Movin' on Up

Well, hmm.

Today was a big day for senior seminarians in the ELCA. Most of us got our regional assignments today on a piece of paper in an envelope in our mailboxes (that's how we did it at our seminary, anyway). I already know my region and synod because J is a rostered leader and bishops don't like to give up their rostered leaders. It's been kind of nice to not have to worry about where I'm going, but again, I find that I ventured away from "the norm" on this one. I didn't have to worry about doing CPE in between junior and middler year because I did an extended unit my first semester here. I didn't have to worry about being flung to some state about which I knew nothing for internship because I was married (though there was anxiety regarding the question of whether or not I'd actually get to live with my new husband). And now, I know where I'm going for first call because J is a pastor. I find it slightly odd that each step along the way, I've had a slightly different experience from a lot of others. Oh well. The majority of my classmates are waiting to see what synod they'll be assigned to. Bishops can start calling on March 3rd for most of us, though one region is earlier, and one is later. Please continue to pray about this.

I'm looking forward to first call. I like North Dakota well enough. The people are great, the scenery has its own unique beauty, and the winters are...interesting. The ONLY thing I really dislike about North Dakota is that it is 800 miles away from my family. I have always been very close to my sisters, and I think we all three are grieving that I will not be around much for the next (at least) three years (probably). Yet, the call of God to serve the Church is not always full of sunshine and roses. Certainly, I don't think I am DOOMED because I won't be near my sisters (and brothers and nephews), but I have realized even more fully these past 11 months HOW VERY IMPORTANT family is. I will miss my sisters, but I have hope that someday J and I will move back to be closer to them. I don't need to be ridiculously close, but 13 1/2 hours is a bit excessive.

Anyway, I keep reminding myself that we get vacations. We have phones and webcams and some of us keep in touch via Facebook. And, I am married and love my husband and want to live with him. And, it's also kind of fun and interesting in its own way that I am the only one in my family who is flung far and wide.

I know that many of my classmates are having similar reactions to their own assignments; a mix of grief and excitement and wondering what is next. I know that some of us are happier than others, and I know that many of us are in different places regarding accepting the changes coming our way. But most importantly, I know and deeply trust that God is present through all of this. The Holy Spirit has called and continues to call us to be messengers of the Good News of Jesus Christ. I know it because I see it and live it every day as I live in community with my amazingly talented and thoughtful classmates, and as I live in community with the wider church and the world.

Please continue to pray for all seminarians, their families, and the places to which we will be called. God hears our prayers.

The light at the end of the tunnel...

Well, here I sit, at my desk in my dorm room, realizing that this is the last semester I will ever "get" to live in a dorm. I have, for the most part, enjoyed my dorm dwelling days, though I do find it frustrating sometimes. Such is life.

I realized the other day that I haven't posted on here in a very long time. I think I only had something like fourteen posts in 2010. Woops. My bad; I had other stuff going on.

Since my last post, some things have happened. My hard drive had massive failure in mid-December. I was not able to recover anything from it. However, I did find several of my assignments from last semester still hanging around in my "sent items" folder from school. Victory #1. Also, I found my flash drive and realized that I had EVERY SINGLE FILE from my internship on there. When I was finishing internship, I took my flash drive to my office, put all my office files on there to move them to my laptop, and then never deleted them from the flash. Awesome. Victory #2! Really, there's nothing too horrible that I lost... I did lose three year's worth of Prayers of Intercession, all of my college files, and many of my seminary files. I lost a lot of pictures, music, and a letter I wrote to my mom when she was sick, but that I never gave her. I'm grateful for Facebook because many of my pictures are in albums on my FB page. Since then, I had a new hard drive put in my computer, and have that all squared away. Now I just need to wait for external hard drives to be on sale (or for my husband to let me put my stuff on his), and backup my files.

During the month of January, J and I took an 11-day vacation. We had Christmas with his family in Minnesota, went to Illinois for my approval interview (the last official step with the Candidacy Committee), had Christmas with my family, went back to Minnesota to see J's grandma, then headed home. Good news-I was approved for ordained ministry in the ELCA. I'm pleased about this affirmation, and am pleased that they see the call that I have for this ministry. It is good to be "done" with that.

During January, I also worked diligently on my January Interim (J-term) project. I worked it out with my advisor and school for me to do an independent study. I worked hard, read a lot, thought a lot, and wrote a lot. The final project ended up being 23 pages (including 2 pages of resource information in an annotated bibliography style). The title is, "With Sighs Too Deep: A Pastoral Resource Regarding Dementia." The project was my effort at creating a biblical, theological, and pastoral resource for people to use. My advisor told me that she wanted me to also make it personal, because that would bring it alive for people. So, I wrote and wrote and wrote, trying to integrate the Bible, theology, pastoral care, and my own experience with dementia together in a cohesive, engaging, and helpful way. I was slightly worried when I handed it in when I came back to school because I'd never done an independent study before, and I wasn't sure that what I did was exactly what my advisor was expecting.

I found the paper in my campus mailbox the first week of class. I was on my way to a "clergy tax seminar" on campus. When I got there, I opened the binder (I wanted it to look professional!), and flipped through the pages looking for comments and the like. I like comments because they give me a better idea of what works vs. just seeing a letter or the wonderful words, "CR." Anyway, there weren't too many comments, but when I got to the last page of text (before the resources), I saw that she had written at the bottom of the page. Apparently, I did a good job because the comments she gave me were really humbling. She even mentioned that she would like to see me find a way to distribute my work to a larger audience. She and I are exploring a possibility or two, and in the meantime, I have offered it to people who indicate an interest. I hope that it is helpful in some fashion or another for all who read it. I am passionate about the subject of dementia and of helping people to know God's comforting, redeeming, and loving presence in the midst of such catastrophic forgetting. I'm also excited that it was so well received by my advisor/grader and that she is helping me find a way to distribute it more widely.

Apart from these things, school is back in session. Four years has really flown by. When I was an underclasswoman, all the seniors used to say, "Seminary time really flies!" I always thought, "Yeah right!" But as I sit here in MY last semester, I can't help but agree. It's amazing. I'm excited to serve the Church professionally, and I am excited at what might happen in the future. I realized the other day that people must already see me as "pastor-like." I knew this was the case for SOME people, such as those who I served while on internship, but the realization has deepened. I have been asked many theological and practical church questions in the past few weeks, and I have been involved in several pastoral care and theological conversations with people from back home, as well. About half the time, the people have prefaced the question or conversation with, "I've been thinking about xyz, and I thought, 'Who better to talk/ask than Trisha!'" It's slightly daunting, but even more exciting at the same time. I enjoy it, and am continuing to live into the knowledge that God gifts people for ministry in many ways; one of which is by gifting the Church with teachers and leaders who help shape us.

