was not overlooked because the couple didn’t downplay their excitement because of how they might be perceived. They saw their blessing, and they gave thanks.
And we come back to the neighbors. I can imagine that many of you are parents. A couple of my siblings have small children, and so I speak only from the experience of being a part of the lives of my nephews. When my brother had his son, and when my sister had her son, I remember how each of them got a lot of advice. Parents who had been there before were offering tips on what worked for them. A great deal of that advice was very helpful to them. However, it became somewhat of a balancing act as they tried to sort through the advice, and all the while try to figure out their own parenting styles in the midst of it. Sometimes that was a hard task because we don’t like to alienate those we trust and love. So, can you imagine how Elizabeth and Zechariah must have felt when the neighbors came to be a part of the circumcision and naming ritual? The neighbors, we are told, pushed for Zechariah to name his child after him. But, in an earlier part of Luke’s Gospel, an angel told Zechariah about his future son, and what that son should be named. But here, all these people came, EXPECTING Zechariah to name the baby after him. They came to give their advice and to offer their opinions. Elizabeth said no when they pushed for the name Zechariah, and then Zechariah said no by fulfilling the angel’s command when he went against the cultural norm and named his son John. This behavior might also have been seen as odd, but these two faithful people realized that they had God with them. They did what God said, and not what the neighbors said.
Thankfully, as these “bizarre” events unfolded, the example put forth by Elizabeth and Zechariah was enough to show the friends and neighbors that God indeed was among them. But, this “God among them” bit struck a bit of fear into their hearts. What would that mean for them? Would they have to look into their own lives to see what was happening if God was among them? If God was among them, did that mean that things would have to change? And the million dollar question that was widely talked about in the region was, “What will this child become?” That question was one that was not easily answered. Even into John’s adult life, people questioned who he was. Some thought he was Elijah, while others thought he was the Messiah. Some thought he was just a weird guy, and some didn’t think of him at all. But, the neighbors at John’s birth wondered, “What will he be?” A common question, I think, when a child is born. I imagine parents often wonder what their children will become. The same could have been true for these parents, considering the unusual circumstances under which John was conceived. An angel told of John’s birth, so what would that mean for the rest of his life? God was with this child, so what would that mean for him? What does it mean for the children of today? God is with the children born today, and especially at their baptism. It means that love will always be a part of their lives. Love is a part of all of our lives as baptized children of God. An angel may have told Zechariah that he would become a father, and that God was with them, but we can know that God is with us, too. This may seem weird to people who do not have faith in their hearts and lives, but we can go forth in our lives knowing the love of God in Christ.
In response to the knowledge of God’s presence in the life of his new baby, Zechariah’s mouth was opened as he spilled forth adoration and praise to the God who made it all possible. This praise was Zechariah’s way of saying thank you to God who came through on God’s promise. God is always faithful, and God is always merciful. God had shown mercy to Elizabeth when she became pregnant, and by making John a messenger and preparer of the way of Jesus. God showed mercy to THE WORLD by coming in Christ in order to grant us forgiveness. Things may start small, but when God is at work, they don’t have to stay small. This is true for our entire lives today. God changes the world with the seeds we sow. By doing even the “little” things for those we meet, such as a smile or a kind word, we can show the love and the mercy we have been so freely given. Perhaps these actions can be our own way of saying “Thank you” to God. When John was named in this morning’s lesson, Zechariah was claiming him as his own. Zechariah claimed this gift from God, and by doing so, I believe he was saying, “Thank you God. I receive and acknowledge that this gift is from You.” In a society where we “get what we earn,” how easy is it to remember that God gives abundantly what we can never earn: unconditional love and mercy? Do we risk being seen by the neighbors as naive people for our love? Do we risk being seen as Christians with all of the stereotypes that surround us? Do we RISK going forth as people who are called, gathered and sent, knowing that Christ calls us to lives of thanksgiving, prayer, and love? I can think of worse things to be known by.
So, the question is, do we go forth as people who have received grace; as people touched by God in our baptism to make Christ known to a broken and hurting world? Do we go forth with the knowledge that Christ is our king and deserves all praise and honor, and yet with the understanding that He seeks relationship with us, as people who are unworthy to untie the thong of his sandals through our own merit? The very same John from today’s Gospel lesson would grow up to become one who preached for people to repent from their sins. He knew he was not the one to forgive these sins, but he knew he had a place in God’s plan that required him to herald the coming Messiah. Christ came as that messiah. He came to offer forgiveness for those who turned from their sin and turned to Him. Jesus came to save us, not only FROM sin, but FOR lives of praise. May we take our words and deeds of love to our neighbors so that they too, may experience this grace. Amen.

5 Things I Dig About Jesus

Mark tagged me, and I am usually a good sport, so here goes...

Here are the rules:

Those tagged will share 5 Things They Dig About Jesus.
Those tagged will tag 5 people.
Those tagged will leave a link to their meme in the comments section of this post so everyone can keep track of what's being posted.

Five Things I Dig About Jesus

1. Jesus did things that were different, and that turned heads.

2. Jesus is relateable because He didn't hold Himself up to be this hugely lofty guy. Nope, Jesus was a worker, a friend, and a teacher, and I believe Jesus tried to do this in a way that He knew we could emulate.

3. Jesus didn't (doesn't) run when situations get hairy. Jesus sticks around for the whole show.

4. Jesus addressed issues of His own time, but that still are important today. My favorite quote of Jesus' is found in Matthew 6:34. It talks about worry.

5. Jesus loves me even when I don't. :) That's pretty cool.

I tag Jacki, Jae, Faith Love and Bandaids, Inheritor of Heaven, and I think everyone else I know has been tagged already! If not, consider yerself tagged.

Nature

Okay, so a while ago, I said I was going to write a post on how nature makes me feel. I've been lax, but here it is, as promised.

My dear good friend and I went to one of the state parks a few weeks ago. It's tradition for us to go hike for a while, and then go to Applebee's for margaritas and lunch or dinner. "Dan" picked me up about 7:00 a.m. the morning we went out, and we drove to the park. We figured out which trails we wanted to hike and we set out. It was a beautiful day. The sky was blue, there was just enough of a breeze, and we were the only ones there when we first arrived. While we were walking, we got to be the ones to break down the spiderwebs the arachnids had sewn during the night across the paths. We took the canyon trails mostly this day, instead of the bluff trails, and we got to see some waterfalls. Granted, they weren't large waterfalls, due to the fact that it hasn't been really wet around here, but they were waterfalls, nonetheless, and beautiful even in their fragility. Dan and I traversed through some shallow pools of water and walked through the falls to get to the other side where we could get a better view. The water was cold because the ground wasn't yet warmed completely from the winter.

Dan and I see so much beauty when we go there. We also have some good conversation and catch up on each others' lives. He even asks me about this ministry stuff that I'm getting into, which means a lot to me because he is unchurched. We talk about our dreams and aspirations, what we've been about and how that has changed us. It's like the simplicity of the woods takes away any and all pretenses we have in conversation with each other. But, Dan and I have been friends for several years, and so maybe the woods have nothing to do with it. The fact is that we connect with each other, and we connect with Creation. I connect in thanksgiving for what we've been privileged to share in, and he connects in his own way, which I will not speculate on, considering it is not my place.

Being out there, walking through forests and canyons, looking out from bluffs onto the river, and seeing everything makes me so amazingly grateful for life. I'm so glad for the pause I experience when I'm there. I don't live in a big city, but my town is still quite different from being separated by forest and river. Walking through the crisp morning air, breathing in the freshness of it all, and feeling the water and leaves all remind me that God is here among us. God created this, and this park has been home to many different people through the years. It reminds me of Communion. During the Supper, we are connected by Christ's body and blood. While sharing in the wonder of nature, we are sharing in God's goodness through the gift of respite and relaxation. Genesis 1:31-God saw everything that he had made, and indeed, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day. Thanks be to God for all the ways we are connected, and may we always remember our bonds.

Racking my brain...

Wee. Mark tagged me for a meme, and because I'm disgusting from some exercise I just did, I figured I'd stink it up here in the dining room and do it! Here is the 8 random facts theme!

1. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
2. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
3.At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
4. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

My Random 8 Facts!

1. I was the "short kid" in school until I was probably 17 years old. I was SO short that I had to sit on two Christmas Edition JC Penney catalogs when I was learning how to drive. Thankfully, I was down to one when I got my license, and soon thereafter, graduated to none! Thanks to the wonder of modern medicine, I grew 16 inches in 4 years.

2. At one point in my life, I wanted to become a doctor. To be specific, I wanted to be an endocrinologist (one who specializes in the diagnosis and treatment of glandular disorders). However, my contempt for math and science led me away from that field.

3. When I was in junior high school, and even a little into high school, friends used to come to me for medical advice because of the previous fact. I correctly "diagnosed" a few medical maladies. I think I could do this because when I was sick from school, I oftentimes would read the medical encyclopedias we had in the foyer of our house. I was a complete dork. (and still am).

4. I hate being told what to do when I'm not asking for advice. I can get somewhat spiteful, which is one of my major flaws, when I believe people are stepping on me. I'm trying to stop this behavior because most of the time, people are just looking out for me.

5. I like working with my hands and getting dirty and sweaty. It's gross, I know, but something is contented within me when I have fixed something, or made something look nice. I will even take risks if I think I have a way out if my plan doesn't work. One example is my plumbing project when I installed the new kitchen faucet at my house a few years ago. I was thrilled when it worked. I also like weedwacking abandoned yards and I find it quite therapeutic.

6. I have never been on a plane to go somewhere (except in the air in order to jump out). When I tell people that I jumped out of the first airplane I was ever in, most people balk some. I laugh. But, one of these days, I'll take a trip requiring a flight.

7. I have an extremely bizarre laugh that makes other people start laughing with me. To go along with this laugh is a bizarre sense of humor. I laugh at weird stuff all the time, and I don't care. Even when I was a kid, I used to have "laugh attacks" and my "special" (I was smart) class had to take time out so I could compose myself. It's cool though.

8. The person I am today is not a thing like I was 6 years ago, and that's totally okay by me. I am glad for the change, even the trying times that have shaped me. Growth and change is a remarkable thing, especially when we can see it in our own lives.

So,I am going to tag Deb, Inheritor, Faith Love & Bandaids, and I need to get more blogging friends! Haha. If you read this and feel inclined to play along, just let me know, and I'll totally be all about reading your post.

Catharsis, or TMI?

Ok, so there is some family drama going on here. My oldest brother's wife keeps saying that she's leaving. She "can't handle" taking care of my mother. She says, "I'm doing this all alone. I need to move" blah blah blah. "Those girls asked me to take care of their mom, and they don't help me at all." Yak yak yak..

Well, let me say one damn thing. Where has she been for the past 3 1/2 years when it was fricking ME doing it all alone? When I saw my other brother and his wife FAR MORE than I saw my oldest brother and his wife. Oldest brother lives 6 blocks away and other brother lives 2 1/2 hours away. Mmmhmm. I guess the part that really irks my bubbles is that she's playing this huge martyr role like "boohoo, no one helps me." Guess what? I already played that game and I didn't moan and groan about it! And I'm STILL doing what I can to help, but I think I've earned a bit of a break. Sorry for valuing my mental health.

And I guess I'm also annoyed and angered that she is just so stupid to us about this. She called me the other day to ask me if I could come over and watch my mom. She called about 15 minutes before she wanted to leave. I couldn't get out of Sis' house, because I was helping her with Howard. (This was when she wasn't able to lift, yet). And I said, "Sorry, I can't come right now. If you want, I can make it in a few hours." And she said, "No." and then hung up on me. I called back to talk to my brother and she answered and was nasty to me. I've never treated her with anything but support and kindness, and I am just not appreciative at all that she's being so mean about it all. It's not our fault that her marriage is breaking up. We NEVER asked her to take care of our mother.

She's just so bitter and martyr-ish and it just drives me nuts. Ma's mental decline is tough for all of us, and she has NOT been doing all this stuff by herself. She's bitter, and I wasn't bitter, but now it's starting to creep in. So, hopefully, this isn't too much information, but I am just so angry.

I don't know if I should calm down some and calmly go talk to her, or if I should just let it slide since "she's leaving" in about two weeks. She's not a very rational person. Other brother's wife says she isn't "evolved" enough to have an adult conversation. Who knows? All I know is that the drama she brings is not appreciated or needed.

It's ALIVE!!

Ok, so I've been kinda flaky on the updating thing for a little while. My bad. I've been busy-blah blah blah. I'm really tired right now, but I went to a wedding this weekend and I'll tell you all about it, because I'm sure you're just dying to know! :) haha.

Oh, and it looks like I'll be skydiving "alone" (meaning w/o my pals) sometime very soon. I'm cool with it though. I'll just be able to pick up and go whenever I want.

Oh, and leading worship... I'll have to tell you of some possibilities. Exciting.

Sleep!!!

Nicknames

To satisfy my good friend's curiosity, this is a blog post about nicknames.

Because I'm cool with letting my vast audience know that my name is Trish, I think it would be fair to let you also know that I'm not down with putting out the names of my three precious nephews. Mainly it's just friends and other church-type folk who visit this page, but alas, this is the Internet. So, I make up nicknames for my little people.

Sis's firstborn son's nickname is Howard because when she was pregnant with him, I laughed because she had one boy name and one girl name picked out. I said, what if it's triplets? You'll give birth and only have the first two named, and you'll be too drugged up to think of a name for number three, so you'll just name him the first thing that comes to mind, which will probably be Howard or something. So, while none of us call him Howard anymore (it was pretty much an in-utero thing), I still call him Howard when I'm blogging. Howard has real nicknames that we call him in person.

Sis's second son is nicknamed many things; I'm just waiting to see if I like "Sunscreen" enough to keep it. I've been calling him Sunscreen because his initials are SPF. So, Sunscreen is one of the nicknames I've come up with. Other potentials include:

Mellow Yellow or Mel for short (He's a mellow kid. He'll wake up and just look around instead of cry).

Squeaker (When he does cry, it comes out in little squeaks)

Speedbump (Howard is rambunctious, so BiL's sister's boyfriend says all he'll really be for a while is a speedbump for Howard to make sweet jumps off of)(P.S. Bonus points if you can name that movie).

Red (He has a hint of red in his hair, and it comes out more when he's wearing red).

So, those are the potential nicknames for now. Maybe one will stick; maybe none will. We'll just have to see. Any thoughts?

Laughter is good for the soul

Yesterday, while I was holding Sunscreen, he laughed.

Only I got to witness it.

It made me laugh.

I am the one person who heard both Howard and Sunscreen's first laughs.

Being an aunt is great.

You should have seen the look on your face!

This morning I didn't go to worship at my normal place of worship. One of my CPE colleagues was being installed as a children and family minister at a church about an hour and a half away. Supa told me about it the other day when he called. I'm SO glad I went. My friend was being installed at both services, and so I went to the later one. I got there and stood around reading all the stuff hanging on the walls and stuff. A few people introduced themselves to me, and I felt welcomed. Someone asked me where I was from and if I was going to start going there for good when I said no because I live far far away. I also told her I was there to see my friend get installed. She then took me down to the fellowship hall where the church was having a "welcome to CPEFriend/happy birthday to the Christian Church" party (considering today was Pentecost Sunday). I went down there and found my friend, but she was talking to a bunch of other people, so I just waited about 4 feet to her side. She was talking to some people and wrapping things up with them when she looked my way. I thought she saw me, but she didn't. Then, another minute later, she looked my way again and her face totally lit up and she let out a very excited yell and gave me a big hug! It was totally worth making the drive just to see that reaction from her. We talked for a minute, and then I said I'd see her after a bit because I was going to go sit down for worship.

I went up to the sanctuary and got a bulletin and was reading through it when I looked up and saw Supa enter the sanctuary. He saw me and got a grin on his face and came over to sit by me. I talked to him for a minute, but he said he was going to go see if he could catch my CPE colleague before worship. He came back after a few minutes and we saw CPEMate come in, too. Worship started not long after that.

Since today was Pentecost Sunday, the pastors had a more interactive service set out. It was really cool because the church had these paper flames strung up by fishing wire above the pews. The kids came up during one of the readings and they made the sound of wind, and we all raised our bulletins and made the flames move by the air movement. Then, when the lesson started talking about how the people were speaking in tongues, different people within the congregation started speaking different languages. One person was even doing American Sign Language. It was totally awesome! They were all doing it at the same time and it was just a really neat way to emphasize the point. During the sermon, the pastor who was preaching asked us to think of something that we feel passionate about in our life, but not personal things like gardening for ourselves or something. Then she said, "Now, turn to someone near you and tell them." Supa and I turned to each other and I said, "I like to make people feel important/valued/loved for the "uninmportant" things, and through doing the simple things. Kind of like the song, "Little is much" when they say, "He changes the world with the seeds we sow." Supa also told me his, which did not surprise me at all. He's a very wonderful person and his passion is evident in the way he lives out his ministry. I really liked the service and everything. And seeing my friend being installed there filled my heart because the church is VERY fortunate to get her, and I know that she will feel blessed by being able to do ministry there. I pray all God's deepest blessings on her. She's great.

After worship, I saw a seminary friend there. It turns out that one of the pastors is her dad! Ha. Small world. I could only talk to my seminary friend for a minute though, because my friend was showing us her office, which is totally sweet. I just can't get over how happy I am for her. YAY!

And here I am, at the end of the day, just totally glad and filled with love and fondness for people who I've only known a short time. And I realize that in my friend's surprise at seeing me there, that I got to do a bit of my passion. She was surprised I made it to the installation because the church she serves is so far away from home for me. But, I wanted to go and show my love and support for her. Just to see her face and receive her warm hug when she turned and finally actually saw me was more than enough reward. I hope she realizes that I'm truly grateful for the person she is, and that I have every confidence in her abilities as a called child of God.

Plans!!

So, Supa called me today to ask me a few questions while he was filling out his review of me for the seminary. We had a short talk, and I found out that one of my CPE mates is going to be installed Sunday at her position as a child and family minister. I think I'm going to make the drive and go. I really like this person, and I think it's great that she's found a place that suits her, and where she can use her gifts. I'm excited!

I'm also thoroughly enjoying my new nephew. He's so darn cute. Howard looks a lot like his daddy, but Sunscreen looks a lot like us. I noticed the first time I ever saw him that he looks a lot like my dad looked, and how my Aunt Joyce looked. It's cute. He's such a pudgy baby! :) Howard crawled over to the cradle today and stood up and was talking to Sunscreen. He wasn't saying real words, because he only knows a couple, but he was doing his little jibber-jabber thing. It was so adorable. I hope that those two become really close brothers. I would love that; probably because my sisters and I are all so close.

Anyway, I'm helping Sis take care of Howard and Sunscreen because she had a C-section and isn't able to lift anything heavier than the baby, and because she's still sore. So, I'm being dutiful Aunt T. I am so blessed!

Yay!

I'm an aunt again! Speedbump was born at 10:14 this morning, weighing in at a hefty 8 pounds, 14 ounces. He measures 19 inches tall, and he has some strawberry blondish hair. I got to hold him a bunch today, and as per usual, I got all teary eyed over him. I've mentioned many times before that I'm not an emotional type person, but babies do it for me. He's so cute! I was holding him and looking at him while his daddy slept on the chair, and his mama tried to take a nap. After about half an hour, Sis said, "You have the same smile on your face now that you had on the last time I peeked at you." I just can't help it. I love the kid. I love all three of my nephews. They're special children. I said many thanks to God for the wonderful gift of life that is shown when babies are born, and I gave many thanks for allowing me to be a small part of that wonder. Again, I say, "Thanks be to GOD!!!"

Church Message 20

Today, I got to lead worship. I preached my 20th message. I think it was received well. I got compliments on it. I went a little too fast today, though. Anyway, other than that, I'm just waiting for time to pass. Sis and BiL are going to the hospital tomorrow so Sis can be induced. I will have a new nephew either tomorrow or the next day. I'm pretty excited.