Anyway, that is what has been going on in my life lately. I hope you and yours are well.

Internship Stuff

So, dear readers, tomorrow is the day that most of my classmates find out where they will be going to live for the next year. The climate around the seminary has been relatively subdued, but there is still some anxiety surrounding this event. It's a natural thing to want to know such a big thing and not have to keep speculating about the unknown.

I've been very chill about the whole thing, for a variety of reasons, I think. First off, since I am getting married in May, I restricted myself for internship so that I can (hopefully) live with my soon to be husband. We are going to live in one of the more northern states in the Midwest. I'm excited about this. Another reason I've been pretty laid back is because the staff person kind of "in charge" of this process told me that I shouldn't worry because it will happen. I've taken her exhortation to heart, for the most part.

Finally, I have been fairly relaxed because this same woman told me that I might not get my assignment on the same day (tomorrow) as everyone else because it might take a little bit longer to find me a site in my restriction area. My logic tells me not to freak out beforehand because there is no 'definite' date for me to come to the end of any anxiety I might be feeling. That being said, I don't want to "agonize" for longer than the other people.

I received word on Monday that the internship site they had for me fell through, and so I'm a little bummed that I don't get my assignment on the same day as my classmates, but I had been warned about this, so it comes as really no big surprise. Obviously I feel a little disappointment, but nothing overwhelming.

What I find myself surprised about at this juncture is a little bit of anger I am feeling; not at the process or any of the people involved in ironing out all this internship stuff, but anger about so many people knocking the state to which I hope to go. Granted, it's not a place that most people DO want to go. But the thing that gets me is my own complex with people thinking I am stupid. I find myself wondering, "Do people think I'm stupid/crazy/less than because I WANT to go where they don't want to go?" And even if they do, that shouldn't matter, but like I said, it's my issue about thinking people think I am dumb. I just wish people would stop knocking my future home state.

The other thing is, though, that I know people aren't knocking me or the state, but they are just expressing their own desire to not go there, which is fine. Different strokes for different folks and all. But at the same time, people have a tendency to hear what they have been conditioned to hear (to a certain extent) and right now, I am hearing their desire to go elsewhere as a personal knock to me. Which is totally irrational, I know. I really know. But there are going to be people with complexes and with irrational ideas and fears in their congregations, and I find myself wondering about this.

What it all really boils down to is that I need to quit feeling so dumb. I'm not dumb. Intellectually, I know that. It's just a struggle, I suppose, that I will have to find a way to achieve over.

Sorry for the rambling, whiny-ness of this post. But whatev.

Substantive Posting is forthcoming, I promise.

But for right now, here are only a few more quick snapshots of what is going on with me.

My oldest brother's 48th birthday was on Monday. I called him, but he didn't answer. I left a message of good will an hope he got it.

This past weekend was a busy one. On Friday, I had my endorsement interview. Endorsement is a big step in the candidacy process in the ELCA. A person is an applicant to candidacy at the beginning. That process involves psychological testing, background check, essay writing, and an entrance interview. Once successfully completed, a person becomes an official candidate and enters seminary. After that first year, a person does some reflection on their call and on their theology and write an endorsement essay. This essay is sent to synod people and an endorsement interview is scheduled. The E.I. is largely undertaken in order for the "powers that be" to see if they believe a candidate is ready for internship. They generally tell the candidate places they have seen growth, as well as some places for continued intentionality. Pretty much everyone freaks out about the E.I. in some manner or another. I think I did pretty well with it, although I was a little nervous. However, the interview was conducted with two candidacy people, my advisor, and me, and was more like a conversation than a grilling. When they sent me out to talk about me, I wasn't too nervous, but it took a bit longer than I thought it should have. When they called me back in, it was to apologize because they had started having regular old conversation, and needed to reel it back in. They are recommending me for endorsement to the entire panel that will meet on January 3rd. I'm excited. They spoke of many good things about me, and also challenged me to grow in a few particular places. They also made a few suggestions to me for the future regarding my spiritual development and the need to find honest and trustworthy people with whom to discuss my feelings regarding my mother, especially when she dies. But, none of the growing edges they discussed with me were really a surprise.

So, Friday night, after my E.I., we had a wee bit of a party, but I could only stay about an hour or so. I needed to go to Illinois because I was going wedding dress shopping with my sisters on Saturday, and was leading worship at a church about 15 miles from my home church on Sunday. I stayed at the party long enough to stomp all my friends at the game, "Apples to Apples!" (THE FUNNEST GAME ON THE PLANET!) and to have some good conversation. One of my friends said that they came out with a biblical version of Apples to Apples. I interjected, "Yeah. It's called, 'Apples to SIIINNNN!!!!'" Got good laughs.

I drove home on Friday night. It was an uneventful trip; one I've done many, many times. I got "home," and went pretty much directly to bed. I was tired.

On Saturday morning, Howard and Sunscreen (who is walking like no other these days!) came into my room while I was still lying in bed. Howard said, "HI TRISHY!" and Suncreen was going, "TRISHY! TRISHY!" It was TOO cute. They got up on my bed and gave me hugs and kisses. It is one of the best ways to be woken up. They're my boys. Sis said that she had been telling Howard all week that Aunt Trishy was coming home, but hadn't said anything that morning. As soon as she brought them down, Howard said, "Trishy? Trishy?" And then came to my room! I love my nephews something fierce!

YS came over, and my two sisters and I shared breakfast with the boys, and then the three of us left to go WEDDING DRESS SHOPPING! Sis and YS had four places in mind for me. One was David's Bridal, and we had an appointment. I only saw three dresses in their catalog I liked, and the consultant brought them to me. I was a little nervous, and so had a little trouble breathing while putting them on. Lol. I kinda liked one, but thought I'd continue looking at the other places, too.