Oh, this morning, Sis, BiL, Howard, YS and Ma were in church. Howard was laughing when I got up and started the service this morning. It was cute. Then, when everyone was filing past me and shaking hands, my family came out and BiL was holding Howard. BiL shook my hand and he said to Howard, "Do you have a kiss for Aunt T?" And he leaned over and gave me a big kiss. You know, not a real smooch, because babies don't kiss like that. But, it was what he does as a kiss. And then, after I was done shaking hands, I got all my stuff gathered to go to the other church. Before I left, I said goodbye to my family and Howard leaned over and grabbed onto me and gave me a huge hug. He's such a cute kid. I love him so darn much I could puke. :) Well, that's enough gushing for now. I hope you all enjoy the rest of your weekends, and have a marvelous week.

Neurology.

Well... Today, I took Ma to her neurology appointment. It turns out that they don't think she has Alzheimer's. The doctor called it a degenerative brain process, or dementia without further differentiation. She's got hardening of the arteries in her brain, which is closing off blood vessels, thus acting somewhat like strokes. Pretty much, there still isn't much they can do for her. The diagnosis could change. I like her "new" neurologist a lot better than the old one. One time with the old one, I was asking questions and the doctor got up and practically ran down the hall to get away from me. She basically dismissed us. Today, the doctor sat with us, answered me, and even gave personal examples from his own family. It was heartening.

In other news, I'm going to a state park here in Illinois so one of my friends and I can go hiking! I'm excited. I LOVE hiking at the park where we go! It's kind of like tradition for us. We've walked almost every trail at the bigger state park because that's where we go. It's so much fun. We're going on Friday. Yeehaw. And, I'm totally wanting to go skydiving! I can't wait. I dug out my log book that I need to take with me next time I go up there so I can redeem my 2nd jump that I bought last year. I'm SO excited!

And, finally, I got my car fixed to the tune of way more money than I'd hoped to spend. Yikes. But, it's nice to know that when I go to start the car, it will start, and the wheel no longer vibrates when I'm applying the brakes. So, yay for a fully functional car. I just need this sucker to last me for four more years at the very least!!! :) Anyway, that's about it for now. Have a nice day, and hopefully you all find your comfort and rest.

Remind me to blog about how nature makes me feel.

No cohesiveness to this post.

Hello. This post is just going to be things that I've been doing, and things about which I've been thinking. There will be no cohesiveness between the items.

I'm done with my first semester at Seminary. I have no idea what kind of grade I got in history. Hopefully an A or B. I was talking with my advisor earlier this month and she suggested I do "Credit/No Credit" for my classes because there is less pressure that way. I'm usually driven by the grade thing, but I think C/NC could be a nice change, if only for one semester. We'll just have to see how I like it when I use that option next semester.

I'm keeping my room over the summer, but I came "home." And by "home," I mean Sis and BiL's house because I don't want to stay at my own home. Sis is going in to have baby #2 on Monday. I'm very excited. I love babies. I'd sincerely appreciate your prayers to keep her and the little one safe.

Mom isn't doing any better, really. She keeps asking us where Dad is. Dad's been dead for almost 12 years, and I hate to tell her each time about where he is. The look that briefly crosses her face is awful. Dementia sucks.

I've been jonesing to go skydiving again. I have until August 14th, but I plan to go before then because Summer Greek starts July 23. I also want to go before July, because I'll be babysitting Sis's rugrats that month. One of my friends told me she'd go with me, but she got a job, so I'm hoping she's still down with it. I hope to have my next jump videotaped, and if I do, I might try to put it on YouTube. It depends.

Sis and BiL got a new computer (thank the Lord; the old one was awful) and so I've been helping them put things like Adobe and MSN messenger on this one. I really miss my cable Internet connection that I have at Seminary. Dial up is the pits!

My car keeps having problems with it. I had to have the outside passenger tie rod replaced a few weeks ago, the solenoid went bad about a week after the tie rod, and there is something wrong with the brakes. The mechanic (a trustworthy, less expensive guy) replaced the tie rod. BiL whacked the solenoid really good and made it start working again (although that is a short-term fix), and the mechanic is now in possession of my vehicle in order to fix its maladies. I'm bummed.

Life Cereal with Chocolate Oat Clusters is very good.

I'm leading worship at my church and I'm preaching at Pastor's "other" church this Sunday. He's going on a continuing ed trip. I'm excited.

Anyway, that is my life in short paragraphs right now. You all have a nice day, and enjoy the weather.

A *simple* request.

I was wondering if all my fabulous, wonderful, and supportive friends could come live with me in my dorm room? I'd like that a lot! :)

Anyway, my previous post was me being angry with myself because a neighbor/older friend died before I had the chance to go see her. I have realized that I all too often take people for granted. I didn't say hi to Dick the last time I saw him because I thought I'd get to see him again, I didn't make the special trip to see Karen because I thought there would be more time, and so forth and so on. I really need to realize that, as Chris Rice puts it, "I have no guarantee of my next heartbeat." So, as I learn to not put off tomorrow what I can do today, I also challenge you all to say something important to someone you may feel like you've taken for granted lately.

Jacki-thank you for your seemingly endless Internet hugs when I need them! You're the bomb, girlfriend. And I'll say that to yer face, Randy!

!@#$

I really flipping need to stop taking things for fricking granted.

I wasn't expecting to feel like this.

I miss my CPE group a lot more than I thought I was going to. I knew I was going to miss them some because we all became pretty close during our time together. But I really miss them a lot, and we've only been done with CPE for less than a week.

They all mean so much to me. They were good listeners, they cared a lot and asked how I was doing, they opened up to me, they didn't dismiss my ideas or thoughts for any reason, and they never treated me like I was stupid, dispensable, or immature. Sure, they have their faults, but don't we all? They're just a great group of people. Also, my gifts were appreciated within that circle, and that meant a lot to me. I think that I value my time so much with them because we were so incredibly honest from the get-go, and that's not something I'm really used to. Usually, it takes me a while to open up to new people, but they provided me a safe place to talk. While I wasn't as verbose as some of the other ones in my group, I still feel like I got enough talk time in when I needed it. I'm very grateful for the time I did get to spend with them. I just wish CPE wasn't over. :(

All good things must come to an end, but I sincerely hope that we keep in touch over the years. I also hope that when "my" class comes to Seminary for summer Greek, that I'm able to bond with them well. I need some friends. The people I've met here so far have been nice, but they already have their "groups" formed, or so it seems, sometimes. And before this comes into a boohoo pity party, I'm going to go. Bye.

A few more things about CPE

Now that I've gotten the majority of my sorting done, I was looking through my notes and found a few things I'd like to share. These are some of the things I've learned.

1. When I run from pain, I become irrelevant-in regards to the pain of people in the congregation.

2. "Oh the agony of heart until someone finds us out." This is a quote from one of Robert Frost's poems. Supa is fond of quoting Frost, and I really liked this line. It is something to think about.

3. It's okay to have anger. But we might want to make it anger with love and forgiveness (ALF).

4. Change=Grief. All things come to an end in some way or another. Grief is cumulative because new grief taps into old grief.

5. It is okay to be wrong and vulnerable.

6. You are loved, and They are loved.

7. God likes a tree for its tree-ness. God likes me for my me-ness! Go Cursive!
-Supa shared this with me one day during group via a note scribbled on yellow notebook paper. I said near the beginning that I didn't want to be block print, I wanted to be cursive! (In regards to making the ministry I offer be specked with pieces of me).

This is not ALL of what I learned, but a few bulleted "biggies." I got a lot from them. I hope you are able to think about them as well.

Cleaning, cleaning, and more cleaning.

My room is a little more cluttered than I would like it to be, and thus, I am organizing and cleaning it. The largest source of my angst regarding the state of my room are the large stacks of paper that have to deal with CPE stuff. Because CPE is over, I have decided to file all my CPE stuff. As I have sorted the papers, I came across the notes from one of the didactics (lectures, really, that pertain to a specific topic) and have decided to share a brief outline of what that didactic mentioned.

The Five Things We Cannot Change:
1. Everything changes and ends.
2. Things do not always go according to plan.
3. Life is not always fair.
4. Pain is a part of life.
5. People are not loving and loyal all the time.

The "Yes" Responses when confronted with these things:
1. Grieve and let go.
2. Acceptance.
3. We win, we lose, we work for justice.
4. Allow pain that is natural.
5. Speak up and say, "ouch."

I really got a lot out of that didactic, and although this post doesn't even prepare to do it justice, I thought it might trigger some extra thought. Plus, I want to remember these for a while. See ya.

Sunflower Seeds!

I don't know if I've mentioned it before or not, but I have a deep and abiding love for sunflower seeds. That's all I really wanted to say. Later.


Ok, just kidding. Well, today, I'm on campus for my first Friday of the semester. Since CPE is over, I have more time here. So, instead of doing anything productive, I'm listening to songs you can wear pants to, on this, "No pants day." Yup. And I'm procrastinating with the writing of an annotated bibliography and a sermon. I will get it done soon and very soon. Why? Because DINOSAURS ARE SWEET!

It really IS the Mothership!

Yesterday, my CPE group and I had our offical "final" day. We had exit interviews conducted by some of the people on the committee for CPE for my hospital. Then, my group led closing worship in the chapel. All the staff chaplains came, as well as the mother of one of my CPE mates, and the husband of another. It was really nice. Then, we went for lunch at Biaggi's, courtesy of the Spiritual Care department. It was cool. I'd never been to Biaggi's before because BiL says, "I'm not payin' 10 bucks for a plate of spaghetti!" Haha. It was good, but the Italian restaurants in the next town over from my own are just as good, in my opinion. Anyway, the day was really great, although I'm sad that this experience is coming to an end. I say coming to an end because I'm on call tonight because I'm covering for one of my CPE mates who couldn't be here tonight. This is the absolute last day for this unit of CPE. I'm really going to miss everyone. But, I digress.