So, the second place we went was probably my LEAST favorite. It was a small boutique with hideous wallpaper and carpeting (not that that REALLY matters, but still...). We had to sign up at the front desk to be put on the list to get a dressing room. We found a few dresses (actually I should say that Sis and YS found a few dresses. I didn't actually do any of the looking) and the proprietor said, "I have a room, but it's very small." We said that would be fine, and she showed it to us. It wasn't that small at all. Sis, YS, and I went in, and they were helping me. Then, a knock came at the door. I said, "Uh... Hold on a minute." And the knocking kept coming at intervals until finally she just CAME IN! The proprietor thought I NEEDED HER HELP! EXCUSE FRICKING ME, LADY! THAT'S WHY BROUGHT SISTERS! SO STRANGERS WOULDN'T BE SEEING THE GOODS! lol. My body language and tone of voice should have clued her in, but it didn't. After that, I was like, forget this place. Let's go! So we left.

The third place we went was lots better. The consultant told us about the dresses, but not overly so. She let us go to looking (and again, by "us," I mean Sis and YS), and then when we found several, she took us back the dressing rooms. She said, "Do you want my help?" I said, "No, thank you." She said, "That's what they're for, right!?" And it was well understood and all was happy. She said she would wait outside the dressing room to answer any questions we had. I tried on three dresses, with no luck. Sis told me that when she tried on her dress, it screamed, "BUY ME!" I wasn't expecting that for me, because I'm not the kind of person that fashionable things scream at. But, the fourth dress I tried on there spoke quite loudly to me. It is simple, yet elegant, and for a dress, makes me feel relatively comfortable. So, I asked the woman to hold it for me, because we had one more place to go. She said no problem, gave me her card, and said she'd appreciate hearing from us when we decided.

The fourth place... Nothing spectacular. I think I tried on two dresses or so there. Neither of them even whispered at me, really. So, we went back to place number three and I said, "You are the winner!" And the consultant said, "Yay! Not because you chose us, but because now you have your dress!" And she was quite a delight to deal with, and she didn't breach every single boundary issue I have with people and my physical person. So, I bought the dress, and am happy that that part is done. I simply need to have it cleaned (it was the last of its kind and was on the sale rack-score~!-so it had makeup from other women on it), and I need to have it altered just a little in the straps. I'm pumped. But, I can't tell you more about it, because my beloved reads this blog (sorry, my love!) and it's "supposed" to be a surprise. And I kind of want it to be. So that is the story on that.

Sunday, I led worship at the church. It went pretty well. I preached REALLY short, but I felt it wrapped up nicely. I didn't feel the need to just go on and on. I got some positive feedback, and then went to the adult sunday school between church services. It was weird because I pretty much led that, too, which I was not at all comfortable with. I used to work on Sunday mornings and couldn't do Bible Studies, so this was pretty much my first one. Lol. But, I think they were satisfied with my input. I don't know. I then led the second service, which I liked better because it felt more like "church" to me. All in all though, things went well.

I then went to visit Ma at the home. She knew me, so that was nice. She can't speak in coherent sentences, so that's not so nice. And I told her I'm engaged and she doesn't understand the concept. I could say more, but I'm not going to.

So, then I went "home" again, saw my boys for a while, and then came back home to the castle. Classes are going fine, for the most part, although I'm not a big fan of Hebrew Language or Educational Ministry. But those are my own issues. I'm working on them. And with that, I'm off to my "FIELD WORK" for Ed. Min. Yeehaw. Have a great day, and I am thinking about a post about knowing and being known. Be prepared.

I sure hope this isn't a premonition...

Today, I took a bit of a nap. I had gone to classes this morning, and also worked out when a panel from Illinois could come for me and another young woman from Illinois to interview us for Endorsement. It took a wee bit of work to schedule all of this stuff, but I got it done. After I got that figured out, I went to check out this youth center where I will be doing my "field work" for a class. When I got home I laid down on my bed. I really wasn't all that tired, but I felt a bit off, and thus decided to rest. Soon enough, I was asleep, and having a crazy dream.

I dreamt that it was the day of the Endorsement Interviews. The way it works is that one person from each synod (or state, as in my case) is the lead coordinator and works to find a day and time when all the people they are grouped with can have the interviews. The leader can delegate tasks, so long as a room for interviewing is reserved, the panel, student, and faculty advisor are there, lunch is straightened out, and for those who come from a long way to get accommodations. So, I'd been slightly stressed about getting all this done because there are some things going on in my synod that are going to make the assistant to the bishop for candidacy affairs unavailable for a while. I wanted to get things hammered out before she left, so that she didn't have to be worried about it while she is away. Needless to say, I've had Endorsement on the brain. Anyway, so back to the dream...

I dreamt that instead of having these interviews on all separate days, every single synod was doing their interviews on the SAME day. Seminary set up big old rooms for dinner and what not about it. Well, on this day, my fellow Illinoisan and I forgot to meet our panel at the front desk. When we remembered and got there, he was like, "Finally!" and he rolled his eyes. So, he was saying snarky things to us about how incompetent we were and what not. And so, we were trying to be apologetic and polite, and so we took him to the dinner. There were ice sculptures set up and big long tables of food that people were sitting at. Our "panel" (which consisted in the dream of just this one guy), was not impressed. He had to wait for his meal, during which time, he continued to degrade us. So, after the meal (which I don't remember eating in the dream), there was some sort of presentation. He was not amused, and in fact, did not like at all. All of a sudden, it was like an hour or two had passed, and I loked around and saw that one ice sculpture was severely melted, and another one was basically destroyed. Just the base of it was there with a bunch of water in the ice "walls" that remained. Not many people were in the room anymore, and I looked around to see our "panel" destroying the ice sculptures. I knew that they wouldn't have degraded so quickly. He pretty much told us we were incompetent failures, and that he shouldn't have wasted his time.

At this point, I jerked awake and was like, "Dude... What the heck!"

I've been having some weird dreams lately that have been causing me to jerk awake. It's weird, and slightly amusing because when I wake up, I know that my subconscious has just blown things way out of proportion. I'm fairly confident that my Endorsement Interview (the next step in Candidacy for me and my classmates) will go well. My academic work has gone pretty well, I think I'm growing in this whole, "Trying to talk in class" thing, and I think I'm becoming more confident with my particular gifts and abilities. Dreams are bizarre things, I reckon. That, and I have lots o' stuff going on (obviously).

Anyway, I just thought I'd tell y'all of my crazy dreaming again. Have a delightful day.

I'm popular tonight.

I must be a popular woman. I was sitting at my desk tonight and my room phone rang. It was a middler with whom I have had a conversation or two. She is from my synod, and she said that the Assistant to the Bishop for Candidacy Affairs is going to be here tomorrow. Furthermore, the A to the B wants to take us to dinner, what with us being members of her synod and all. The plan was for the A to the B to take Middler, me, and the international student our synod is "sponsoring." Cool beans, yo.

Anyway, a few minutes after the phone call, I heard a knock at my door. It was a friend from down the hall. She came in and we talked for a while when the phone rang again! It was International Student saying she wouldn't be able to go tomorrow night because she is working. Bummer.

So, I got off the phone and was talking more with my pal, when ANOTHER knock to my door came. It was my good friend; the one who has taken multiple units of CPE. I have her ice cream in my room because I have a freezer. So, she came in and all three of us had a chat for a while. Then, CPE friend left and my other friend and I chatted a while longer.

So, I got multiple visitors and phone calls tonight. I'm in high demand! Ha. Anyway, I was sidetracked from my Greek paper for a while, but that's totally okay. I needed the break! Ha.

In other news, I rearranged my room! I have zero artistic vision when it comes to arranging rooms, so my friend AO came up with the plan and I did much of the work (AO got a call that she had to take, and I figured I could keep working). I was able to move my stuff because I have a system where I take broken down pop or cereal boxes and put them under the heavy stuff. The slick colored side of the boxes lets even really heavy furniture slide easily across the carpet. I moved my full bookshelf, refrigerator, and futon. Yay! It's how I've been moving furniture by myself for years. Try it sometime; I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

And with that, I need to go do a few more things and maybe do a little more Greek work tonight. Have a wonderful evening.

Things on my mind...

I confess; I listen to Christian Contemporary Music. Some of it I like, some of it, I could really do without. But anyway, there are a few CCM radio stations that I am near enough to hear, and so my presets include the stations. Well, I'm sure as many of you know, October is Clergy Appreciation Month. Therefore, the stations air little blips telling us how we can make our appreciation for our pastors known. I've noticed something that bothers me though... On these commercials, the announcer says something along the lines of, "Here are some ways you can make your Pastor and his wife feel appreciated..." Or, "Your pastor. He's there with you..." Not once have I heard a statement that recognizes that women are pastors, too. And I thought, "Y'know... Maybe they're just saying 'him' as a generalization." But then I thought that they might later be more inclusive. But they're not. And it just kind of bugs me that even radio stations have become so right-wingish. I mean, really. There are many women out there who are very effective pastors. Just look at all the wonderful pastors at RevGalBlogPals and really, all over the Internet. It just bothers me that here we are in the year 2006, and some people can't get over the fact that God can and does call women into ministry. I know... It's just a radio blip. But still...

Another thing has been on my mind as well... In my senior experience class, there are some people who have been rather nit-picky about our professor. One of them went to her today and made "our" complaints known. This also bothers me because I don't have complaints about the professor. I don't like the class, but that's just because it makes me incredibly nervous. It's really the only thing that could cause me to not graduate. My other 2 classes aren't difficult at all. But, more importantly than this class making me nauseated, I think is the fact that some of the students present themselves as our spokespeople. And the one came into the room today and was talking to her friend and the friend said, "If you two are friends now, we can't be friends." That in itself bothered me, but then, the professor talked with us about "our" concerns for about half an hour and the second girl was acting all nicey-nice to the prof. It's just fake and I don't really like it. The half hour talk just drove home to me the point of just how unsettled conflict makes me feel. Conflict drains me. It is something I need to work on. Not all congregations can be as wonderful as the one to which I belong, and I don't want to go around feeling drained all the time. That just came up because the seminary application asked for the applicant to write an essay in which they discuss the things that energize/drain them... But, I could not think of anything at that time, so I just submitted my candidacy essay (which they said it perfectly fine on the application. I'm not a complete slacker). Anyway, those were just a few things I wanted to discuss. OH yeah, and I had PIZZA tonight for dinner! It was good. But now I have to go to bed because I have to drive my mother to the hospital tomorrow to have a procedure done. Bright and early. Yay... Not.

All that is left for me to do is wait...

I just got word that my final reference for my application to seminary has completed the form and will be sending it out tomorrow. Since I applied online to the seminary I wish to attend yesterday, I now just have to wait to hear if they will accept me or not. It is my fervent prayer that they will accept me for January, but I'm trying to imagine all possible outcomes. For me, things are less heartbreaking if I have at least imagined all possible scenarios. Tonight I was vaccuuming at work and I tried to imagine how I would feel if they told me "no" or "not yet" and the thought of not getting to go makes me kind of sad. Therefore, I really hope they say "Yes!" Anyway, since the Candidacy Committee didn't give me a big fat "no" I have to believe that the Churchwide discernment has led me thus far for a purpose. :) So anyway, that's pretty much all I have to say tonight. That, and 44 working days left till I quit RESTAURANT!!!!!!!!!!! (I'm slightly excited; can you tell?)

I did it!

Ok, so actually, I did two things! Here they are...

Yesterday, after work, I was sitting around with the boss at the bar. I always sit out there for at least a few minutes with him because we chat a little bit and then I leave. I've been a complete chicken with telling him when I'm leaving, but last night, during a commercial (I wanted to make sure I had his undivided attention) I told him that December 1 would be my last day. I said, "Boss, December One. That is going to be my last day here. It's a Friday." He said, "Ok. We're really going to miss you." And I didn't say anything to that. Then I said, "OK, bye now." Not really, but you're not interested in the other chit chat we had... I'm thrilled. 45 working days left! Yeehaw!

The other thing I did is a little more exciting to me... I submitted my application to Seminary. I did it online because they waive the application fee if you do it online. I snail-mailed by autobiographical essay to them. 3 out of 4 of my references have submitted their forms, and I just sent my other clergy reference the forms today. OH yeah, let me tell you about that...

Remember how I was discouraged because I don't know many pastors and so I had to call someone to ask if he would be my other rostered leader reference? Well, he said he would be, so long as we had a meeting and got to know each other a little better. That was supposed to take place on October 7. But, my pastor had a new suggestion (He suggested the guy in the first place) that I have the Assistant to the Bishop (A to the B from here on out) for Candidacy Affairs be my other reference. So, I called her and she agreed because she already knows me. So, I talked to the other person and told him that I was very grateful for his willingness, but I realized that I did know another pastor. He thought that would be better too, because the A to the B knows me in a more natural way. So, I sent the A to the B for Cand. Affairs the forms today, and I trust she will fill them out and send them off expeditiously.