The day was good, except for the fact that I had a MONSTROUS headache for almost the whole entire day. When I got back to the seminary, I put a cold washcloth over my eyes and my forehead, and I laid down in my bed. I accidentally fell asleep (at 4:30) in the afternoon. I woke up at about 10:00 and figured I had better put my PJs on so I could be more comfortable and less hot. So, I put my jammies on and put the cold washcloth back on my head/eyes. My pajamas during the warm months are my Spongebob shorts and a tshirt. Not 10 minutes later, this ear-piercing sound started going off. I thought, "Is that the fire alarm?" So, I realized I couldn't go outside as I was with my Spongebob short-shorts, so I grabbed some jeans from the dirty pile in the laundry basket under my bed and pulled them on. I also put a jacket on and grabbed my keys and walked out my door. I followed some of my neighbors outside and we stood on the sidewalk. I thought it was a drill, but they said it was not a drill. The R.A. was walking around and my friend, "Michelle," whom I talked about before was walking around, I think making sure everyone was out. I could see her when I was looking up into the windows.

As I looked into the windows, I saw that there was a flashing light going around. It was travelling very fast and it was going throughout the halls and stuff. I thought those lights made the seminary look like a spaceship! I laughed because people call the seminary, "The Mothership." Ha. It really did look like the stereotypical spaceship though, what with all the lights flashing and all. So, the firetrucks came and they checked the place out and turned the alarm off when they found out what happened. One of my neighbors accidentally started burning some stuff in his microwave, causing it to smoke. I hope the guy doesn't feel too embarrassed. I actually had fun out there. I laughed especially hard when someone went in to loan a fan to the man in order to air his room out. When she came back out, she fake coughed this horrid "Hech, hech" type sound. It cracked me up.

Anyway, so after the firemen got everything under control, we all went back inside and I went back to bed until about 8:00 this morning. Man, was I tired! I'm such a lazy bum. But now, I'm sitting here at the CPE house, wondering if I'm going to get any more calls tonight. Who knows? As one of the staff chaplains at the other campus says, "May your night be what it needs to be." Later.

I'm such a time-waster.

If time were a tangible commodity, I would be on every watchdog group list in the nation... NO! THE WORLD! Thanks to a seminary friend's website, I have just spent about the last 3 hours listening to songs that a guy makes up for people. His website is here. This also made me remember another fun song that is available for download. Now, all this time wasting has made me hungry. Time to go downstairs now. Have a good day.

Accident Free for 3 days.

Well, my side finally quit hurting! It's been 3 days, I think. I'm excited. I'm not going to die after all! WEEE! Anyway, I'm here at the CPE house. I'm on call tonight, as I have been 99.9 percent of Thursday nights for the last 3 1/2 months. This is my last Thursday on-call. I am covering the absolute last on call night for this unit next Wednesday. One of my CPE mates asked if I could cover for her, and I said I would gladly oblige. I'm going to miss this place, this experience, and most of all, the people. We've really bonded, I think. We're available to each other, honest, and encouraging. I'm going to miss it.

I hope that when the next class comes in for summer Greek, that I will be able to bond with some of them considering that they will be my actual class, I think. I have met some absolutely wonderful people at the castle, but they're all ahead of me. I won't be that far ahead of those coming in this summer. So, I hope...

And with that, I need to go downstairs and have some wonderful granola goodness. Have a blessed evening.

Still Waiting...

to start puking, that is. My side still hurts, in an off and on manner. Thought I was going to start tossing my cookies last night, but I didn't. It's weird though, my symptoms aren't exactly like classic appendicitis symptoms, so I don't want to go to the E.R. and have them tell me it's gas or something. But it's been one full week of off again, on again side pain. I was at the hospital where I do my CPE on Saturday night because I volunteered to be the person who did 3 on call Saturdays instead of 2, (or 2 1/2) and I was in the trauma bay with someone when it started hurting so bad I had to step out and sit down for a while. The patient was unconscious, and the family wasn't there yet, and the doctors were doing a procedure on the person, but I still hated to leave her. But, the pain became tolerable, and I was able to get back into action. So, I'm unsure about what to do. I'm sure you all are sick of hearing about my inaction on this matter, but hey... It's my blog and I'll blather if I want to. Ok.

In other news, Saturday was a busy day: 2 MI alerts, (heart patients) two traumas, and one SICU patient/family. They were all incredibly different from each other. I was glad that I was hanging out at the hospital instead of the CPE house because I only got paged once through the pager. Since I was in the hospital, I heard the codes overhead and was able to respond. The people were grateful (or so they said). This coming Friday is my last day on the actual floor, although I'm covering the on call night for one of my CPE mates next Wednesday because her mom is here from South America, and is flying back home that day. I can't believe it's coming to an end. Wow.

And that is that. Mom has been out of the hospital and out of the nursing home for a while now. My oldest brother and his wife have decided to take care of her at home in order to stave off nursing home care for as long as possible. Ma gets really depressed when she's kept from home for an extended period of time, although sometimes when she is home, she doesn't realize it... Who knows. I'm tired. See ya.

Six weird things about me...

Hmm, just for fun, I thought I'd consider myself tagged by RuthRe. I don't know if these are truly weird things, but whatever...

1. I wore the same hooded, black, zip-up sweatshirt almost EVERY SINGLE DAY of my undergraduate career. It was my security blanket, really. I still have it and wear it quite frequently, although not everyday. BTW, I DID wash it regularly.

2. I find immense joy in learning new words, and really, in the English language, on the whole. I regularly throw out new words while I am engaged in persiflage, and find it quite amusing. (Although, I try to do it in situations where the humor will be seen by those with whom I am conversing, so they don't feel dumb. I mean really... I don't think many people are dumb at all. I just like using big words.) One of my favorite sentences in the whole world is: Never use a big word when a diminutive one will suffice. The other favorite sentence? The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. Why, you may ask? Because it contains every letter in the Engligh alphabet.

3. I was about a foot shorter than the "regular" kids in my class in grade/middle school. I was the short kid who got made fun of by the older kids, and was defended fiercely by most of the kids in my own class. Now, I'm the happiest person you'll ever meet to be perfectly average. Modern medicine is wonderful.

4. I was semi-famous for a couple of years because I was the "Now You Know Girl" in my high school media class. Those of us who took media had to put on a newscast to be broadcast on Fridays throughout the school. Weird facts were my thing back then. So, I bought these prop nerd glasses and came up with humorous places to stand while my camerawoman would tape me. She'd turn on the camera and I'd say, "This week's bizarre fact: Did You Know that.... Blah blah blah... NOW YOU KNOW!" And while saying "Now you know," I would contort my face. People were coming up to me on the streets and at Restaurant for YEARS after I graduated. They would say, "Aren't you the 'Now You Know Girl?" And I would say, "Yes, yes I am." And they would ask me to do one for them. Hehe. I miss those days...

5. My oldest brother is twenty-two years older than I am, and I didn't meet him until I was five. I still remember the day because he brought his fiancee home and they brought donuts. If they'd not brought donuts... I probably wouldn't remember the day.

6. I won my school's spelling bee three times, and thus went forth to the county spelling bee. I always got out fairly soon, but it was because I was nervous. One time I was a little bit mad though, because this guy started over and changed his spelling (which you are NOT allowed to do), and he spelled it right the second time. But, when it was my turn, I did the exact same thing and got dinged out. But, hey.. What can ya do? It's not like I'm going to turn into Steve Buschemi's character on Billy Madison or anything. :) Hehe. So, these things aren't THAT weird, but I don't care. See ya.

WebMd is not to be substituted for medical advice.

Alright, so here I sit, unsure as to whether or not I have appendicitis. My lower right tummy has been hurting for two days, and I'm starting to feel a little bit pukey. However, my sinuses are also draining, and that could be contributing to this nausea. That, and I didn't eat a good dinner because I'm too tired to go downstairs and cook something. The pain is less severe today than it was yesterday, leading me to think it's not appendicitis. I was talking to one of the staff chaplains at the hospital today about appendicitis and he was telling me how it felt when he had it. I'm not quite feeling like that, so I think I'm okay. Heck, this pain/nausea could be stress related or due to the fact that I've spent 10 hours in the car in the last 2 days. Who knows? If I start feeling worse, I'll be making a trip to my friendly neighborhood hospital, despite the fact I have no insurance. So, here's hoping (and fervently praying) that it's not appendicitis.

I'm feeling very sad.

I just received news that the man my mom used to date died this evening. They went out for a couple of years, and I really came to love this guy. I posted a good long while back, asking if people ever see other people as parental type figures. Dick was the first and only guy my mom saw after my dad died, and I came to see Dick as a fatherly figure. He was a lot like my own dad, and he was just special to me. I was sad when he and my mom stopped going out, but that didn't make me lose any respect for him. He was still very vibrant, and I think he could see Mom sliding downhill. I'm sure it was hard for him to see her start sliding, and it would have been unfair of us to expect him to stay with her as she continued her cognitive decline. I tried to speak to him every time I saw him, just to reinforce that I still cared for him. I saw him in his car on Sunday, and now I only wish I would have stopped him and said, "Hi." I really loved Dick. I can't believe how sad I am about this.

I guess I'm not that damaged, after all. Because I sobbed when I heard.

Thanks be to God for Dick's life, and for all he was to those around him. He'll be missed.

To and Fro

Well, I came back to Seminary last night after a weekend of being home, yet again. I have been home every weekend for about a month now. To tell you the truth, I'd rather stay here. Granted, I love being at my home church, and being with my family, and being able to see my nephews, and sleep in my own bed, but the back and forth is not helping me settle in. But, I feel like I need to be home because of Ma's surgery and subsequent illness. And now, I'm going home again after CPE tomorrow night because it's Holy Week and things close down up here and all that jazz. And then, April 18 is Howard's 1st birthday. I want to be there to celebrate that with the family, too. But then, I hope to stay here until the semester ends, which is May 11th. I'm leading worship and preaching on the 20th of May, so I'm looking forward to that. I helped lead worship yesterday, which was fun. As I was shaking hands with people as they left, our congregations oldest active member shook my hand and said, "You did a nice job. Oh, but what's that on your sleeve? Ha-April Fool's!" I giggled a little then, but it's crackin' me up now. I don't know... Maybe you had to be there.