So, because that was straightened out, I asked Pastor if it would be a good time to apply, and he said yes. So, I came home from school today, ironed my pants for work, and then applied! I'm excited. Hopefully they accept me. I really want to go!

On a completely unrelated note... A little child made my day on Sunday. The kids sang during worship, so Ma and I had to sit a pew back from where we normally sit. The Sunday School kids came in and sat in the first 4 pews while waiting to get up and sing. So, anyway, once they were done, they all went to their parents. Well, one parent who was sitting directly behind me didn't have room for both of her kids in the pew, so she asked the girl to sit in my pew by me. She did. I noticed she was drawing a little something and it looked cool, so I said, "That looks really cool!" and she said, "Thanks." So, I didn't think much else of it. After worship though, as we were all ushered out to shake hands with Pastor, I talked to him for a brief moment about the reference form that I put on his desk. Then I kept going so as to not hold up the line. All of a sudden I heard the little voice say, "I drew this for you!" I looked down and the little girl handed me a picture that she drew on the back of a communion card. It says, "God, Jesses" (meaning Jesus, obviously) and then it has a picture of a cross, and of God (with a beard) and Jesus (with a smile). The words on it said, "God Loves YOU" I thought it was so cool. I said, "Thank you! I really like this!" And I meant it. I have it here on my desk because I think it is special that a little girl is so willing to tell others that God loves them. I drew her a little picture in return that I plan to give her on Sunday. I hope it offers her encouragement, because I just think that it is so cool that she was willing to tell me, whom she had never met or talked to before, that God loves me. Anyway, that's it. See ya.

I'm being unreasonable.

Do you ever have the problem where something unexpected happens and you have a completely unreasonable response to it? That happened to me today. I had a good morning, where I really thought, "You know, even though this whole application to candidacy and now candidacy process has been somewhat long and "stop & go" for me, and despite the many questions I have posed to myself regarding my ability and/or readiness to move away and begin theological education, I really believe that ministry is where I am being led." I was feeling really good about it all, and I was even planning on submitting my application to seminary online today after I got done talking with one of the Assistants to the Bishop in order for him to be my second rostered leader reference (Not the A to the B for Candidacy affairs, the other one who is in part responsible for teaching churches to do Natural Church Development. Our church is in the midst of NCD, and that is how I know the A to the B). Anyway, I was expecting to have a talk with him over the phone for maybe 45 minutes to an hour and that would be that. But instead, he suggested I go to the Synod Office to have a 2 hour meeting with him. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not averse to meetings or whatever, but I have been waiting for what seems like FOREVER to apply to seminary. And now, I don't know if I should WAIT until after October 7 to apply, or if I can go ahead and apply now. The application requires that the applicant put down the information for the references, so I'm in a quandary. Our meeting is 2 weeks away! That seems like a long time. A really long time! And what if they don't take me for the Spring Semester and I will have quit my job already and blah blah blah... Anyway, so I'm just way more upset about this than I should be. That is why I feel like I am being unreasonable. I'm also angry with myself because I should have read my e-mail before I called the A to the B because Pastor suggested I use the other A to the B (the one for Candidacy Affairs) because she already knows me. I had thought about her before, but didn't think she was allowed to be a reference for me because she is so involved in the application and candidacy process. Or if I'd known that I needed to have a huge whole long interview, I could have found a more local pastor to help me out. I've met a few of them, and I'm sure one of them would have been willing to act as a reference. But no... See, unreasonable. I'm being unreasonable. It's not the end of the world. Maybe I'm just tired. I don't know. I need to go get ready for work now. Bye.

Something that made me laugh...

My church sends out a monthly newsletter to all of the members of the congregation. Pastor puts it together and sends it so that, ideally, it should come close to the beginning of the month. Sometimes the post office doesn't deliver all of the out of towners until the month is half over, but it always gets to us. But anyway, September's didn't face the same delay the previous two months' issues did, so we got it a little early. I was reading through it (because getting it makes me remarkably happy), and I noticed that Pastor wrote a short article about me. The title says, "Candidate for Ministry" and the article states: "Trish LastName has been approved as a Candidate for Ministry by the synod candidacy committee. Trish will graduate MyCollege in December and plans to attend HerChoice Seminary next year. Congratulations Trish! We are proud of you! (Even though you have confessed to jumping out of a perfectly good airplane.) Funds are regularly received for Student Aid at MyChurch and will be used to help defray costs for seminary education. Thanks to all who contribute regularly to this fund. It is a great way we can help minimize the financial burden of seminary education as well as show support in training effective leaders for the Church of Christ." The support my congregation showers upon me just continues to touch my heart. A part of me just has such a hard time believing that they think so highly of me, but I am just so grateful that they believe in my abilities and gifts so much that they are traveling with me down this path. I love those people like crazy and am so thankful that God brought me into fellowship with them so many years ago. I am indeed truly blessed! Thanks, God!

A bad sign...

Well, here I sit at 11:30 at night, blogging. I am nearing the end of my first week back in the groove of school. I'm a bad, bad girl. I only have 3 classes this semester, but I am already procrastinating. I really, really, REALLY should be reading some stuff for my Soc. 300 class, but I'm not. I think I'll do it this weekend. I really need to get out of this procrastination habit. It's not good. I want to stay on top of things this semester and not wait to do what I should do now. And I haven't written the prayers of the people for Sunday yet, and I'm really tired, and I need to do some other stuff too. Ugh. When I got the results of my psychological profile from the 5 1/2 hours of testing I endured, they said that I might want to consider sitting down with a professional and talking about my tendency to procrastinate, among a few other things. Maybe I should, but I don't want to do it now. Maybe later... :) I'm going to bed now. I'm bad.

Woot!

I'm official! My Synod sent me a letter yesterday telling me that they officially approved me for Candidacy! I'm excited! Very VERY VERY Excited! Wow, that' way too many exclamation points. Sorry. Anyway, I'm off now. I am taking my little nephew to his substitute babysitter's in the morning. Have a good day!

"No, we are NOT at a Sting Concert!"

Haha. I'm such a dork, but it's great fun. Today, I led worship because Pastor, some chaperones, and many youth went to camp. Overall, it was a good experience, but we were having some technical difficulties. Allow me to start at the beginning...

I got to worship, copied the minutes from this past month's Council meeting, (I'm the secretary) put them into peoples' boxes, talked with the people who were milling about before worship, and having a pretty good time. Well, it got closer to 9:00 a.m. so I went back to the sacristy to vest in the alb in which I always vest when I lead worship. So, I put the wireless mic on, and the prelude music started playing, so I let enough time pass for the acolyte to get the candles lit before I walked out. I went and sat in the leader's chair until the music ended. I stood up to give the announcements. I talked in the announcements about how we will be including several people in the prayers of the People for healing and wholeness as they deal with illness and recuperation. I also said we would be including a prayer for safe travel for Pastor, the chaps, and the youth as they go to camp for a time of refreshment and fellowship. Then I said, "I myself had a bit of a road trip yesterday as I went to the synod office for my Candidacy Interview. The Candidacy Interview is the last step as an Applicant to Candidacy. I was interviewed by a few people who will make a recommendation to the full Candidacy Subcommittee, and later apprise me of their official decision. Unofficially, though, you're looking at the newest Candidate for rostered leadership in the My Synod of the ELCA." Before I could even get that whole sentence out, the entire congregation just erupted into spontaneous applause. I almost started crying, and that's really something because I'm not much of a crier. Then I said, "I appreciate the support, encouragement, and prayers you've given me as we have been about discerning here, and I ask that you would continue to discern with me as we venture along this new path." Then at the end of my announcements, I could see the ushers gesturing from the back that they couldn't hear me. But, I had the power bar, the battery pack, and the switch on, so it should have worked. So, after I announced the first hymn, I went back into the sacristy where the sound equipment is housed because a few of the ushers were in there trying to figure it out. So, I think they turned it up or something, and I thought we were set. When the hymn ended, I went out to begin the opening dialogue, and I saw the ushers gesture that they still couldn't hear me. At that point, I really started to project my voice the best I could without shouting. So, we said the dialogue and the creed, and then we sang another hymn. During the hymn, I again went back to the sacristy (which, btw, is just off the side from the altar) because the same two ushers were in there. So, we changed the battery and thought we had it working. When the hymn ended, I came running out of the sacristy and said, "Sorry, we're having technical difficulties! Then, I flipped the switch that actually makes the leader's voice go through the mic and I got a whole bunch of feedback. Like a complete dork, I said, "No, we are NOT at a Sting concert." As if Sting would have feedback at one of his concerts. Does that guy still even make music? haha. At that point, it was Prayer of the Day time, so I just projected as loud as I could. Then, it was time for the first lesson, so I again went back into the sacristy with the ushers to try to figure it out. We realized that we couldn't get it working with me running back and forth, and with the parishioners ears falling victim to the feedback. So, I decided to not use the wireless today. I was trying to take it off and out of my pocket and off my collar (the alb has a collar to which we attach the mic, I would not even PRESUME to wear a clerical collar) when I heard the first lesson end. Well, today, of all days, we were actually reading the Psalm, so I ran out there and put the battery box on the pulpit because it was out of my pocket, but I still had the cord running underneath the alb and the mic was still attached to my alb. I said from the pulpit mic, "This morning, we will be reading Psalm... 145, no, 138, found on page 283 of the LBW. Let us read these verses responsively." The bulletin back says 145, but the inside said 138, so that's why I got mixed up. So, we did that and after the Psalm was read, I just sat down in the leader's chair, finished taking off the wireless, and breathed a calming sigh. After the second lesson was completed, I was glad that the lector forgot to bring me the big Bible from which we read the Gospel lesson because I just opened it at the lecturn and read the Gospel from there, instead of walking into the aisle to read where we usually read it.

After the Gospel reading, we sang another hymn, and I thought about how I would do the rest of the service, and I came to some conclusions. I would just use the pulpit mic for my sermon, although it doesn't work as well as the wireless works (when it functions properly), and I would project at the other places I needed to project. Fortunately, most of the "me talking to them" part was over. So, I preached from the pulpit mic, and I know that a lot of the older folks couldn't hear me very well, so I felt bad. I talked as loud as I could and realized what I was doing when I started to go hoarse. I didn't even realize really that I had increased my volume, but I'm glad I did. So, the sermon was over and we sang another hymn. Then, the offering was collected and the offertory was sung. It doesn't bother me ONE bit to not be able to be heard during the singing part, so we were all good. The Prayers of the People are read by the lector at the lecturn, except for the final petition which is pretty much always the same. Then, we all said the Lord's Prayer together, so it didn't matter that I wasn't being loud. Then, it was time for the Benediction. I walked down a little bit and projected as loud as I could. Then, we sang the closing hymn, and it was over.

Other than these mishaps, worship went well. As I was preaching, I looked out and saw who I thought was a great friend. I thought, "Is that Friend out there?" And then, someone swayed in their seat a little (Not THAT kind of sway; we're not that kind of church) and I saw Friend's husband, so I thought, "yay! That's really cool." When I went to the back of the sanctuary as the congregation was singing the last verse of the closing hymn, I looked up at the clock in the fellowship hall and it was 9:53. I was thrilled. That's the longest any of my services has ever lasted. Then, as I was shaking hands w/ people on the way out, one funny man said, "I always say that if you can't get it said in 15 minutes, you can't get it said in 25." So I said, "How long was mine?" And he said, "13 minutes. I timed you." So, I thought, "Yeah, baby!" Because usually my sermons seem REALLY short. But, I got a lot of "congratulations" and people wishing the best for me, and saying how proud they are of me. It was a good experience, even though a few people mentioned they couldn't really hear that well because of the lack of wireless mic. We'll have to mention it to Pastor. It's weird, but that thing almost always acts up when I'm leading. I only remember one time when Pastor had difficulties with it. Ah well. But THEN, I went to Pastor's other church, and when I walked in, the head usher said, "The sound system is acting up today."

Great...

So, he fiddled with it some, and I was standing at the back of the sanctuary when Usher said, "blow into it so we can see if it's working." So, I blew on it, and nothing. He did something else and I tapped it a little and it was working. So, I tapped it a little more, and it was still working. So I said, (quite excitedly) "Yeah! I think it's working." That met with some laughter from the congregants. It wasn't perfect, but it was at least functional throughout the whole service. Although, usually I flip the one switch on for when I talk, and off for when it is time for singing. I was afraid that would mess it up though, so I just sang REALLY quietly today. :)

My announcement met with the same applause there, and I felt very affirmed and loved. The people liked my sermon (or so they said) and worship again lasted for 53 minutes. I'm thrilled. The first time I actually make it to that hour point, I will be absolutely giddy. And now, this has been a very long post, so please forgive me, and thank you for reading. Bye.