Anyway, Ma is still in the hospital. They're trying to find out from where she is bleeding. She received two bags of blood on either Friday or Saturday. She's not sleeping well because when she's out of her element she doesn't. So, she's getting more and more confused again. She had been getting better while she was at the nursing home, but with all that's happening with being hospitalized, having more anesthesia for some minor procedures, and not sleeping, she's sliding back downhill. So, hopefully she'll be able to get out of the hospital soon so she can start getting with it again. Anyway, I hope you all are doing well, and that you're enjoying the promise of spring out there. I can hear the birds chirping right outside my windows. When I look out the window, I'm always surprised to see how green the grass is. Spring is a good time of year.

Oh, and after today, I probably won't be back online until next Tuesday. Sis and Bil's computer desk was moved and it's not by a phone line, and my computer will stay here. So, if you come lookin' for posts, don't think I've fallen off the face of the Earth. Hopefully BiL will use his mad skills and hook up a phone line so they can get the Internet in the dining room where there computer now is... Who knows?

Have a blessed Easter, and don't eat too much chocolate-Send it to me, instead!

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head...

Ok, I'm at the CPE house tonight because I'm on call. Nothing has happened at the two hospitals yet. However, YS called me this afternoon. Ma had to be taken to the Emergency Room. She was feeling weak and tired, had some low blood pressure, hematuria, and black, tarry stools (Just what you wanted to know). I include her list of symptoms because they sounded to me like a bleed somewhere...

Anyway, I called Oldest Brother's Wife because she works at the home where Ma has been staying. OBW took Ma to the hospital. So, I talked to her and she said Ma has pancreatitis and a bleed somewhere. So, they're admitting her to investigate what is going on. I would sincerely appreciate your prayers for peace, comfort, and strength for her and my family as we have yet another roadblock to Ma's health.

Oh yeah, one last thing... Supa isn't a heartless jerk. He totally offered to cover for me so I could go home, but I decided to stay here because from what I've gathered, nothing is really acute right now, and I planned on going home tomorrow after work anyway. Plus, I called Pastor and he told me he'd go right down to be with the fam. I really appreciate that, and it helps me further realize that the ministry of presence is a totally awesome thing.

Observations and Supervision (A long and rambling post of reflections)

I'm not sure if I've mentioned before that I have CPE supervision on Tuesdays. It's a time for me and Supa to talk about things that are going on within CPE and in my life. For the most part, supervision has been pretty good, but I've not really "opened up," as it were... To a certain degree, that changed this past Tuesday. Last Thursday, I was on call at night (as usual) and I got a call early Friday morning for a situation involving a young man who is just a year or so younger than I am. It was a difficult call, and after I finished with it, I sauntered into the Spiritual Care office at the hospital where I was. My home base is "East," but when we're on call, we cover both "East" and "West." This happened at "West." One of the staff chaplains saw me there again (I'd had a REALLY busy Thursday/Friday on call the week before) and she invited me in to her office to "debrief." During the course of our conversation, she told me that I should make sure to allow myself time and space to break down. I replied to her that I wish I could break down, but I'm not a breakdown person. She said, "You can learn." And so, that has been on my mind lately.

I have a difficult time showing "negative" emotions like sadness, anger, and fear. Even when I'm alone, I find it difficult (if not impossible) to react outwardly to these things. When I'm sad, I think I have a tendency to turn inward instead of crying or sobbing or something. The day I moved out here to "the Mothership," I was fine until my family said it was time for them to go. But, when they started hugging me goodbye, tears actually started coming out of my eyes, but I was so sad and afraid of being alone that tears were not cutting it. It was weird though, because I felt the need to actually sob, but instead, it came out as laughing. It was very bizarre, and it makes me think I broke my "cryer." I don't know.

Thinking about sadness, also makes me think about the last time I cried in public, which was in late November of 1999. And since then, people I love have died and other sad things have happened, but I don't cry in public. But, there is nothing wrong with crying. I don't get uncomfortable when other people cry around me. I actually wish I could cry sometimes, but something in me keeps me from it.

Sadness is not the only "negative" emotion I don't show. Anger is one I also have difficulty showing. I was angry (I don't know at what) when Ma had to go into the nursing home. But as I sat with that anger, instead of expressing it outwardly in any sort of action, I just sat there and rationalized myself away from doing anything. Lots of hot words and frustration were running through my mind, but I just sat on my bed and said, "Doing x activity will do nothing to better the situation, so just sit here and calm down."

Supa asked me during supervision to reflect upon what happens inside me when I experience sadness and anger and don't let them out. I said that I feel really tense, and I clench my jaw, and doing those things keeps me from crying. He told me that he has noticed that I seem tense, while at the same time, playful. He had never commented to me before that he saw me as tense. I think that my saying it gave him a sort of "permission" to tell me what he'd observed. Supa's a really probing questioner, but he himself says he is "too nice." I don't think of observations as mean though. Maybe I'll have to let him know that... He also asked me why I don't show emotion. I told him I'm not really sure, but that it might be a control issue. As I continue to reflect on this, I think even more that it IS a control issue. Things have happened in my life that I have tried to control/affect, but they came out quite different from what I tried to do. I think that my refusal to show outward emotion, even as almost everyone else around me does, is my way of being different, and exerting control over how others see me. In a world where I have little to no control, (they say control is an illusion, after all) I CAN outwardly act in a way that I can control.

The problem now, though, is that I can seem uncaring and callous in the face of sadness and despair. I care-I really, REALLY do, but it may not seem like it to observers. It's kind of odd because one member of my group wants to stop being "so" emotional, and I want to start being emotional... During our mid-term group evaluations, we had to write "sandwich" comments to our group. I tried to do it without coming off as a mean person, (some people didn't put any critique in there, so I still felt kinda mean) and for this person, I said, "Don't lose all of your emotionality. It's an asset." or something along those lines... So, I hope that person recognizes that emotions are important. Anyway, this has been a really long post, and I'm not so sure I got anywhere with it... Hopefully this reflection will spur further reflection.

As a final thought, I was talking to a seminary friend who was telling me about her CPE experience and how when these emotions come to us we need to be able to "name it and claim it." So, my assignment for myself is to be more cognizant of what my "sadness" or my "anger" is, and claim them for myself in order to hopefully be a more rounded person. Any thoughts?

Some much-needed lightheartedness

1. Who was your first prom date?
When I was a sophomore, my friend Mike, who was a senior, asked me to go with him as friends. I said no at first because I worked on Saturday nights, but prom sounded like a lot of fun. Oh yeah, and he asked me THE WEEK before prom, so Sis, Ma, and I did some major power shopping. I had a blast though. Mike went with me to both of my proms, too. Going with friends is the way to go! I cut a rug like no other!

2. Who was your first roommate?
Other than my sisters, I've never had a real long-term roommate. I had a roommate for about 2 nights back in 2004 when I went to a "Discerning Your Call" weekend for Seminary. Other than that, I've been solo.

3. What alcoholic beverage did you first drink?
We used to get sips of alcohol when we were younger. I think my parents thought that if they allowed us to drink, we wouldn't go out and party. For me, that was largely true. My first drink as a legal adult was a shot of Jamaican Rum Creme, which is quite different from real rum. Sis and BiL brought it back from their honeymoon that they ended a day early in order to take me out for my 21st birthday.

4. What was your first job?
Licking envelopes for my mom's boss... Just kidding. sortof... My first real job was at Restaurant. I worked there for 9 1/2 years before leaving at the end of November.

5. What was your first car?
The first car I drove regularly was a 1991 baby blue Oldsmobile Cutlass Calais that I called "The Blue Bomber." It had two doors and broke down A LOT! The first car I ever bought was a 1990 Ford Escort hatchback. I lovingly referred to it as "The Little Red Ghetto Cruiser" because it was different colors of red, had no air conditioning, or power locks, power seats, power windows, or power steering. It was just a little pile of metal that got me from point A to point B for about 2 1/2 years. I loved that car, and to this day, prefer a hatchback over a trunk, hands down.

6. When did you go to your first funeral?
The first funeral I ever attended was in 1995 and was for my dad. I was twelve.

7. Who was your first grade teacher?
Mrs. Longman-the young one. She was so awesome. One day we had to draw our favorite thing about school on a paper bag that would be used in the local grocery store, and I drew her. She came up to my desk and asked what I was drawing, and I said, "You." She hugged me right then and there and I fell out of my desk. It's funny because after I got out of grade school, I didn't see her again until I was a junior or senior in high school. I completely changed from the extremely small child I was, and when I ran past her and said, "HI, Mrs. Longman!" she gave me this very puzzled look. But, I still have very fond memories of her.

8. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane?
Hehe. I got in the plane, we ascended to 10,000 feet above some of the cornfields of Illinois, and I jumped out. One of these days, I'm going to land in a plane, too.

9. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with? My younger sister (YS).

10. Where was your first sleepover?
Oy. My first sleepover was at my neighbor's house. Her name was Kim and we were the same age. I was a bed-wetter, though, and probably shouldn't have gone. Yes, very embarassing times...

11. Who is the first person you talk to in the morning?
Myself. Out loud, a lot. hehe. Or else, Barb the Spiritual Care secretary or someone at chapel. Depends what day it is.

12. Whose wedding were you in the first time?
My cousin Jason's. YS and I were the flower girls because we looked like twins (I told you I was really small). And we wore these peach shiny/smooth dresses and we didn't throw real flower petals. They used the same material our dresses were made from, and cut them into hearts and had us throw them. I ran out way before the aisle ended.

13. What is the first thing you do in the morning?
Take pills.

14. What was the first concert you ever went to?
Ty Herndon, when I was in Junior High. My "boyfriend" and his dad, brother, and I went. Ty thought I was a boy, and he mussed up my hair. I vowed to never wash my head after that. That man was very good-looking.

15. First tattoo or piercing?
Ears, that I have since let grow shut.

16. First celebrity crush?
McCauley Calkin, even though he's kinda scary looking now...

17. First crush?
Ricky B. I still have a love letter I wrote to him but was too chicken to deliver. What's funny is that Ma used to date Ricky's grandpa, (many years after the crush) and he found the letter and teased me a lot about it. It was all in good fun though. Rick's a good guy still, but not really my type.

18. First TRUE love?
Ugh... I doubt it was true love, but I had puppy love with a guy I have dated off and on for a few years. Please, someone... SMACK ME IF I EVER GET BACK TOGETHER WITH HIM!!! (I really won't next time, though.. The last time he dumped me, he was too cruel about it).

19. When was your first detention?
I never had detention. I only even ever had my name on the board once, and that was in 2nd grade, for talking to my best friend, Kiel while we were supposed to be working on math or something...

20. What is the first big trip you remember taking?
Canada! 17 hours in a car with my oldest brother and his girlfriend at the time. The rest of my family who went was in the other car. It was fun though.

Hey.

I'm alive. I haven't been near an Internet connection in about 4 days or so, so please forgive my lack of posting. I was on call Thursday and "worked" at the hospital for CPE on Friday. Then I went home for the weekend to spend some time with my family and visit Ma at her new digs in the nursing home. She seems to be getting better. I'm just hoping and praying that she gets better enough to come home. Before she had surgery, she was forgetful, but not to the point where she'd need round the clock care. She's been seeing a neurologist for a year or two now, but I never said the A-word before last week because that's just something I felt the need to not let out there. But, with all that was/is going on, I felt the need to just release that. So, I didn't just pull Alzheimer's out of my hat; it's been going on for a while. That's not quite the "official" diagnosis yet, but we suspect it will be when she goes back to the neurologist's office to get the results of her neuropsych testing.

I really appreciate all your kind words, thoughts, and prayers on the behalf of me and my family. As you can imagine, this is a difficult time. Especially now that life has been significantly altered. It's tough facing the slow, steady, and inevitable demise of a parent. It's about the polar opposite of what happened with Dad. Dad was seemingly fine one moment and dead the next. With Ma, it has been one medical problem after another, with each taking its toll. But, I'm not hopeless because I have the anchor of my faith, and that is Christ my Lord. So, thanks be to God for being the Steadfast Presence in my life.

I am really frustrated. I am really sad. I wish I had the capability of crying, but for some odd reason, I can't do it. I try to WILL myself to cry, hoping that it would make me able to feel like I'm releasing some of the emotions inside of me, but the tears won't come. And in fact, I don't really know for sure why I'm writing all this. Maybe it's because this IS a way for me to release my emotions. I don't know. I just know that my mother is 67 freaking years old, and she's going to live in a nursing home. And it really drives home #3 in the 5 things you can't change: Life isn't always fair.
Boo.

This SUCKS!!

My mother is going to live in a nursing home tomorrow. God forgive the string of expletives going through my head at this moment.

Pray for us.

What's this black box on my desk?

Oh yeah, it's a computer... It's been so long since I've seen my computer, I almost forgot what it was. Not really. I'm just being obnoxious.

Surgery on Wednesday went pretty well. It took almost exactly four hours. The doctor removed Ma's bladder and all the things that are involved when a person has a hysterectomy. He also took some lymph nodes from the surrounding area in order to see if the cancer got out into the rest of her system. Back in 2002 when she had breast cancer, a few of the lymph nodes had cancer in them, thus necessitating the need for systemic chemotherapy. Pastor was there pretty much the entire time with us, so that was a comfort. When the volunteer at the desk in the surgical waiting room area came over and told us the doctor was going to be up soon to speak with us, Pastor accompanied us to the conference room where the doctor likes to speak with the family.

When the doctor got to the conference room, Pastor, Oldest Brother (Yeah, he came), Other Brother, Sis, BiL, YS, and I were kind of crammed in there. The room was not very big. Pastor and the doctor stood at the door while the rest of us were in the room. I was standing in the far corner while the doctor told us what happened. After he was done with his schpiel, I asked a question. Everyone turned and looked at me like, "Where did she come up with that question?" But, the doctor answered me. Then, I launched into another question, which also met with a detailed response. I laugh now, because every time I asked a question, all my sibs, Pastor, and the doctor would turn to look at me. But basically, a lot was left up in the air because the answers depend on the pathology reports. I'm glad I had done a bunch of research about bladder cancer because I was able to ask the questions that my siblings weren't able to, but were glad I did.

Anyway, Ma had to stay in recovery for a while longer than expected because her blood pressure dropped due to the anesthesia. Nothing too serious; they just wanted to keep an eye on her. She's not been a very good patient because she's confused and really ready to leave. She ripped out her NG (Naso Gastric) tube, her epidural (for the pain) and an IV. I'm hoping that it's just the anesthesia still messing her up. She's had some cognitive decline in the past few years, but this is really a marked change.

After the surgery on Wednesday, I went home and went to bed so I could get up early and drive to CPE town on Thursday morning and do my thing. I was on call Thursday night as usual, and I was really busy. It was an exhausting and challenging night, that didn't really end until about 10:00 a.m. Friday morning. I cleaned up and went to my hospital (The hospital where I do my CPE has two campuses that are about 2 1/2 miles apart) where I relinquished the pager to one of the staff chaplains. The spiritual care manager (not supa) asked if I was going to leave early. I said no. Then the staff chaplain had a conversation with me and suggested I go. I went up to my floor for a quick minute and decided I really did need to leave because I was just exhausted. So, I went home again, in order to visit Ma and do some things the sibs and I planned to do this weekend.

So, this weekend was busy because we did a bunch of house cleaning/repair, visiting Ma, asking questions to the medical people, and processing what was happening to our mother. I came back to Seminary last night and had a tough time staying awake for the last hour or so of the drive. Next time I think I will stay home and then leave early in the morning. It was rough.

On a positive note, though, Howard remembers me. He has his top two front teeth and he's adorable. I did a trick for him where I put my head back and put a tissue on my face and blew it up in the air. He laughed hysterically. I did that for about 10 minutes and BiL and Sis taped it. He laughed hard every time I did it. Then, the next day, I folded a tissue into a diagonal and hung it on my glasses like it was a doctor's mask. He laughed at that, too. He's an awesome kid and I love him so darn much.

Ok, so that's what I did. Thank you all for the prayers, thoughts, and kind words. I appreciate you more than I probably make known. Later

I Got Friends.

Who are with me in the low places. I am so thankful for the friends (and complete strangers who are willing to pray for Mom/my family/me) I have who are there to support me and keep me grounded. And as I've been thinking about how "little" I'm able to do, I'm realizing that "Little is Much, when God's in it." God is God, and I am not.

"What is the measure of a life well lived?
If all I can offer seems too small to give
This is the song for the weaker the poorer and so called failures
Little is Much, when God's in it
And no one can fathom the plans He holds
Little is much when God's in it
He changes the world with the seeds we sow
Little is much little is much.

Who feels tired and under-qualified?
Who feels deserted and hung out to dry?
This is the song for the broken the beat up and so called losers
A little is much when God's in it
and no one can fathom the plans he holds.
Little is much when God's in it
He changes the world with the seeds we sow."
-These are some of the lyrics from "Little Is Much" by downhere.

5 more minutes!

This one is just too funny to not post.

Your Bumper Sticker Should Be

Buckle up - it makes it harder for aliens to suck you out of your car

What Bumper Sticker Should Be On Your Car?

Rubber Ball

What can I say? English has always been my thing (despite my never-ending colloquialism).

Your English Skills:

Grammar: 100% Punctuation: 100% Spelling: 100% Vocabulary: 60%

Does Your English Cut the Mustard?

Yet another cancer post.

Where is that Kubler-Ross lady when you need her? For those of you unfamiliar, (although, I'm fairly certain that you already know who she is) she is one of the people who classified "stages of grief."

Earlier in this unit of CPE, we had a "didactic" on grief. A didactic is a lecture, basically. In these didactics, we learn about things that can be, and very often are, helpful to us in our ministry with the people we encounter. Anyway, the giver of the grief didactic said that change=grief. Even good change causes us to grieve.

Basically, what I'm tap-dancing around is that I'm none-too-happy about what's going on with Ma. I know, I know, come to terms with it, already, but I'm finding it somewhat difficult. I know that God loves her, promises to be with her, even unto the end of the age, and cares for her more than the sparrows of the air. I know that God doesn't like to see her sick and frail and beset with cancer. And I know that God is with my family, her friends, and with me. But I'm just sad about it all. It's a change that will be happening and I'm grieving about it.

I'm sad for my poor mother. I just feel helpless, and that is not something I like to feel. Back in '95 when she had her heart attack, (it was a "minor" one) I could do stuff for her. I could suggest healthy foods. I could offer to go on walks with her. Then, when she got breast cancer in '02, I could look up what kind she had, prepare mentally for her treatment, tell her she looked cute as a baldie, learn about the chemotherapy she was receiving in order to field questions she couldn't answer, and get her 7-Up when she was nauseated. And even more recently when she was first diagnosed with bladder cancer, I learned all about what to expect, and what treatments were out there, and what the side effects would be. But with bladder removal, there's really nothing I can do. I can be with her the day of the surgery, and I plan on being home the weekend after she has it done, but there's nothing I can say or do that will change things or make her physical situation better. This sucks. I'm done writing.

Woops.

Hey, the other day I posted about a song by downhere that I'm really diggin'. I said it was called "Little Things," but it's really, "Little is Much." Sorry for the confusion.

Healing

This past week at church, we sang a hymn that I believe has made it into my "favorite hymns" repertoire. In the ELW, hymns are placed under headings such as the season of the Church year, healing, forgiveness, and so on. The hymn we sang that I really liked is under the heading of "healing." Looking at that song made me think about Ma's upcoming surgery, and so I looked in the front of the hymnal and found a service for healing. It begins on page 276 with an introduction that says,

"Our Lord Jesus healed many as a sign of the reign of God come near and sent the disciples to continue this work of healing--with prayer, the laying on of hands, and anointing. In the name of Christ, the great healer and reconciler of the world, we now entrust to God all who are in need of healing."

After the introduction is a place for intercessory prayers for all who suffer. Because of Jesus, we can come before God honestly and openly, knowing that God hears our prayers and our cries for help. This is most encouraging for me. Even if things don't turn out the way I'd like them, I can still trust in the unmistakable and unrelenting promises of Christ.

There are a few options for the next part of the Order of Service. The leader can discern which one would work best for a given situation. The point is that people can come forward and receive the laying on of hands where the minister then says one of two things. I'm partial to the second option. It reminds me of Confirmation in its wording and actions.