The wedding

My friend's wedding went very well. I didn't Porky Pig the reading, although I did make myself look dorky at one point. Because I was passing out bulletins with my friend "Jacki," we asked my other friend "Paige's" fiance "Chris" to save us some seats. "Paige" was a bridesmaid, so she wouldn't be sitting with him. Well, he sat toward the wall and not toward the aisle, and so when "Jacki" and I went in to be seated as the service was about to begin, I had to sit on the end of the pew toward the wall. A gentleman who goes to church with me was filming the ceremony because he's related to the bride. He stood right by us, but in a recess in the wall so as to not get in anyone's line of sight. Well, when it was time to get up to read, I whacked my knee on the pew in front of me and said, "Ow." I realized a moment later that my little "ow" probably is going to end up on the tape. I hope the newly married couple finds that funny and not stupid, because I couldn't help myself from saying it. I really whacked the ol' knee pretty good. But anyway, several people from my church were at the wedding because we live in a small community and the bride is related to several people from my church. So, I told the ex-president of the council who was the prez when I started that the Candidacy Committee gave me the unofficial thumbs up. His term was up last year, though, so this year we have a new president. But, I told him that, and I was going to try to keep it a secret until I could announce it tomorrow before worship. But, as I was passing out bulletins, another church member came in and asked how it went today, and I told her really well, and that they gave me the green light. So, she hugged me and her husband said congrats, and then I turned and saw practically a LINE of my church folks, so by the end of the night, I'd guess about 1/4 of the congregation has already heard that I got the go ahead from the C.C. Haha. Oh well. I'll still be able to tell the congregation tomorrow because SOME of them were not at the wedding or reception. The pastor at the church today even heard about my good news and said congratulations. So, it was interesting. Anyway, the wedding was really nice, although it really started storming hard when we were on our way to the reception. Thunder, lightning, driving rain... it was slightly frightening. But, the reception also turned out to be quite fun. I danced, I served cake, I raised my glass in a toast, (I didn't say the toast, I just drank to toast the couple) I heard a bunch of congrats from my church family, and then I came home. So, it's been good. Today is a good day, but with all the excitement I'm really tired and I have a slight headache, so I'll be going now so I can practice my sermon for tomorrow. Have a fabulous day.

I was going to tell a joke...

But it wouldn't work well written down. My bad. Anyway, I'm back from my Candidacy Interview. There were four people and me in the room. I was slightly nervous because I didn't really know the people interviewing me. All went fairly well though. I knew the Assistant to the Bishop for Candidacy Affairs and I think she is delightful, so I was glad she was there. I also had talked to the chair of the panel before, and he seems nice. Then, two completely new people were there and I really liked them, too. There was a laywoman who just made me feel incredibly at ease, and then there was a director of some sort who had a very warm look about him; kind of like that guy who said, "There are no strangers; just friends I haven't met." So, the interview lasted about 45 minutes or so, at which point they asked me to step out so they could discuss me. I made friends with an Intentional Interim Minister while I waited. They then had me come back in to apprise me of their decision. I was slightly worried, but only because the chair wasn't looking at me... But, they said I'm IN! They have to have it approved by the entire subcommittee, but the Assistant to the Bishop told me that the Chair would personally body slam anyone who took issue with my approval. :) :) :) I'm so excited. Pastor gave me his cell phone number so I could call him with their decision, so on my ride home, I calmed down some and gave him a ring. They're on their way to camp right now and had just passed Iowa City when I phoned. He was happy to hear the good news. So, I'm kind of floating around on cloud 9 right now, with this huge grin on my face that is starting to hurt, but I can't HELP IT!! I'm so thrilled. Anyway, I have to go now; my friend who is getting married today asked me to get to the church around noon so we can have our photo taken together. So, blessings on your day, and stay cool!

Another Opportunity

Well, I get to preach again Sunday. I'm pretty excited. Pastor gave the message I wrote a thumbs up. Actually, I get to lead worship Sunday, not just preach. Pastor and some chaperones and the youth are going to camp in another state. They'll be gone for something like a week. My little sister got to go to camp when we were younger, but I couldn't go due to some medical issues. I was seriously bummed about that, because I've never been to camp and it always seemed like such a fun experience. Maybe, hopefully, when I'm older, I will get to go with some youth. But anyway, I'm pretty excited about leading worship. I preached on the 16th, I'm leading on the 30th, and I get to lead worship again on August 20th. It's exciting for me to get to do so many all in such a short amount of time. Woohoo!

Anyway, I blogged earlier about this being a really busy week. After today, things are really going to start going kinda warp speed. Tomorrow, I have to get up and go to town to get a friend a wedding present, because the shower gift I got her was kind of crappy. But, in my defense, it was the only thing the store had in stock that was on her list. So, I'm going to the other place at which she and her soon to be hubby are registered. But, then I am meeting another dear friend for lunch at the Olive Garden. I haven't seen this friend in probably about two years almost. The last time I saw her was at her own wedding. She and her hub moved to Indiana, so that makes it difficult to see them. But, she comes back to the area for work once a month or so. So, I'm thrilled. So, then I have to be the waitress at Restaurant tomorrow even though I'm usually the hostess on Thursdays. The regular waitress is going to Wisconsin, so she offered me her day. I don't mind because I'm taking Friday off to help decorate the American Legion with my bride to be friend. Then, we have the rehearsal, and rehearsal dinner afterward. Then, it's straight home so I can go to bed to wake up at 5:00 a.m. to head to the synod office to be there by 8:00 for my Candidacy Interview. I'm so excited, thrilled, and a little bit nervous.. But, mostly excited. I've been an applicant to Candidacy for almost a full year now, and it's exciting that I could potentially be a Candidate before the week is out... But after my interview, I have to come home, get ready for the wedding, head there where I am helping to manage the guestbook, pass out bulletins, read the lesson, head to the reception where I am helping to cut the cake, and have a good time before leaving to get to bed at a decent hour so I can get up Sunday to lead worship and preach at my congregation and preach at Pastor's other church. Then, I have to go to work, although a little bit later than usual. So, I'm sure you all are sick of hearing the play-by-play of what my week is going to be like, but I'm VERY excited. So, I'll let you all know what the Candidacy Committee tells me if they give me an answer right away. I don't know if they will or not though. Anyone who has been there care to clue me in? :) Hasta.