"Father in heaven, for Jesus' sake, send your Holy Spirit upon your servant, ______; drive away all sickness of body and spirit; make whole that which is broken; deliver her/him from the power of evil; and preserve her/him in true faith, to share in the power of Christ's resurrection and to serve you with all the saints now and evermore. Amen."

The service continues on, but I would instead like to leave you with the words to the hymn that started this post. ELW hymn 613-"Thy Holy Wings"

Thy holy wings, O Savior,
spread gently over me,
and let me rest securely
through good and ill in thee.
Oh, be my strength and portion,
my rock and hiding place,
and let my ev'ry moment
be lived within thy grace.

Oh, let me nestle near thee,
within thy downy breast
where I will find sweet comfort
and peace within thy nest.
Oh, close thy wings around me
and keep me safely there,
for I am but a newborn
and need thy tender care.

Oh, wash me in the waters
of Noah's cleansing flood.
Give me a willing spirit,
a heart both clean and good.
Oh, take into thy keeping
thy children great and small,
and while we sweetly slumber,
enfold us one and all.

Text: Carolina Sandell Berg
Music: Swedish Folk Tune; arr. hymnal version

That's an afternoon that's shot.

Today, I spent hours and hours putting labels on all my posts. Hopefully they're coherent to you, but if not... Oh well. :) I think I'm going to like having labels that will help me organize what I've said. Yeehaw. Have a good day.

Well...

After yesterday's two posts, I couldn't stop thinking about what was transpiring in regards to my brother. I was very disturbed and upset with him for being so seemingly selfish and self-absorbed. This has been just one of many times when he has made excuses to not make time with us individually or as a family. I find it to be very aggravating when he seems to not care about any of us. And each time something like this happens, I find myself being increasingly angry with him. This time was no exception.

Today, in class, we were learning about pre-Protestantism and how penance is a very important part of Catholic doctrine. Our teacher has a book that spoke of how during that time, (11th Century, I believe) priests read books and were practically trained to hear confessions and make sure people made complete confessions. And the book also talks about sins and the penance required to atone for that sin. One of the sins was being angry with your brother, and how if you refuse to be reconciled, you would be expected to do fasting and penance until that time when you were willing to reconcile with your brother. Even though the book was talking about people living in monastic communities, this really struck me.

After class ended, I came back to my room and decided to call my brother. He answered and I started the conversation without letting him know that I knew that he had said something along the lines that he was too busy to come to the hospital the day of Ma's surgery. We had a brief conversation, and I gave him the chance to talk without assuming things about him.

I'm learning more and more that my oldest brother is not like the rest of us who seem to really enjoy and thrive on family contact. He often responds to requests and invitations in a way that makes us think we are not important to him. But the interesting thing is that I think he usually changes his mind after he's been given some time to think. When I talked to him today, I think he had changed his mind about being with us at the hospital.

His change of heart and mind does not excuse his behavior, or my reactions to his behavior, but instead, this instance has been a way in which I have been able to have an insight about him and the way he acts. I just hope that as we continue on in life, we can get to understand each other better, see the others' points of view more clearly, and respect each other as more than fellow children of our mother, but as children of our Father. God grant me grace...

*sigh*

My last post lacked grace. But my mind and my heart are not feeling full of grace right now. Bear with me, please, and forgive my outburts of anger.

Warning: This post contains some ranting.

I talked to YS today. Mom isn't feeling well. I wonder if she's just getting really stressed about her impending surgery, or if the cancer within her is making her more ill, or if she's just coming down with something. The point is, she doesn't feel well, and with good reason. If I was facing surgery that would take organs that we take for granted out of my body, I would also not be feeling well.

So, here's the rant. My oldest brother (You remember, the one who didn't call, write, or stop by for my graduation open house) is an ass. That's right; I've taken to profanity when talking about one of my own family members. YS called OB(Oldest Brother) to tell him about Mom's surgery. He said, "I ALREADY HAVE TO TAKE A DAY OFF THAT WEEK to take Grandma to the oral surgeon!" From what I've gathered, he was being his usual, "ooh, look at me, I'm too busy" jerky self. Good to know that our mother can count on her first frickin' born to be with her on the day of her surgery. GGGGRRRRRRR. I'm so angry right now!!! PEOPLE FREAKING DIE DURING THIS TYPE OF SURGERY AND HE IS "TOO BUSY!!" The only word that is coming to my mind right now is: Damn It.

I couldn't wait.

So, for CPE, each of us had to do this Enneagram thing. The spiritual care manager (not Supa) was going to score each of our tests and discuss them with us this past Thursday. That didn't happen, but it will later. Because I'm a huge dork and LOVE those kinds of tests, I decided I wanted to see if the all-knowing Internet would classify me the same as my CPE Enneagram. So, here are the results of my Internet Enneagram word test:

Enneagram Test Results Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||||||| 58% Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||||||||| 62% Type 3 Image Focus |||||||||||| 42% Type 4 Hypersensitivity |||||||||||| 42% Type 5 Detachment |||||||||| 38% Type 6 Anxiety |||||||||||| 50% Type 7 Adventurousness |||||||||||||| 54% Type 8 Aggressiveness |||||| 30% Type 9 Calmness |||||||||||||||| 62%

Take Free Enneagram Word Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

And here is supposedly what this says about me:

type score type behavior motivation
2 15 I must be helpful and caring to be happy.
9 15 I must be peaceful and easy to get along with to be happy.
1 14 I must be perfect and good to be happy.
7 13 I must be high and entertained to be happy.
6 12 I must be secure and safe to be happy.
3 10 I must be impressive and attractive to be happy.
4 10 I must avoid painful feelings to be happy.
5 9 I must be knowledgable and independent to be happy.
8 7 I must be strong and in control to be happy.

This is somewhat different from my psychological profile which said that I have found ways to keep myself away from painful feelings. Therefore, I'm slightly puzzled at how low that scored on this test. I also really like to be knowledgable and independent (the psych profile also said I have "strong needs for emotional self-sufficiency and independence." Who knows... Now, I just have to wait a while to see how I scored on the "real" Enneagram test... I'll letcha know.

A bunch of random things, I guess.

Today at CPE during supervision, (a time shared individually with each student and the supervisor to talk about how things are going) Supa told me that I have an impishness about me; like a little mischieviousness just on the surface, ready to come out. It was said in a positive manner. I laughed.

My pal RuthRe posted about some news. Go over and check it out! WOOT!

I'm really digging this song, "Little Is Much" by downhere. If you have a MySpace page you can go to downhere's profile and listen. It's really got a good message.

With all the snow and stuff here in The Midwest, some fellow seminarians and I went and played in the snow the other day. It was incredibly fun, even though I got nailed in the side of the head with a snowball. Fortunately, my hood was up..

Along those lines-Apples to Apples is one of THE MOST FUN games EVER! ha. Thanks Erik.

My mom is supposed to have surgery on Wednesday, March 14th. She's having a radical cystectomy, which is a complete hysterectomy and bladder removal. They expect the surgery to last 4-6 hours if nothing goes wrong. I plan to miss my class that day and be with my family. She's supposed to be in the hospital for about a week, provided no complications arise. Cancer sucks.

Oh, the weather outside is frightful...

So, last night I was coming back to SeminaryTown from my day of working at the hospital for CPE. It was raining in CPETown, but the farther north I came, the more snow I started to see... By the time I got to SeminaryTown, I was slightly afraid because I couldn't really see due to the snow/rain on my windshield, the lights from all the cars, and the fact that there aren't little reflectors embedded in the road. But, I made it back here in one piece. The snow wasn't even really accumulating last night.

This morning I woke up and looked out my window. It was raining and snowing some. But, really, it didn't look that bad. I talked to my sister in law for a while, and even though I needed to go get something today, I thought that I would be fine with waiting because the weather looked like it was going to clear up.

Boy was I wrong!

After I finished talking with my sister-in-law, I got online and did some stuff. A few hours later, I looked outside and saw a whole bunch of snow everywhere! And the wind is blowing it all around, too. But, I needed to go get my stuff today, so I went to my car, spent about twenty minutes scraping the windows, and I took off. I drove very slowly, and made it. The roads aren't very good though. On my way back, I was almost to the seminary and my little car started slipping, I think. I was going really slow, and I didn't want to hammer down on my accelerator because that would make the RPMs go up and put the engine in peril... So, I just was patient and let 4x4 vehicles pass me like no other. I made it back, safe and sound. Yeehaw. But, it's still snowing, and we got an email from the "RA" who said that the power is expected to go off tonight. Maybe we'll have a party or something in the lounge! ha.. I doubt it, but who knows.... Stay warm out there.

Wading out of the Deep.

Ok, so my last post was kind of...hmmm...I don't really know how to describe it. The news I broke was sad, but I tried to offer hope... So, I don't know. But, I just thought that perhaps I should post a new something to help wade up from out of the deep waters. I don't want to do something completely carefree because to me that seems a little disrespectful, so here is the compromise. I'm analyzing myself and my last post. A little less downery-ish, and so this post can serve as a bridge to more lighthearted posts. Now I'm all thinking of that song, "Like a Bridge Over Troubled Water." Good song. I like it, anyway. But then again, I like Weird Al, too...

I digress. Forgive my wandering mind.

Today, CPE Supervisor (From here on out we shall come him "Supa") was sick. I was kinda bummed about that. He's a cool guy and being sick sucks, so... (BTW, I got special permission from the Bishop to say "sucks" so it's all good). (Actually, that's a lie. I just thought it was funny). But anyway, with Supa being gone, that makes two weeks where I've not had Supervision meetings. Last Tuesday they called and said "Don't come. The weather is too bad." So, I turned around and came back. Fortunately, I'd only been on the road for a few miles. Anyway, I've only really had one supervision meeting so far, and I like it, despite the wee bit of uncomfort I feel talking about what is going on in CPE, and my glaring ineptitude... :) Just messing. It's not glaring ineptitude; just moderate ineptitude...

Anyway, I suppose I just have a lot on my mind right now. That is why I like Supervision. Supa seems to have the art of pastoral care down pat, and talking with him doesn't "seem" like pastoral care, but I get the odd and eerie feeling afterwards that that is the point of supervision. I don't know... Maybe my fall this morning scrambled my last couple of brain cells.

Oh, I didn't tell you about "THE FALL?" Hmm. Long story short: Trish runs late, trish runs down dorm stairs, trish runs down to stairs outside to take her down to parking lot, trish starts running toward car, trish doesn't see ice, trish's legs fly out from under her in comedic fashion until she comes crunching down on her right side. Trish is very happy that she is no longer a cussing woman or the whole seminary community would have been awoken by an echoing, non-pastoral four letter word, and trish gets her wits about her after laying/sitting on the frozen ground for a moment until the pain lessens to a more manageable degree.

I'm always so cautious around ice and snow... The ONE freakin' time I'm not... I gotta go to bed.

Harsh Reality.

My younger sister called me today. She took Ma to worship this morning. I asked YS how it went. She told me it was fine, but that a lot of people died this week in my home area. One man had been fighting cancer for a good long while. We'd been praying for him. He was not an old man, but wasn't a young man, either. I still feel for his family and friends. We're social people, accustomed to physical interaction, or at least the possibility of physical interaction. When that ability is gone, we grieve. We grieve for the opportunities we've missed out on, as well as for the love that was shared. Cancer is a frightening and thieving thing. It tries to steal so much from so many people: Good health, joy, the ability to think, and a multitude of other things. I find it sad that so often people do lose so much to cancer. Near the end, so many people are in so much misery that they welcome death, and the nearness of God's promises in Christ Jesus. We miss our loved ones, but we can continue with hope, knowing and believing in the truth and love of our risen Savior.

The other three people who died this week were teenagers. Two were students of my old high school, and one went to a neighboring high school. It was a car accident that took their lives. From news accounts and what I've heard, four of them were in the car while the roads were still perilous from the recent snow the area had received. A drift on the pavement caused them to lose control, hit another vehicle, and end up in a ditch. I've not heard how the person(s) in the other vehicle faired. I just know that three of the four kids in the one car died and one is in critical condition. I write all of this with sorrow in my heart; for these kids and the lives they lost, for their parents and families who have to face the agony of losing flesh of their flesh, for the friends and peers who all too often do not realize the fragility of humanity-and when they do see it, they are not prepared to deal with it (as none of us really are), and for the community as a whole, who yet again are called to muster strength, compassion, and empathy for those who are hurting.

My community is not a stranger to losing teenagers because of car crashes. The whole wider area has lost approximately twenty teens in the past three years. Even numbers of my own friends have died because of car accidents; one even, was a very good friend. And it saddens me to think that all these kids are having to face the loss of not one, but two classmates, and another friend of theirs, all at the same time. That pain is just so difficult. My prayers and thoughts go out to this community that is so near to my heart. I ask that you might offer a few words as well. It is my prayer that God would give them the ability to be weak at a time when many expect them to be strong. There is no shame in grief. This is a hard thing to deal with; perhaps one of the hardest things-to lose a friend, classmate, or peer. Our God of all consolation is with them; cries with them; mourns with them. But with Christ, there is always hope. May we all embrace that hope in the situations of our lives-when we can; in our own time. Prayers and Peace.

Who Knew?

Site Meter is an interesting thing. I have discovered that many people who do not know me or about my blog have found my blog by doing some sort of search for the musical piece, "A walk in the Black Forest" by Horst Jankowski. I didn't know that that song was so popular. I blogged a good long while ago about this song because I was reminiscing or something. I could find the post and link to it, but I'm too lazy. Forgive me.

In other news, today is Valentine's Day. Woopidy-Doo! Not. I've never been a fan of this holiday, except for the fact that I can go to the store tomorrow and buy a big box of chocolates in a heart shape for MYSELF at a discount! Yay! Although I won't. But, the possibility is there, nonetheless. And now, I must go because I need to write a verbatim. See ya later.

I'mmmm BAAA-AAACK...

Well, I went home this weekend. I left from CPETown because I was there and it's closer to home. When I say "home," I mean Sis and BiL's house, because their house is more fun. We had tostadas on Friday night. They were AWESOME!!!! Yeah, I love 'em. Then Saturday night, we had my absolute favorite meal: Roast, (in the oven, done medium rare) homemade mashed taters and dark brown gravy, and a chocolate dessert which YS made. That was a family dinner of sorts, and it was good.

I also went shopping this weekend and got some groceries and other things I need. I found lots of really good deals, and I'm glad that I'm stocked up now.

On the way back to Seminary last night though, it started snowing. It wasn't too bad when I passed the exit to go to CPETown. I briefly thought about going to the CPE House so I wouldn't have to go another hour and change to get to seminary. I didn't. BIG MISTAKE. About 20 minutes later, the snow started coming down harder. I had to slow down a great deal and I couldn't see the lines on the road. I was behind a bunch of people and we were creeping along at about 35 mph. I looked in the rearview and saw a cop with his lights flashing coming up behind our caravan. When I got up further, I saw a whole bunch of cop cars and other emergency vehicles on the side of the road. I saw two cars that had been involved in an accident. I hope they weren't hurt too badly.

Shortly after this point, I was almost alone on the road, save for a semi who was ahead of me and one car behind me. The car got off, and then I was just really hoping the semi would keep forging ahead to SeminaryTown. Unfortunately, the semi pulled off at one of the bigger towns about 30 miles south of SeminaryTown. So, I thought, "I'll just have to go forth on my own." But, with no one making tracks for me to follow, I couldn't see where to go. About two miles later, I decided to get off at the last exit for that bigger town. I called Sis and BiL and asked their opinion and they resounded with me and I had to rent a hotel room for the night. I was bummed, but I really don't think I could have made it all the way back. And I'd rather spend the 50 bucks on a hotel room than a tow truck. So, c'est la vie.. Anyway, that's the generalization of my weekend. Maybe I'll tell a more in depth story later. Who knows. Later.

A Meme

You
Can
Only
Type
One
Word

1. Where is your cell phone? desk
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend? Potential
3. Your hair? short
4. Your grandma? cute
5. Your father? gone
6. Your favorite item? chocolate
7. Your dream last night? weird
8. Your favorite drink? caffeinated
9. Your dream car? Focus
10. The room you are in? Dorm
11. Your ex? prison
12. Your fear? failure
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? fulfilled
14. Who did you hang out with last night? Sibs
15. What you're not? stimulated
16. Muffins? Type? chocolate
17. One of your wish list items? cards
19. The last thing you did? yawned
20. What are you wearing? orange!
22. Your favorite book? Bible
23. The last thing you ate? Fig
24. Your life? interesting
25. Your mood? tired
26. Your friends? scattered
27. What are you thinking about right now? food
28. Your car? dirty
29. What are you doing at the moment? contemplating
30. Your summer? busy!
31. Your relationship status? Liked
32. What is on your tv? dust
33. When is the last time you laughed? yesterday
34. Last time you cried? recently

Random Ramblings...

Today, I got to leave the hospital early on account of the weather. I thought on the way home that I should have stayed because the roads weren't THAT bad... But, I was on the state's roadway conditions website tonight, and they said the road on which I travel was mostly/completely covered. Considering I don't know many people up here who could come drag me out of a ditch, I took up the supervisor's suggestion and hit the road to get back here.

Then I took a nap.

When I woke up, I sat around for a while, checking my email and reading some stuff. Although, not the stuff I SHOULD be reading. I really don't want to do that whole "not reading the material" routine like I did in college. I really do want to learn this stuff, and not just pass the tests. I also called my mom, and I also talked to YS.

After reading and yakking on the phone, I went downstairs because I was suffering from some cabin fever. I drew a picture on a friend's dry erase board, talked to her for a few minutes, and headed to the kitchen. I have thoroughly enjoyed sharing meals with others. It's a wonderful practice that the people in this place do. I'm grateful.

But, I am very excited to be going home this weekend. I miss Sis, BiL, Howard, YS, and pretty much everyone. I haven't been terribly homesick for a little while, and I'm just hoping that going home doesn't undo all the good feelings I'm having about this place.

Ok, now I'm going. Have a wonderful day, and stay warm!

Holey Socks!

Tonight at dinner, we had appetizers of sorts... And when someone calls salsa "death sauce," it would be a good idea to take it in severe moderation! Woah!

Week 1 recap...

Well, week one of Seminary study is over. I'm only in one class, but I firmly believe that is a good thing. CPE has been very interesting so far, and I'm feeling better about that, too.

My one class here is a church history class. The teacher seems to be pretty cool, so that's a plus. Pretty much everyone I've met has just been phenomenally awesome. I'm feeling less homesick, and that, too, has me feeling more optimistic. Because I'm feeling more at ease, I'm allowing myself to go home next weekend. I miss "Howard," and Sis and Bil, and pretty much everyone. And Sis let me pick out the menu for the weekend, so I'm pumped! Tostadas, Roast, and Beef Stroganoff! Yeehaw! Three of my favorite foods.

But to be perfectly honest, another reason I'm going home is because my sister in law and other nephew are coming up and we're meeting with someone about my mother's care. She's not doing well, and we are thinking that her care is going to have to involve others pretty quick. The intravescular chemo she had didn't kill her cancer, and they've decided to do "Big Surgery." So while that sucks big time, it has to be done. There are a several things to do before that happens, though. So, I think it is important that I be there for that meeting because I am the one who knows the most about her care and situation. I am usually pretty good with dates, so I know at least the approximate times of her other problems and procedures. Also, I was the one who had been driving her to all of her appointments for the past year or so. And the fact that I was the last to leave the nest put me in the position of being around her and seeing what was going on more than my other siblings. My other siblings have stepped in beautifully in my absence, but I really think that it would be a good idea for me to continue being involved in her care because it can offer some continuity, instead of me knowing her care up to now and someone else knowing from x time to x time, and so on and so forth. So, that is another reason I'm going home.

I suddenly feel like I'm writing a persuasive paper! ha.

Anyway, things are going pretty well. Like I said, I'm meeting great people, and I'm optimistic. Except my soup tonight is not a flavor I like. Bummer.