The Little Things

Sometimes, in life, the little things can really offer a boost to help a person through the day. In response to a little challenge from Tara over at Praying on the Prairie, I've been trying to think of ways that people use the "little things" to speak God's presence into my life. It may sound insignificant to you all, but I have noticed a few little things this past week. Although, maybe insignificant is the point... Thursday at Restaurant, I was the hostess. Well, that day, I think maybe five or six people talked to me about my hopeful future vocation. Usually I don't even get that many comments a week, but these people were encouraging and supporting me all day Thursday. It just seems amazing to me because as I draw closer to my Candidacy Interview on the 29th, it just seems that people are all gung-ho for me. That is really nice, especially since my psychological profile details that I respond very well to affirmation. To me, those people who have asked and encouraged me have been one way that affirms that God does know me quite well, and that God cares for me so much that he sends people into my life who speak to me in ways that really touch my heart. So, I encourage you to check out Tara's post about the seemingly "little things." Anyway, be blessed. This is going to be a really hectic, busy week for me coming up, so hopefully I will be able to blog about it. I'm going to my 5 year class reunion tonight, and I have stuff above the ordinary to do almost every day this coming week. So, I am not falling off the face of the planet, I'm just incredibly busy. So, see ya later.

Guess what!

Hey You GUYS!!! (Bonus points if you can name the movie in which that line appears) I'm fairly excited, and do you know why? I get to preach this Sunday! Pastor has taken most of this week "off" to have some reading days for continuing education. Because he wanted to focus on the continuing ed, he didn't want to take time out to do sermon prep. So, he asked if I wanted to preach, to which I replied, "Yeah!" So, this Sunday it is. He will be leading the actual worship part, with the singing and kyrie and all of that good stuff. I just have to do the sermon. That's alright with me, though. The sermon is my favorite part to do, probably because I can't carry a tune in a bucket and so much of the liturgy is singing. I don't sing by myself in front of the congregation because I am so self-conscious about my singing. I'm hoping that they "teach" singing in seminary, or else I'm in some serious trouble... But anyway, I wrote the message Tuesday night. I'm pretty happy with it. I didn't have any of that usual, "Pastor is going to HATE this message and tell me what an awful job I did" feeling. Maybe it's because I have heard one statement a few different times lately. That statement is that, "God calls us to be confident in our baptism." I heard this last Sunday in Pastor's sermon, and then again on Monday, when I had my replacement Initial Interview. So, I think I've really taken that to heart. I even used it myself in the sermon. I'm happy with the message I've written. Pastor says it's nicely done. I'm happy with that.

In other news, I'm done with my summer class. We had the final yesterday. I don't know how I did. I got an A grade on everything up until then, but I think I might have blown it with the final. I was so tired after this week that I think my brain turned to mush. Oh well. The teacher grades pretty easily, so I shouldn't be too worried.

Oh yeah, my replacement Initial Interview, which I mentioned above, went fairly well. It was done over the phone because I already did one I.I. and they felt bad for making me do another one. The interviewer was the head of the Candidacy Committee, so he had all of my information and knew what kinds of questions to ask me. They were harder than the questions I was asked the first go around. At least now I'll be more able to reflect and think upon my history and what not and hopefully be more prepared for the Candidacy Committee Entrance Interview on the 29th. I'm excited. That is going to be ONE VERY BUSY DAY! I have to wake up around 5:30 so I can get ready to leave at about 6:00. I have to be at the synod headquarters at 8:00, have my interview, probably wait for them to say yeah or nay, and then drive home, get ready for a wedding, go to the wedding for which I am the reader and one of the people who passes out bulletins, go to the reception, come home, practice my sermon, and then go to sleep because I'm leading the whole worship service on the 30th because Pastor is going away. So, I'm excited with all that is coming up.

So, I'm keeping busy, keeping my name out of the papers, and trying to enjoy my summer. :) I hope you all are keepin' cool and bein' happy. :) Later.

A little Cheer Up.

My sister-in-law just sent me some pictures of my dog! She says that Stormy is doing pretty well. She wants to play all the time with their other dog, but he won't most of the time. Sis-in-law also said that Stormy is stubborn and is still trying to figure things out. She's cute, but kinda dumb. That's a great part of her appeal. :)

Anyway, so, in other news... Church was especially interesting and good this past Sunday. When I got to the church, Pastor came up to me and said, "Here is fair warning, I'm talking about you and your application process in the sermon this morning!" I told him that I'd try not to turn too bright red, to which his reply was, "Too late." Haha. So, during the sermon, on the text of Mark 6:1-13, where authority is discussed, and how Jesus was thought of as only the son of Mary and the carpenter Joseph, Pastor said that God calls us in our baptisms to God's service. Pastor talked about how the people in Jesus' hometown were asking among themselves, "Who does he think he is?" And then Pastor talked about how we might remember when I was that shy little girl in high school and that might question us to ask, "who does she think she is?" But, God empowers all of us in when God calls us by name and claims us as a part of the family of faith. Pastor told them about how I am nearing the end of my application to candidacy and am ready to go forth into actual candidacy if they will have me. My appointment in Springfield is on the 29th of July. The whole sermon wasn't about my journey thus far, just a minute or two. That was fine with me. But the BEST part of worship (for me, anyway) was after the sermon when Pastor invited the baptismal party forward. So, Sister, BiL, Younger Sis, "Howard," and I went up there. Y.S. and I are "Howard's" sponsors. So, Pastor was in front of the font facing the congregation, Sister, BiL, and Howard were facing toward Y.S. and me. Y.S. was closer to Pastor and so she had to hand him some things, which made me kind of laugh because Y.S. was probably reminded of her acolyting days. Haha. I can sort of read lips and when Pastor would ask Y.S for something, she would kinda turn to me and give me the, "what did he say?" look... I would tell her what he asked for and she would do it. It was funny. Well, I was up there smiling this huge smile like a huge dork, because baptisms are just so remarkable. Pastor would look up and the parents, at Y.S., and at me, and he probably thought, "What is this psycho smiling at?" But, I couldn't help myself. I even got teary eyed when Pastor poured the water over his head. My little buddy has been adopted by God because God loves him! It's so fantastic. It reminds me of my own baptism. But anyway, that's probably enough gushing for now. I'll talk to you later.